Do you ever feel like a single parent? These last few weeks have been a bit rough for me. DH had extra night shifts and back to back shifts and only had one day off in the fortnight. E is only 8 weeks old. I am so sad, it just feels like he's missing out on so much. I feel like we don't get to be a family. When he's home he's either sleeping or too tired to hang out with E. 
he's working Christmas. I'm just sad. I had a huge cry tonight, first time really since before E was born. He's such an amazing baby & I'm so lucky to be able to be a SAHM... Just sometimes being married to a cop sucks!!!! I don't really know where I'm going with this post... I can't change his roster. We did talk and he said he's going to try to interact more with E when he is home so hopefully that will help. Anyone commiserate? To those ladies who have deployed husbands I don't know how you do it... You are amazing!!!!
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my husband is in residency, so he often works long shifts, and over night shifts. Its tough. Our daughter is 7 months old. He is often able to get home right before she goes to bed, so we made the last part of her nighttime routine daddy walking around with her and saying goodnight to things in our room.
When he works a night shift he tries to get up by about 3 in the afternoon (for a 6:00 pm shift) so he can spend a little time with us. When he does get a day off, we try hard to balance alone time for him, a break for me, and family time.
Honestly, my husband does well on remarkably little sleep, so I think that works in our favor. But I know its tough on him when he gets home after she goes to bed, or when he only gets to see her for a few minutes a day. I try to take a video and a photo every day to send to him, which he appreciates. And make the most of the time you do have.Its tough! As for your own self care- when he works through the weekend I often get out of town and go stay with my parents or visit friends. There aren't as many playgroups on the weekends because most people are doing family stuff, so the days get really long. I find that if I go stay with my parents I get extra help, and I have someone to talk to!
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my husband works 12 hour night shifts and i have to say the first few months after lo was born was HARD!! i had many a meltdown! but, it does get so much better once lo is on a consistent schedule and sttn (for the most part.)
i used to say all the time, "it's basically like i'm a single parent because he sleeps most of the day and then goes to work..." but then i gave myself a reality check and realized that if i were a true single parent i would more than likely not be able to sah so i stopped saying that.
honestly, i think your dh needs to accept that he has to run on less sleep/suck it up. (i'm sorry if that sounds harsh!) before lo was born dh slept from 7 am to 3 pm. now he sleeps 9 am to 2:30 just so he can see lo in the mornings and before he goes to work.
like @Silva: said, the weekends are the worst! so i try to make plans to do something. in fact, almost everyday we try to get out of the house, even if its just to run errands. it does so much for my sanity and time passes quicker.
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I'm at WOHM but my husband works at night W-Sun. I act as a single parent then. I'm not quite sure what being a SAHM has to do with this. I hardly see my husband too.
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@swedishfish: I guess it doesn't. I wasn't trying to say that a SAHM sees their husband less than anyone else, I was just trying to reach out to others in similar situations... I was upset and should have worded it differently. I'm sorry if I offended you.
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My husband works 12hr shifts and we have gone through periods of not much time together at all and he missed lo's first Xmas. It's WHY I SAH...when I went back to work we had no days off together. I would be really bummed if I didn't see him after giving up a second income and more of a life of my own in order for things to run smoother at home while dd is little.
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@Mrs squirreld: sorry, I wasn't upset. Just a hard day at work
I wish I could stay home part time.
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@swedishfish: I am so grateful to be able to stay home. Life just gets hard sometimes no matter our circumstance.
DH just somehow managed to swap shifts around and get four days off in a row next week. I am so so so grateful.
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My DH works shift work and it's in another town, like three hours away, so he stays there when he is working. He wasn't home for this past week. Right now I'm on maternity leave, but it's hard. I have no idea what it's going to be like when I go back to work.
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My husband also does shift work and I SAH. I do feel like a single parent A LOT. Especially this past month, DH worked 12-15 hours a day for 20 days straight. He does get a lot of vacation time later in the year so I look forward to that.
When the kids were younger it was much harder
hugs! it does get better when you get in a routine.
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@googly-eyes: good point. That really makes sense. Thanks
I am so happy to be able to spend so much time with our little one. I guess it just breaks my heart that DH misses out on so much.
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My husband is a cop as of this year. I was thinking the shift work will really help when we have kids. He did a stretch of night shifts and, oh Lord, it was horrible. He literally slept the whole time he was home. Two days recovering. Two days preparing. I would only see him for an hour in the morning when he got home as I was preparing to leave for work - he'd have a cocktail and I'd have orange juice. Some guys aren't cut out for nights. So basically he was able to switch to days. The older (aka salty) guys work days, but my guy doesn't care. So he works 6am-6pm, which is really 5am - 7pm. Can your hubs switch to days? I actually really really like his shift work.
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@MrsMcD: you get used to the nights thing!!
Plus you can't count on them staying on one watch forever in most depts!@Mrs squirreld: yeah it's hard with the holidays and new babies I think.
(my LO is a sept baby.) but I know there are lots of people in our situations and I figure we will get through it and get better at dealing with it... It has gotten easier for me as LO has gotten older too! Glad your dh got consecutive days off, that's sort of what we count on with the 12 hr shifts! -
@Mrs squirreld: I could have written this post. 11 month in and I still cry sometimes. My husband usually works 6 days a week, midnight to 9/10/11 am. Some days I count the minutes until he's home because I'm so stressed out. I love, love, love being a SAHM but it doesn't make it any easier.
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I'm on maternity leave for a year, and likely not going back to work full time. My husband is a cop as well, so I'm familiar with the crazy shifts. He works a 12 hour afternoon shift every other block, which I hate. We're a 45 minute commute to work, so he's literally home for 9 hours between shifts IF he actually gets out on time and doesn't go to the gym. Enough time to feed himself go to sleep and get up and get ready for work again. LO is only 3.5 months old and doesn't sleep through the night, so I feel like I work a 96 hour straight shift.
I sometimes feel like he should "suck it up" and sleep less, or skip the gym, but with his job I feel really conflicted about whether it's safe for him to be over tired or compromise being in good physical shape, so I'm usually the one that sucks it up.
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@Sapphiresun: this is exactly why I let him sleep... It's way too dangerous for him to be tired at work.
@MrsMcD: I wish he could just work days! He's on a rotating roster... So it changes between nights and afternoons and day shifts. I think that's why he's so tired all the time... He just gets used to one pattern and then it changes.
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@jmarionsmith: I think unless you regularly work night shifts, saying someone who does needs to "accept that he has to run on less sleep/suck it up" is an ignorant thing to say (sorry if that is blunt). Spend some time researching the effects of night shift on a person (especially the long term effects), then ask yourself if you want those effects amplified in your spouse.
I have worked shift work for years, and it is much harder on everyone now that we have a little one. I know that my husband has to pick up the slack big time when I am working nights, but that is the nature of the beast. A little understanding goes a long way.
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@MsMini: i'm sorry if what i said offended you or @Mrs squirreld: but i do think sacrifices need to be made by everyone. i stand by that.
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@MsMini: I know it is hard on him. He hates being tired all the time and hates missing out on things... So much so we have talked about a career change or Atleast specializing so he can have better hours.... Unfortunately that means putting in more hours for training etc so it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.
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@jmarionsmith: The fatigue from working shift work increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, ulcers, cancer and obesity, if you are cool with increasing those risks for your spouse, I am sad for him.
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@jmarionsmith: you didn't offend me... But at the end of the day I need him to be rested to be safe at work
and that is the most important thing. -
@MsMini: i think you are making a lot of unfair assumptions. like i said, i am truly sorry if i offended you.
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@Mrs squirreld: i totally agree with you. your husband's job is infinitely more dangerous than my dh, and i really didn't take that into account when i originally posted. (that might have been helpful
) but just know, i truly understand how rough it is on everyone and i'm so sorry you're struggling. like i said earlier, it will get better and everyone will adjust! thinking of you!
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Well hello, all my fellow cop wives
I'm a part time WOHM married to a night shift cop. To be honest? It sucks. I feel like a single parent a LOT of the time. He has to miss Thanksgiving, he has to miss Christmas, he missed Halloween. I do the entire after work/bedtime routine alone, I do nighttime alone (and my LO gets up all night every night.)
One of my biggest issues is when people have expectations of us (like attending church every Sunday morning with his parents, or attending all social engagements we're invited to) that aren't feasible when we're fighting for every little scrap of time together we can get. Most people who aren't in our shoes don't understand!
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@grizz: that drives me nuts. Our families always expect us to be at their get togethers but when the LO's haven't seen their dad day after day, I have no desire for them to spend time with anyone else!
I wish I could stay home part time.
Plus you can't count on them staying on one watch forever in most depts!
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