I am having a really tough time I am one week out from needing to return to work and I don't want to go. This coming from the girl who didn't want to quit work before she gave birth. I never thought I would say this but I love, love, love being a mom and so desperately want to do it full time. I love my job but something strange has happened to me and now I can't imagine doing anything but taking care of my baby. I have not had an ounce of postpartum depression but am starting to get scared that this might be the thing to bring it on. I have cried several times over it in the last week and know that the fact that this is my last week will only make it worse. To make matters worse I just got an email today announcing that my coworker who was pregnant at the same time as me has decided to quit to become a SAHM. It just rubs salt into open wounds.

I'm sure by now you are wondering why I don't just stay home. Financially impossible. DH and I make nearly the same amount. His salary would cover the mortgage and the monthly bills but that is it. Without my income there is no food or discretionary income for crazy things like gas and car repairs. I have been over the bills and there are a few things we could cut but they are REALLY minor and wouldn't even come close to touching my income.

Now the real kicker: we can't afford child care either. We live in an area of the country with some if the highest child care rates in the nation. Childcare would be more than our mortgage which clearly we can't afford. So my MIL and FIL are taking care of LO. While I am extremely grateful for the help I am scared to death to leave LO with them. MIL has zero common sense and doesn't listen to direction very well. You can't just correct her once either she requires multiple conversations to set it right. She asked me when LO was a few weeks old if I had fed him solids yet, when I said no she said she fed DH cereal in his formula at one week old because "he was hungry all of the time" We asked her to put diaper ointment on LO EVERYTIME because the poor little guy breaks out in raging diaper rash immediately if you don't. she forgot and when we asked her again she instead tracked down powder in our house and put that on him instead. Last time we left him with her she ran out of fresh milk so instead of going to the freezer to grab some out of my stash she had the brilliant idea to give our newborn water instead (which could have been genuinely dangerous if she had given him enough) thank God we came home before she did it.

I could go on and on. She means well but just doesn't get it and because if that I have the added anxiety of her being our only option at this point.

I don't know what my purpose is in writing all of this I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and hopefully get some advice and kindness. I am at a loss right now and am feeling sad about going back to work and don't really know how to handle all of this