I came from an extremely passive aggressive yet sensitive family. One disapproving look can change a whole world of behavior. My in laws need a lot more guidance. Given how I grew up I completely lack the ability to be more direct.
Since the baby came things have gotten uncomfortable. They showed up at the hospital uninvited after an extremely long and difficult labor and delivery and ultimate c section and stayed way too long. The next day they did it again and refused to leave when I said I needed to breastfeed. LO ended up screaming bloody murder and I ended up shuffling into the bathroom and sat in tears trying to breastfeed him until my husband was able to get them out. My husband asked his dad for help with yard work and the whole family showed up and sat and stared at me while I tried to care for the baby. Another day after my husband left our house his parents decided to just walk in our house to use the bathroom and walked in on me boobs out pumping in the living room and then proceeded to stay for another hour and a half staring at me some more. Now this morning I wake up to a call that they are all outside and want to come in. Apparently they had texted me while I was asleep to say they were on their way over and thought that was good enough. Arrg. They stayed for two hours. I appreciate that they want to see their grandchild but coming over uninvited and walking into our house without permission needs to stop. Immediately.
I have talked to my husband and he has tried a bit but is also very sensitive about his family and views their actions as "them just trying to be nice"
I am going insane. Please someone with less passive aggressive tendencies than me tell me how to kindly set limits with them!
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Does your DH support you in setting boundaries? Because its his family I would have him handle it, but if he refuses I think it would be fine to say something along the lines of, "I really appreciate all of your support and excitement for our family right now. However, it would really work best for us to have more of a schedule right now because it is so hectic with a newborn. How about we set up a weekly lunch/hangout on Saturdays from 1-3 so we can be better prepared."
That way they still get to see the baby but you know exactly when/where/how long they will be there.
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Yea, that's not ok. I really feel this needs to be your husband stepping up and explaining to them that they cannot come over uninvited. Time for him to put his big boy pants on and say you're happy to spend time with them, but they need to call first, and actually speak with someone before visiting.
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Ugh, this is why I am soooo glad we live far from inlaws. There was definitely a lot of staring while my boobs were hanging out when DS was born and they were only there a few days! I think you need to spell it out clearly to your husband that even if he thinks his family means well, you are not ok or comfortable with their unannounced surprise visits. If he can't or won't do it, you'll have to find a way to tell them that you need time to rest and have your private moments and that you would be ok with seeing them at planned times.
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Your husband needs to set the boundaries. As someone else who has issues with her in-laws, I know how awkward it is to ponder having that kind of conversation.
Perhaps your husband could say something like, "We're so happy that you guys want to spend time with LO. However, in the future, we would appreciate if you would ask before coming over. We're still adjusting to our new role as parents, and I want to make sure Tillma is getting her rest, and private time. "
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You need to lock the door during the day so that they can't walk right in.
Other than that, you or DH need to be direct. I had to get my DH to tell FIL just to call before coming over. He was in a habit of not doing that and wanting to come over during the day to see the dogs, and I would have to stop all my plans and listen to him talk. Once I had a migraine and told my FIL but it still took him forever to leave. Now, DH has told him to call and it's been much, much better.
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I agree with other advice: lock the door and call before making a social visit. I would definitely have DH talk to them about this. It's best if you agree on the boundaries and then have him present it to them. You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws." It can give you some insight on how to deal with tough inlaws. Boundaries are the only way to deal with my inlaws because they have no respect for our family and our home. We have to teach them to respect us.
When my inlaws visited in the early newborn days, there was a lot of staring and making me a guest in my own home. I had zero privacy for nursing my son. It was awful.
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Yes, this would not fly with me. And I agree that it should probably come from your husband, but if he's not going to say something, then you need to politely set your boundaries with them. They don't know what your schedule is like so it's not fair of them to just pop over unannounced. Maybe you can say something like, "I really appreciate your wanting to come by and help with the baby but it would really help me out if I had some advanced notice of at least a day so I can plan accordingly." Or something like that. Good luck!
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