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@babycanuck: (((hugs)))

Having a MIL live with you can def be a strain. I def understand where he is coming from bc that is very common with Chinese culture as well. It seems like she is back on her feet and since she came into some money why can't she move out now? Especially if she's dating now....mmm...awkward much?

OR if she doesn't want to move out can you guys move somewhere where there's an "IL suite" where she can come and go as she pleases. And you guys can do the same? She's still there but you & DH get your privacy?

Lastly, do you think she will be helpful when you're pregnant and LO arrives???

Sounds like you need some outside perspective, since he doesn't want to engage with you. Is he open to therapy? Can you insist that he partake in couple's therapy if he wants your relationship to work out?

@babycanuck: If he isn't willing to go I think it shows a lot of strength if you yourself are willing to go, even without him. You are able to illustrate that you are committed, wanting to work, and open to new ways to approach things. Believe me, good counselors can make a difference even when the SO isn't attending as well. And likely over time, he may get curious enough to go with you.

It sounds like he doesn't appreciate how big of a sacrifice you've been making to have his Mom live with you. And clearly his Mom has no intention to give you your own space on her own, she seems pretty comfortable mooching off her son and DIL.

Unless you want her to live there forever and always come 2nd to your DH, you need to stick up for yourself. A good way to do this is through counseling, especially in your situation when your DH has cut off communication with you. But if he won't do it, unfortunately I would consider moving out and moving on with my life if it's really that bad. Through his actions, he has clearly chosen his Mom to take #1 priority in his life, not you - his wife. If he isn't willing to switch that especially now that she's clearly back on her feet - at least I personally wouldn't want to live my entire life being #2 in my DH's eyes. He needs to choose if he's going to be married to you or his Mom so hopefully he chooses you.

If he isn't open to counseling, it might be a good idea for you alone. Can't hurt at least? The outside perspective will definitely help.

Can you talk to MIL directly if DH is unwilling to talk to you or get involved? Maybe "threaten" DH with that - if he doesn't discuss it with you then you'll go to her yourself?

@babycanuck: I'm really not sure that I have any advice since I really can't relate...though I can only IMAGINE how hard it would be to have my MIL living with me. All in all I love my MIL and she means well and loves us so much, but that doesn't mean I want to live with her!
You are SO NOT a bad person for being frustrated, sad, mad, annoyed and any other emotion you are feeling.
I know you said there are some other things going on (him being closed off) but is there a way to say "its not your MIL that I don't want to live with. I'd feel this way about anyone. Its about personal space and living our own life."
Not sure that's really advice, but just really making it clear to him that its nothing negative about HER (you love her, you want the best for her, etc).
Or saying to him "imagine living with MY mom/dad/parents/sibling/best friend, etc for 3 years. Imagine it wasn't your mom and someone you grew up with, but someone you've only known a few years."
OR "What about HER life and personal space? She might be comfortable here now and the thought of leaving could be scary, but she might feel liberated and really enjoy having her own place (very near by)".
I'm sure this doesn't cure everything, but hoping it makes you feel a tiny bit better!

I think part of the problem seems like cultural differences, almost. It sounds like your husband and MIL don't see a problem with the way that things are (her living with you). I do think that counseling might be helpful, because your just telling him that the living situation isn't working for you and is putting added strain on your relationship is something it sounds like he is having a hard time hearing. It might be that having a person on the outside help you to share your feelings about it with him might make a difference. It is a big difference of opinion, that's for sure.

I understand that he isn't interested in seeing anyone. Do you think he might change his mind depending on how you framed it to him? Could you say something like, "I am having a really hard time sharing the house with your mother. I understand that you feel that you should be supportive of her and help her when she needs it. I would really value being able to talk about this somewhere with a professional because I feel like we are both having a hard time seeing the other person's side. I don't want this to hurt our relationship, and that's why I'm asking if you will participate." Maybe if he feels like you are really trying to understand and respect his position he might feel more open? If not, I'd say that going by yourself is way better than nothing.

How did you feel about the relationship before MIL moved in?

Please seek out counseling. I seems to me that there are issues that MIL moving out wont be the cute for. Going by yourself is worth it, even if he won't join.

How is your relationship with your MIL? Can you talk to her woman to woman. Not in a mean confrontational way but in a rational way. Is she rational? I definitely also agree with therapy. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to walk away from 11 years but how many more years are you willing to live like this?

I can totally relate to living with th MIL. we lived with my inlaws for 9 months last year. They are lovely people but it definitely put a huge strain on our marriage for a few months, and I was definitely becoming depressed the last few months. You have less intimacy, privacy and you are always dealing with a 3rd wheel, so to speak. Prolonged living with your MIL, especially when it is not something you are doing willingly, is a huge obstacle to general well being. To me, that should be one of the priorities to work on...I know what you mean by not feeling married, and it's not healthy.

Also, something else you mentioned in a comment to another Bee, that he treats you like garbage sometimes. This worries me a lot. I've never been in any sort of violent relationship, but I have been in one where I was treated very badly, but didn't recognize it or want to admit it at the time. Couples have fights and can be mean to one another, but I don't think it is something that should happen to such a degree that you feel so bad.

Ask yourself what you really want, and if DH is able to provide it. I'm not suggesting anything rash, but you deserve to be treated well, live independently of MIL and start a familly with a respectful partner.

I definitely agree with the others that you should look into counseling, either alone or with DH. Grown-up style communication needs to be happening and it sounds like your husband is not participating.

Big hugs, and all the best to you.

I agree with others that talking to each other calmly, with or without a therapist is a good start. If you're really that miserable, he should be willing to at least hear your concerns.

If it turns out there's no getting around living with her, would you consider moving? Maybe a place with an in-law suite, or a 2-family home would be a good compromise?

@babycanuck: I'm glad you're open to seeing a counselor, even if your husband isn't. Do you have your own insurance? If you call them, they will give you a number to schedule an appointment with a therapist that is covered for free sessions. When I used my insurance for this I had an appointment that same week. Waiting for a dr appointment and then a referral could take a while.
I agree with some other posters. He is treating you very poorly and it's not just because his mother lives with you. Sucking it up shouldn't be the main plan, a fundamental shift needs to be in the future of your relationship.

I lived with MIL for a year, and while it helped us save money, it definitely puts a strain on the relationship when you lose that privacy.
I feel for ya!
Hugs!

"he treats me like garbage sometimes"

This made me really sad. Your partner, best friend, cheerleader, and lover should never do that. Yes, people fight, but treating you like garbage is unacceptable. Of course, I agree with everyone that counseling is the answer.

@babycanuck: big hugs, therapy might help you with some of the issues you reference but It won't fix him not talking to you for two weeks, that just doesn't sound right. It sounds like he really needs help with communicating properly.

@babycanuck: I personally would have a hard time with living with anyone else, especially for that long. I think some sort of timeline needs to be discussed and agreed upon. I would understand if she was sick and needed help, but it sounds like she's just staying because she can at this point.

Would you be willing to speak to a professional about your feelings? Maybe they would be able to give you ideas for how you could better approach the needed conversation with your husband?

@babycanuck: thinking of you, friend. This sounds a lot like some of the fighting I saw growing up, and it was really tough on all of us. I'm glad that you got some things out in the open, even if it was not under the most ideal circumstances. It is good that he is calmer now.

It is also really good that you are going to go see a therapist. I think it is really important that you remember to take care of yourself through all of this. You should not have to be belittled, or yelled at, or made to feel inferior in any way. You are not worthless. You are beautiful, and worthwhile, and you need to make sure that you take care of yourself. Hang in there, lady. Reach out whenever you need.