Mrs. Tiger's recent post (http://www.hellobee.com/2015/02/19/parental-preference-bollywood-style/) got me thinking about how my LO is half-Korean, half-Jewish and doesn't look very much like my husband at all. The only thing he got from DH is maybe a little hair volume and his eye color but somehow that doesn't make them look related. Sometimes I'm glad we've had genetic testing (for health reasons) done that happens to prove we're both his parents because I get the feeling my ILs can't accept this Asian-looking baby as their grandchild. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
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DS definitely looks like a Korean baby. But ILs, both MIL/FIL and extended family have been OTT with their affection and love towards him. I get the human instinct to be more easily attached to a grandchild who resembles them, but it makes me really sad for J! I hope your ILs come around!
Neither DH nor ILs have ever made me or DS feel like he's more "mine" because he looks aesthetically more Korean than Polish/German. If anything they see DH's qualities in him moreso than I do! And I think it's super endearing that they see the resemblances that aren't so easy to catch by any means.
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i'm a mixed race myself but look much more like my dad who is Egyptian, than my Caucasian mother. DH is also Caucasian, but LO looks more like me and everyone tells us. He has the dark eyes and curly hair like me and barely looks like DH! Although, it's not like he significantly looks like a race that DH is not, so no one really thinks or says anything about it other than the occasional joke.
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I'm mixed race and don't look much like my blonde haired blue eyed mom at all. I have no idea if she ever got comments, but I don't think so or I'm sure it would have come up at some point.
My 1/4 Asian DD really looks nothing like me and is a mini DH. I've been asked if I'm the nanny! We've never had any issues with grandparents or other relatives with regard to our LOs looks, other than pure adoration.
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@lamariniere: My cousin used to tell me that people would ask her that when she was out with her kids! If she was the nanny or if they were adopted. I'm afraid someone is going to make the wrong assumption about DH if they see LOs picture on his desk or if they're out together without me. Not that it's wrong to have adopted, but one of our issues with IF was male infertility so it would sting for him to hear.
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DH is Indonesian and I'm a pale redhead. DS has DH's coloring but looks like me.
@mrsjyw: MIL is definitely disappointed that J looks more like me.My family, mom dad brother, all have darker complexions and dark hair/eyes. I was always the odd one out. I would tell people they weren't my real family.
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@spaniellove: I'm half Japanese and free looking super Asian as a kid, have looked less Asian as the years have gone by! I think that's pretty common!!
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@spaniellove: I think for most of my nieces and nephews who are multi-racial, they all looks really asian in their early years but definitely as they got older, you could tell they were half and half.
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@spaniellove:
Your ILS have so much issues! Hopefully when he's older they'll be able to accept him more.Both my girls look more Caucasian than Chinese. My family say they don't look mixed at all. But I think they do! Who cares.
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People think M is mine, though she clearly is multiracial. I think it helps that I have dark hair, eyes and olive skin.
This little will look a lot like both of us.
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It's complicated for us since in Mr T's family, lighter skin is "better" so they are thrilled with K looking white. I'm sorry your ILs feel that way, sad that they needed the genetic proof!
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My LO looks a lot like me (Asian) but with DH's complexion and eyes.
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@Mrs. Tiger: It can be so weird the way appearances are valued in different cultures. I think my family likes that J looks like a slightly "whiter" version of me as a baby and thus prettier, but not white enough to look foreign to them. Whereas my ILs see Koreans as...the people who run their neighborhood nail salon (as my MIL reminds me so often) so it's not a joy to now be related to one.
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@spaniellove:
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I'm so sorry your inlaws make you feel this way
My DH is Indian & Caucasian, and I'm fully Caucasian, with light hair, skin, and eyes. I expected our kids not to look very much like me in terms of hair/eye/skin color, but my 2.5 year old looks like me with a fantastic sun tan and darker eyes - even her hair is light. The baby resembles her father, but with 100% my coloring. Everyone in both families is pretty surprised - this not how biology class led us to believe dominant genes would work! No one gives us a hard time, other moms who don't know DH always ask if we've been on holiday because of the girls' skin tone though!
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@spaniellove: WTF?!
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@Mrs. Tiger: you have a gora and a kala, although if he speaks Tamil and not Hindi/Urdu, I don't know the exact term. I just know that in the town I grew up in, being a gori girl was a big deal.
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@spaniellove:
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@spaniellove: yiiiiiikes!
@Mrs. Jacks: no clue what those words mean! Does that mean light and dark?
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@regberadaisy: @mrsjyw: @sunny: @Mrs. Tiger: Yeah. (And I'm so so so sorry to anyone I've offended. It's a pretty offensive thing to say.)
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@spaniellove:
I'm so sorry they feel this way. Hugs!!
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@spaniellove: Your inlaws say the most horrible things at times!!
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@spaniellove: I'm so sorry you have to deal with that! And J too!
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Ugh, that's sad.
My Caucasian parents don't care either way, though they always say how beautiful their granddaughters are. I'm pretty sure they'd think they were beautiful even if they had three eyes lol. My Asian MIL picks them apart, pointing out "how white her granddaughters look" and xyz body part "is so white". She comes across as being disappointed but DH and I just ignore her. Not sure how we will prevent DDs from noticing her apparent disappointment but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I suppose.
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@spaniellove: Wow. I can't even. Just wow. I'm sorry your IL's are like that.
I am biracial, and my sister and I look much more white than black. She has my mom's hair texture with my dad's light skin and I have more of an olive skin tone and my dad's hair texture. Both of us have curly hair. H looks exactly like my husband but she's got my skin tone and curly/wavy hair.
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My cousin is German, Irish, Italian, and her husband is Cambodian and German. Their oldest looked/s very Cambodian and the youngest looks very German/Irish, but as the oldest gets older, I find she's still got Cambodian coloring, but her features look a little more like our side.
The director of my dance studio has red hair and is very pale, but her kids both look more Japanese. People always ask if they're hers!
@spaniellove: I am so sorry your inlaws are like that!
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My ILs used to call my son the Thai word for foreigner. DROVE ME INSANE, no matter how they intended it. DS2 looks even whiter than DS1, who is a pretty even mix, so who knows what they think.
My parents OTOH couldn't care less and have never made a single comment.
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@spaniellove: what a retched thing to say to a person
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@Mrs. Tiger: yup. Gori is light (feminine) and Kali is dark.
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@spaniellove: I hate that being a small business owner thus a job creator is turned into an insult. Your ILs sound like real peaches, the ones plucked off the tree too soon and taste bitter.
@avivoca: olive skin is like Kathy Najimy, right? Who's a light skin black celeb with same color as your dad? Just curious because my bro and I are both considered light, but he's clearly darker than me.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yes, my skin color is close to hers but my hair is finer and not as coarse as my sisters. My sister is much lighter than I am but has coarse hair like my mom.
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@Mrs. Yoyo: My grandmother used to affectionately call me something that basically means "non-jew".
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LO looks like me (Chinese) but my Caucasian in-laws love her to bits and pieces and have never said anything about how she looks other than, "she's sooooooo cute!"
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I'm Korean and DH is Irish and my family loooooves my son. But he basically looks like my husband (including a distinctive chin, DH's dimples, body shape, even hair growth pattern!). He has slightly almond shaped eyes and my Asian coloring (golden skin, black hair, brown eyes) but that's about it. My family thinks DS is gorgeous because he has huge eyes and long lashes from his father (beauty traits Koreans really value). My in-laws adore DS too, but they weren't under any illusions about our kid looking Asian. Besides, he looks/acts so much like his father, there's no mistaking he's DH's son.
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When LO was born, she didn't look mixed at all.... She was very brown and had jet black hair and totally black eyes. I'm super pale, with dark blonde hair and blue/ green eyes.
Now her coloring is a little more "mixed"--her skin is basically halfway between me and DH and her eyes are still black/brown but her hair has lightened to a very dark brown.
DHs family think she looks "so white" and a lot like me; my family think she looks like DHs family--- but they all agree she is super cute! They've never made negative comments at all.
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LO is very, very, light and at times doesn't look like she would even have a Black mother. Part of me feels like my ILs are secretly more comfortable that she came out looking more like them. That's only my internal talk and not based on anything that they have said. I often wonder if she had darker skin and a coarser hair texture, if they would treat her the same way. Who knows?
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@spaniellove: As others have mentioned, your LO's looks may change over time. I'm half-Chinese and looked 100% Asian at birth, but over time I grew to look more and more like my Caucasian mother. Now most people have no idea that I'm Asian. Hopefully your ILs will change how they feel too. My grandparents practically disowned by mom for marrying a Chinese man and when I was first born, they were very weird about my race, but things got better pretty quickly.
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@spaniellove: My DD isn't biracial but I just wanted to say that your baby is so so so cute! How could anyone not adore him? Looking Asian is not inferior, that's so racist to insinuate. Your in-laws sound rotten and so unpleasant to be around with their rude comments. I guess you and DH just have to provide that extra TLC so that he'll never have to feel inferior. (Which is so much better than being around unkind relatives!) Pretty and cute babies come in all sizes, looks, and color. Also, being a nail salon owner is an honest living and some of these owners are very wealthy in terms of having huge cash flow, assets, and zero debt. Just ignore their rude ass comments!
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@Kimberlybee: I know that logically her comments are nothing but wrong and racist, yet they manage to eat at me. It's probably tied together with what she said as soon as LO was diagnosed deaf - she pulled me aside and told me it had to have come from me and my family because they don't have any bad genes like that in their family. Just because my dad has Meniere's (caused by a virus and confirmed by everyone we work with to have no genetic link) but really because she thinks we are so dirty and inferior. Although I know that it's not true at all, when things are tough with LOs needs I feel like I'm being forced to serve some punishment for giving them this grandchild they hate so much.
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@spaniellove: my heart breaks thinking a grandparent could hate their grandchild.
Almost everyone in my family has hearing loss and no one ever blamed me for LO having hearing loss. Even if the genes came from me or you, it's not our fault! It's not like you can control your genes!
Sending so many hugs your way. You are the most incredible mom to your LO and he is perfect--don't let anyone try to make you think otherwise.
Your ILS have so much issues! Hopefully when he's older they'll be able to accept him more.
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