How did you come to a final decision? Who conceded and how did the other person make peace with that?
Just curious to hear other's stories. DH and I have 2 LO's plus my step-daughter. He would like to be done, I would like another, but we're holding on any permanent decisions until DD (3-1/2 mo) is closer to two. Right now I'm hoping w/i the next 2 years one of us will change our minds, and I'm working on being comfortable with the idea of being done.
nectarine / 2018 posts
We have one LO. I would like another, DH thinks he is done. We have completely flip flopped from where we were before DD was born. I thought he would be so happy to hear I wanted another but it was a really depressing conversation.
DH has mentioned a couple of times it's not that he only wants one but that he doesn't want another while we live away from family. And while he works the crazy hours he works. so we would have to figure that out but it was a little glimmer of hope for me.
We have mostly tabled the discussion until DD is 3, she's currently 2.5. I'm trying to come to terms with only having one but it makes me really sad. I'm not sure what will happen.
cantaloupe / 6086 posts
This was us. We started talking more seriously when #2 was 1.5. After 6 months of deadlock he decided to concede and try right after lo's 2nd bday somewhat grudgingly. I got pregnant and lost it at 11w so we had to start over on the conversation of trying but again he gave in. We'll see if it works this time.
Basically we knew there was no middle ground but he ended up doing it for me because it meant so much to me. I think also we figured once baby arrives you won't regret it, but you might regret not trying. We do have a limited time frame for trying though where with the first two I would have gone to any lengths.
persimmon / 1322 posts
We're in a very similar spot. I have an 11 year old step son, an almost 2 year old daughter, and I'm due in September with another daughter. My husband has always said that 3 kids total is his max. I've always said that I would like to have 3 together. We will most likely be done after this baby, for many reasons. I am trying very hard to be at peace with that.
persimmon / 1495 posts
There are a bunch of threads on this topic if you look in the family plans board. This has been such a difficult thing for my DH and I that we've been to counseling together, and now I'm going to therapy in my own.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@catgirl: Hopefully the discussion goes well in 6 months, at least it sounds like he isn't 100% closed off to the idea of another.
@bhbee: I 100% agree about the regret of not having another. Praying for a sticky baby for you! 
@LindsayLou: I've told DH before it's not fair because he has 1 more than me. He didn't even catch that he's ALWAYS going to have 1 more. 
DH does have good reasons for not wanting another, which is why I'm really trying to picture life with just my 2 so I can be at peace with it if it comes to that.
apricot / 461 posts
Ugh! This is us. I want another baby. Next week our boys are turning 4 and 1. I want another, but I also want to hurry up and be done with the baby stages of life. So, I want another NOW. Which I also think is crazy because having a 3 year old with a baby was SO easy. I think it would be insanity to have 2 under 2 (and a 4 year old). I watched my SIL struggle with a 22 month old and a baby. But here I am wanting that. I think I'm crazy.
My husband has only ever wanted two. I only ever wanted two until I had the second one. Right after I delivered him, I knew I wanted one more. I've been talking with my husband since February about it and he has finally decided we should try for one more. Now I'm the one who thinks we are both crazy.
My main point that I brought up is regret. I don't think that after having a kid and loving him that you could ever regret having him. But I could see myself living with regret about not having another baby if I didn't feel our family was complete. I think that is the fact that got to my husband. We did spend 4 moths discussing it too. So that helped.
persimmon / 1445 posts
I really really want another one (or two) and DH is absolutely done no matter what. I caved because he has many excellent reasons to stop at 2- financial, the fact that our kids will be all done with college the year we turn 50, and he feels like our family is full. I am a little sad but I do love our family dynamic right now so I am ok with it.
apricot / 275 posts
DH and I disagree about # of kids as well. I've always wanted 3, he always wanted 2. We have a 13 month old and I'm pregnant with #2 - they'll be 20 months apart. Sadly, for us I think it will come down to finances. If money wasn't a part of the picture, I think I would have no problem convincing him. But our budget will be tight with 2, so I'm starting to see the sad fact that we just might not be able to afford a third. It's really depressing to me that it will come to that. So I'm trying to come to terms with this being my last pregnancy and I'm trying to cherish every second of it. It's also a little in his favor that I'm having a tough first tri - I don't know if I could do this again with 2 toddlers! 
Who knows, maybe one/both of us will come across an awesome job opportunity that allows for enough money for a third. I'm holding out hope. Another (much smaller) part of the equation is that I'm already 32 and I have kind of put my own self-imposed expiration date on my fertility. I'd really like to be done by 35, so we don't have a ton of time to decide.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@kayla0416: Same here, a lot of my DH's reasoning is financial, we would have to wait until DS is in school b/c we can't afford 3 in daycare, which will be another 2-1/2 years. And by then I will be 35 so timeline is a factor as well, DH is terrified of something being wrong with the baby, and odds of that increase as my age increases, so...
If we won the lottery though... 
nectarine / 2987 posts
I spent a lot of time thinking about what our future life will look like with 2 instead of our original planned 4-6. It's a happy picture in my head now, but I just had to spend a lot of time thinking about the positives and the flexibility that having fewer children will allow us.
pear / 1728 posts
DH and I always said we wanted three children, but after having one DH only wants two (and honestly would be totally fine to stop at one). I've pretty much relented and we're 95% sure we'll only have one more. I would probably fight him harder on it if it wasn't for the financial aspect. I can't imagine paying for three in daycare!
That being said, we won't take any permanent measures until a future second child is around 2 years old just so we're 100% sure.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I'm pregnant with #3 and I think dh would go for a 4th but I just can't do this again. Physically right now I'm a mess! So he's ok with stopping. I think in any case we would probably go with the lesser amount. I could see it being more contentious if you were debating whether or not to have #2.
pomelo / 5093 posts
The whole issue of regret is tricky. We tried for a long time to have a second, and it just didn't happen, and honestly? I was happy with one. My husband, however, really wanted another. I didn't mind two kids, but I really didn't want to do the pregnancy and baby years ago. Surprise, I got pregnant, and we have two.
And I certainly do not regret my second daughter. I'm really glad I brought her into this world. But the stress and difficulty that I was imagining was much worse in reality, and it did enormous damage to my marriage. We're recovering, but it's been really hard. I carry a lot of resentment and anger about how much harder it was for me, when it was my husband who really wanted the second child.
I would honestly caution people about the 'you'll never regret the one you have'. That is true, I think, but that doesn't negate the enormous difficulty that child may bring.
nectarine / 2018 posts
@sarac: Thank you for your perspective on regret. I worry that in some ways I will regret it if we don't have a second but at the same time I worry of the regret I'd feel if I push DH to have another.
DH has said that he is fairly certain he wouldn't regret the actual child but he is worried he would resent me. And that sounds like an awful outcome.
So I don't know. Even though it's tabled for now I'm scared of pushing him but I also don't want to just automatically accept being done at one. All I know is it sucks to not be on the same page.
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