..... I hate you!
Would you be mad? Would you put him in time out? Would you not care?
DS has told me this a handful of times when he gets angry and I usually just say "Well I love you" and drop it.
Last night he said it in front of DH and he flipped out and sent DS to his room.
DS replied that "well mommy doesn't care if I say it"
DH told him it was disrespectful.
Maybe I should care when he says it????
thoughts?
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
I told my mom I hated her when I was growing up.
In return she would say, "GOOD. It means I'm doing my job!"
I think I hated her response more than she hated me telling her I hated her!
squash / 13208 posts
@Mrs. Jump Rope: DS also likes to tell me "You're not my friend"
I say "you're right, I'm not your friend - I'm your mother!" and that makes him madder!
clementine / 896 posts
My 4.5 year old has never told me he hates me, but he has told me "I don't love you anymore!" when mad at me. I told him something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. It makes me very sad. But ....whatever he's mad about is final...."
I don't get mad about it. It really does make me sad!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I guess it depends on the circumstance....is he saying it because he's not getting something?
eggplant / 11716 posts
I think it's a good idea that kdis learn that saying "I hate you" to an adult isn't appropriate.
If he's saying it at home to mom, he probably also thinks it's okay to say to Teacher at school when he's mad about something (and there would be consequences at school for that--a frowny face for the day or whatever they do in K).
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
In that case, I would put him in time out, explaining that he needs to calm down and then we'll talk about alternatives.
Works for my three year old, not sure about age 5, in all honesty.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Anagram: my son is actually more respectful of his teachers than he is of his parents! He saves his bad behaviour for his dad and I, especially if we're together, lol.
apricot / 347 posts
My mom used to say what you say - well, I love you. I think that's a nice way to manage it - I think it's tricky to punish b/c then it seems like he is being punished for his feelings. Being disciplined for actions - like kicking or something b/c he 'hates' you, sure. But feelings and saying them? not for me.
apricot / 444 posts
@Anagram: I doubt he'd say it to a teacher, just because he's saying it to a parent. The parent/child relationship is a lot more emotionally involved/intense/fraught.
I'm of the school of thought that you should just say "wow, you must be/you sound like you are really, really mad at me because I won't let you x" and move on. I think it can be scary for kids if they see that those words have a lot of power and they are bad for feeling that way--he does kind of hate you, in the moment, and he isn't sophisticated enough to understand that that's not real "hate." My answer might be different if it were happening constantly... depends!
GOLD / watermelon / 14076 posts
If it were my LO my response would be, "I'm sorry to hear that; I love you very much." I would not put my LO in time out because I wouldn't want her to feel like she can't express her feelings without getting in trouble.
honeydew / 7488 posts
My 5 yr old has never said I hate you but she has said other stuff when she's mad... We definitely correct her for being disrespectful but also I say something like I'm sorry you feel that way. I honestly am at a loss for how to respond to her sometimes, so I feel you.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@looch: @mjane: haha...I'm a teacher, so I guess my experiences are influenced by my job. But so often, when I have to call a parent or have a parent conference because of negative behaviors in class, I get the "Well, he does that to me at home, too."
Glad your LOs aren't like that!
In general on this topic, I don't subscribe to the "If you feel it, you should say it out loud" school of thought for humans, though. I'm more in the "learn to say what is appropriate, when, and to whom" camp...which is something I talk about daily with my students.
I've worked with 5 year olds before. They aren't too young to understand hurting other's feelings and not saying words like "hate". I wouldn't allow a student to say it to another student, or myself... (without consequence, I mean--like a serious talk, a frowny face, a time out, taking away a privalege) and I wouldn't allow my LO to say it without consquence, either.
I work with older students now, but this is still something I have to enforce daily. Your parents don't care if you curse at home? Cool. But here at school, we have rules--I don't curse, our principal doesn't curse, you don't curse. This is not the appropriate place for that kind of talk.
pomegranate / 3791 posts
At age 5 I think I'm with your DH that it's not respectful and he needs to learn that - particularly based on your son's response about you not caring if he says it. I don't know about flipping out, but a talk about how words can hurt people seems appropriate.
eggplant / 11716 posts
Also...And this is not directed to the OP at all! I know a 5 year old is a different story. But I do feel allowing children to use this type of language sets a precedent. Saying "I hate you" to either of my parents would have had major consequences for me growing up, so I never would have said it.
But I will never forget being 13 and spending the night with a friend who kind of ran roughshod over her single mom, and one night her mom wouldn't order us pizza and my friend screamed, "I hate you!" and slammed her bedroom door in her mom's face. And NOTHING happened. My door would have been taken off for a week. I would have had to do every chore in the house for a month! But she got...nothing. Her behavior was normal.
I think it starts young and can turn into...that. Was she expressing her feelings? I guess. Do I want my daughter to act like that? no.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Anagram: I can certainly appreciate that. I have no idea where my son will land, in all honesty (he's 3). Right now, though, he is all about doing what his teachers ask and testing the boundaries at home!
squash / 13208 posts
Thanks everyone.
As much as it doesn't bother me now I do agree that I don't want to set up an attitude that he can say whatever he wants for the rest of his life.
For those that don't like the "I hate you" what if I taught him he can say "I don't like you" but saying "Hate" isn't a very nice thing to say.
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
@Mamaof2: My mom did the same thing to us, we NEVER said "hate' in our house. My mom taught us taht hate was a bad word, and we never use it, I very rarely use it now. She said we can dislike her but we do not hate anyone.
apricot / 444 posts
@Anagram: I understand you! I wouldn't allow it in school either, when I taught. I guess I just think it's a little different at home, but I also think different situations/kids would merit different responses.
For me, I wouldn't want to punish them at that time because I think the lesson would be lost--he's already furious, and punishment will just make him angrier, give him more fuel for the "hate." I totally get not tolerating it and setting boundaries around it in your home, but I still think it's important to help him understand where that feeling of hate comes from--from anger, which comes from being hurt/disappointed/whatever.
@Mamaof2: you could also try teaching him to say "I'm so angry at you" or "I'm furious at you" or something that gets him to describe his feelings and has oomph but isn't... cruel-sounding. You know?
coconut / 8475 posts
It is rude and disrespectful. It is not a matter of "expressing feelings." It is, but then again so is "I think this is stupid" and "you're fat." I mean, I just really don't think 5 year olds should be allowed to say anything and everything just because they're irritated with the fact that they have to put their shoes on, or toys away. It is not OK with the real world and it is not OK in my house, especially when it is to me.
That being said, I think this is one of those things that if you give too much attention for, it might get worse? I would just say, "that is not nice and I better not hear you say it again, OK? Because I love you and am trying to do what is best for you." If she said it after that, yep, i'd send her to time out for sure.
apricot / 444 posts
@bunnymommy: yeah I agree. to me "I hate you" is a feeling. It's not name-calling, which I wouldn't allow, i.e. "You are stupid/mean/etc." But I might just be a wishy-washy feelings person who raises dreadful sociopaths--totally possible & we'll see! 
honeydew / 7091 posts
@Mamaof2: I'm still a couple years away from having to deal with this, but I think I will try to help my kids understand the appropriate way to get their point across. Telling me that you hate me does nothing but show complete disrespect. However, telling me that you're upset you're not getting your way, or you're mad at me and don't want to talk to me at the moment - those are great ways of expressing your feelings without being rude to someone.
So, I think it's important to express your feelings, but not at the expense of anyone else. That's what I'll strive to teach my children (I'm sure it will be a long battle though! I doubt a 2/3 year old will quite grasp the subtle differences)
grapefruit / 4120 posts
I know this is about a way older kid, but your post made me think of this:
http://www.xojane.com/family/first-time-daughter-i-hate-you
At a young age, I would probably say something like, "I know this is really frustrating (whatever is happening) and it makes you SO MAD! And that is normal! But it's not OK to say "I hate you" to mommy.
I don't think I'd punish him, unless he continued to be defiant, but if my husband was around and punished him, that would be OK too.
Right now I just get "I'm not inviting you to my house" (um, it's MY house, dude.) but I am sure it will someday escalate.
squash / 13208 posts
@mjane: Interestingly enough I do not allow him to use the word "stupid" - I cannot stand that word!!!
@mamimami: are you saying I should buy him a cake? 
pomegranate / 3791 posts
@mamimami: Umm am I the only one who finds that article to be really weird? I mean, really? Your daughter said she hated you, called you a fucking bitch (over a fight about her boyfriend! At the age of 15!), and ran out of the house...and you bought her a cake to break the tension and just let things go back to normal?? I just...what???
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
@mjane: I do agree that punishing in anger (on either side) is a slippery slope. Children at 2-5 and even older don't have the mental capacity to reason when they are having meltdowns - I have tried and it's not possible.
Would it then be appropriate, as I've done this with kids I've nannied - to tell them they need to take time in their room or wherever to calm down and we'll talk when they feel better.
Personally I have found that the most effective, but my child isn't old enough for me to try it with him. But I am also in the camp that saying I hate you is never ok. It was never allowed in my house growing up and even though I may have thought it or muttered it, I would never have said it to my parents face.
I think what I would do is wait until the emotions have simmered down, and then discuss it very simply, "why did you say that? Why did you feel that way?" and then set the expectations that those things are not appropriate to say, no matter how angry you are.
pear / 1861 posts
I agree with your DH that it's disrespectful. Does he say it to your DH? What does your DH say when he does this?
watermelon / 14206 posts
That phrase was never allowed in our house growing up. Hate is a strong word that people throw around too much. It's negative, and with adults, hate leads to violence and other awful things. We were not allowed to hate anyone, ever.
DS has never said that to me, but if he did, I would definitely stop it in its tracks and explain how strong of a word that is. Growing up, we were instructed to say, "I don't like what you're doing" or something similar.
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