Hellobee Boards

Girl me me me! I'll totally commiserate over here. DH essentially works for himself so he goes fishing prob at least once a month (but he does goes months without going at all) BUT the point is he is able to take time to do stuff for himself, as needed. Where as I work full time, so I'd be dipping into my PTO if I took a day for myself, which I don't really b/c all my PTO is reserved for family and sick days for the girls.

I'm the only one that can put both girls to sleep at once b/c DD2 isn't fully weaned yet. I feel guilty doing something on the weekends since I already WOH FT, I treasure whatever time I can get with the girls. Plus, DH technically works on weekends so I'm not all that open.

I get really "mad" when he complains because I'm like really, REALLY?! The solution really is to put my foot down and ask for some me time too, but like you, I don't even know what to do with myself and in this season I feel too guilty! I am totally fine with DH getting a break and not me, AS LONG AS he doesn't complain. Once he complains, it's over, haha!

@CatchAFallingStar: not resentful, but I can see being a little disappointed that he doesn't make the same choices you do, sacrificing his "freedom" of his own accord. With all the things on our plates I feel like once a week is kind of a lot for every single week, but that's us!

I understand feeling resentful, but it’s also probably not fair. I get it though- when I still needed to be home to breastfeed at night (which between my two kids was almost 4 years total) it felt like I couldn’t make plans and go out or I’d be going out really late or having to rush home.

Once a week is kind of a lot. What if you traded off mondays- one week he does his thing, the next week yougo our with friends or go to Starbucks and just read, or do fun shopping (not groceries) or something? Then he would get some alone time with the kids too, and you could still get home for bedtime for the baby as needed.

I’ve definitely forced myself to get better about having me time. DH golfs and it’s his stress reliever and he’s also meeting more people in our area, which is good for him. But it takes a long time and it’s expensive. So while I encourage him to do it within reason, when he complains about something I get pissed. Like, looks, we are paying a lot for golf and you were gone all day and it’s fine, but don’t you dare come home and complain about having a bad round.

It honestly has gotten so much easier after my younger one weaned too. So that’s a little light at the end of the tunnel.

@kiddosc: This idea has been true for us also... that when we need time for things and speak up, we each are willing to figure it out! But smaller projects generally, not usually many hours per week, just because of some of the other things going on in life this past year.

I don’t think your kids will ever look back and say “gee, Dad was never there on Monday nights.” But I bet your husband gets a lot out of that time. I would try to find a specific activity you can take some time fo yourself for. Maybe getting a pedicure once a week, or a regular massage, or the gym. (This is advice I’m working on myself haha.) but you will feel great and I guarantee you when you get home from your own thing you will be so glad you did it!

@muffinsmuffins: This is spot on. And definitely describes myself...

@CatchAFallingStar: I think this is super normal. Can you try doing something small, like a relaxing bath after the kids are in bed?I find even tiny doses of me time help restore my sanity...

I also wanted to add that I think it’s super important for both partners to be alone/solo parent the kids semi-regularly. It builds confidence so it’s not a big deal to be able to leave bedtime, etc to either parent. You feel things are going to be handled, the kids know both parents equally share duties, and the partner knows they can do it. I know my one girlfriend always feels the kids are going to be demons when she’s out and feels guilty for staying and enjoying herself because her DH complains/guilts her for going.

I agree with others, I don't think it is fair to be resentful if you're making an intentional choice not to take time for yourself, but I also think you should push yourself to do it. Ironically, I have the opposite problem. I really value alone time, but I feel awfully guilty about it because my husband really doesn't do much for himself. It's mostly because he doesn't really know what he would do - he's not big on just alone time, like I am, but his circle of friends is mostly childless guys that are into drinking and partying and that's not his scene. He really encourages me to take more time for myself because he knows I love it, but I feel guilty because I feel like it's unequal since he doesn't get his own time the way I would. We just had a long conversation about this and I told him that I felt that way so he's thinking about what he might do for himself so that it's a little more balanced, but I also realized that I can't wait on him to decide and I need to work past my guilt about it and just do what works for me.

Definitely not fair to be resentful. Normal, maybe. Especially after a hard day. But if you didn’t tell him “hey today was really really hard and I need you here”, you can’t be mad. And if you said that to him and he said too bad, I’m going anyway, THEN you could be mad/resentful. Becuase if he goes every week and he can’t skip one week for you, that’s wrong.

Honestly, I’m all for both of us taking time for ourselves. If DH had a weekly standing thing I would be happy for him. Same for me. We don’t have standing things but we certainly both do things for ourselves several times a week. Sometimes DH says he’d like to watch a game at a bar. Sometimes I go get a mani/pedi or dinner with a friend.
We def both take at least 1 kid-free trip a year. Usually one together and we each do at least one with friends. Actually DH is going to Vegas later this month. I’m planning a girls spa weekend in December.
It’s not easy and sure, I feel some guilt. But I feel happier and refreshed and I’m a better wife and mom after those trips. It’s good to miss and be missed!

We have realized how important it is to take a break and recharge. I hate the expression, but it has proved true!

The thing that I struggle with is that my husband travels a lot and gets ample alone/fun time while he is traveling and meanwhile, I am home doing all the family labor. So I am just clear about what I do for myself when he's home.

@CatchAFallingStar: Totally understand how you feel and I only recently made strives towards taking "me" time and it is life changing. DH is an extrovert and really craves a lot of social time while I prefer to stay home in my jammies and watch trashy TV and drink wine after the kids go to bed. He has a standing social engagement once/week (has had it for years) and I always resented it but figured, well I don't need that so whatever, at least I get to be alone when he's out after I put the kids to bed. My solution is awesome though--on Saturday mornings I get a few hours to sleep in or do whatever I want pretty much until lunch time. That alone time is heaven for an introvert like me! Granted DD2 is not weaned so DH will change her, bring her to me to nurse then take both girls back upstairs and deal with breakfast and then get them out of the house while I'm blissfully alone. I also agree with @JennyPenny's suggestion about leaving some chores for DH to do when he gets home. That is another thing I started doing recently after going back to work. If he's out (like last night) I leave him dinner dishes and text him a note of other things that need to be done when he gets home so I can go to bed and not worry that I'll wake up to a dirty kitchen/chores not done. I hate that I have to make him a list but not having to do it myself is waaay better and worth it. Good luck!

@CatchAFallingStar: Yeah, you need to get a night for you... I think if there was a trade off you wouldn’t feel the resentment. I often am the one that WANTS to be home, like you, but I make sure I get out.... usually to workout which I just ramped up doing about a year ago. Once a week (if we can, doesn’t always work) a few mom friends and I do a local $8 Barre class. Then we often go to the bar after.

We both WOH, and I do morning routine and get in a little later. DH gets home earlier... one day a week we trade so he does morning routine and gets in late, but I get in early and get home to get kids... I love having one day off from the crazy morning hustle, even though sometimes I stick around the whole morning because I like to hang with the kids, he does the dressing, breakfast and lunch packing.

Definitely carve some time out for yourself to do anything!

@Becky: I'm sorry if this sounds critical, but it sounds to me like there's a judgement there about your husband's priorities (unless he has explicitly said he just doesn't feel the need to spend as much time with the kids). And if that's the case, I do hear your concerns, but if you're making an assumption that for him, taking time for himself means he doesn't prioritize the kids as much, I think it's an unfair one and can lead down murky paths for you guys. I have a hard time taking time for myself because I worry that I'm not spending enough time with my kid after working 40 hours a week, but I am a better parent if I do take time for myself. I would hope that my husband, who has a similar schedule to mine, doesn't sit there and think that my daughter isn't important to me and that time for us as a family isn't important to me because I choose to do something for myself periodically. I find that I am much more depleted, crankier, grumpier, shorter, and disengaged if I don't take some time to be in my own element occasionally, and that's not a good thing for anyone.

@Becky: Absolutely agree with you there. If things are feeling imbalanced to you, then yes, it's unfair and should be addressed. Personal time can't come at the expense of the family and yes, there should be a limit everyone is comfortable with, and if you're not, then I totally see the disappointment. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!