Hellobee Boards

I was just thinking about this the other day. I feel like after my mid 20s I stopped being totally honest with my friends and vice versa. For example my best friend lives across the country, and I heard she visited an hour away from me and didn't tell me.. did I say anything? No, because she's an adult, we're pretty solid and she had her reasons. (She called me a few days after but we're playing phone tag). Or like if a friend hadn't reached out in a while I would never say anything. Everyone is busy and has their own issues. Another friend pulled her almost 4 year old from preschool bc she cried a few times and I didn't say anything bc it's sort of none of my business. I don't have catty, drama friends so that probably helps. I know they love me even though we don't agree on everything.

Definitely. At least, in my three closest friendships.

Depends. In my small circle of REALLY good friends, yes. I think the issue is that I don't WANT to confront, but I do have friendships where I CAN and I SHOULD. My BFF is my BFF because we've actually fought and got super mad at each other haha!

@Ajsmommy: I will say that most of my inner circle, we also share the same faith so I think there is a faith element to understanding what it means to be your true self to each other, sharing on purpose really vulnerable things, and just having been through really tough things with one another.

This is an interesting question, and I've been thinking about it a lot, too. I have 3 very close female friends - we all grew up together, have been friends for over 30 years, and now all live in the same area. You'd think we'd be super open with each other, but not always. I don't worry too much about what I say in the moment (and I can also be too blunt), and we're comfortable giving each other feedback that maybe the other person doesn't agree with. We're super open with each other about frustrations with husbands, concerns about kids, parents, etc. Even if we disagree with each other and get annoyed, it's always fine.

But there have been a few times that I've been upset about lack of support from them and haven't said anything. In the past couple of years two of us went through difficult stressful times (divorce and infertility), and the other two didn't reach out much at all. It really bothered my friend going through a divorce, and it bothered me a little, but we didn't say anything. And there's been a few other things like that between all of us at times. But I also tend to be non-confrontational in general. Maybe it would be better to be more open? I don't know. We've never, as adults, had any huge fights, but I also don't think there's been anything major to fight about. I'm sure if I told them I was disappointed in their lack of support, they would apologize. It just didn't seem necessary.
I don't totally know if I've even answered the OP's question

@Ajsmommy: I guess another way to say it is if I don’t have to live with, sleep in the same house, and co-manage life, I’m not gonna lose slept over it. Haha

@Ajsmommy: It's totally fine to invite "work friends" to outside-of-work events! That makes them more than coworkers but "work friends." Just keep expectations in check to avoid unnecessary disappointment.

@runnerd: this is basically me. @Ajsmommy: I also live in a place different from where I grew up and went to school. I work, but most of my “new” friends here are mom friends that I have met through my kids. Some are actual friendships; some more acquaintances; some in between. The common thread is that because we all have small kids and as such, we all expect very little from one another. I can barely remember what day my kindergartener has to bring something for share day, so I definitely forget to return calls, texts, and inadvertently forget to invite someone to the one night we all manage to get together for drinks. I am sure I’ve been left out, and I’m sure that I’ve left people out. I just don’t have any available emotional bandwidth to stress about it, and if I’m on the receiving end of being slighted in some way, assume that it was unintentional and everyone else is as fried as I am.

@Ajsmommy: I'm sad to "hear" you say that. Is this falling out a result of being honest/blunt about something?

@Ajsmommy: I see. I guess it depends on if she felt like she was put on the spot when you said you were disappointed (whether or not her excuse was legit.) The discomfort of that may have been a little too intense for where she is in her life or how she sees you as a friend.

This reminds me of a conversation I very recently had with a really good friend/coworker. She didn't respond to my texts for the weekend and I was worried about her and then I saw that she posted something on FB. I was upset because I was worried about her. It turns out she was avoiding her phone because of family drama. Anyway, I told her that I was upset with her (after she figured it out,) and we were able to talk it through and be even better friends than ever. We've worked closely together for 7 years and are basically work sisters. We tell each other EVERYTHING. I think it ended up being ok because we were already in a super personal place in our friendship where that kind of honesty isn't out of left field (not saying you and your friend aren't since I dont know the specifics.)

I absolutely agree that you should invest in friendships that are more reciprocal.

I have friends that cancel all the time for various reasons and while I have sort of gotten used to it, it still stings every time. When I plan something it is written in stone but that is not the case with everyone. Part of friendship with other moms (because my husband doesn't have problems with his dad friends canceling) is learning to navigate the disappointments of them making decisions you just don't understand. But if you think they are worth sticking it out and trying again, it can become something great. But it is definitely hard to choose who to pour into! I'm also terrible at multiple friends and tend to choose a select few so it makes the disappointments that much more annoying.

@Ajsmommy: I see! I totally get it now! I didn't understand all the planning that went into it. I feel like she should be going out of her way to be apologetic, not avoiding you. Anyway, I will be hoping that you find your friend "soulmate" soon because you obviously have a lot to offer.

I have avoided hanging out with work people. I keep work and personal separate for many reasons. We are cordial and get along but it stays at work.?I haven’t had any issues in the last 15 years.

I express myself if it’s worth it to my close friend. We have the same beliefs and values so it’s very easy