Hellobee Boards

I haven't dealt with this personally but I've been listening to the Unruffled podcast a lot and I think Janet Lansbury would recommend saying "I see you're angry but you may not X" and instead telling them how they can show their anger. So maybe keeping a stack of junk paper he can rip, poof balls he can throw, a pillow he can punch, or going outside to yell.

@josina: SOLIDARITY. I could have written your post word for word and thought about posting myself. He has always been on the calmer and happier side of toddlerhood and at 4yo (right when he started full day pre-K) shit has hit the fan. He’s a different child and it’s ANGER. He grits his teeth and makes a snarling face at us, pants and screams and grunts like a wild animal. Hits the couch, and occasionally us but he knows he shouldn’t so he’ll usually slow it down to more of a tap but the intent is still there.
I’m at a loss mostly because we’ve never dealt with this before. For the “normal” stuff we’ve always done a time-out and that was effective. But this is NEXT LEVEL and it has brought me to tears many times over the last few weeks.
The positive (if I can call it that) is that he does eventually calm down and he knows he was wrong. He’ll come and apologize for getting so upset and be very sweet and regretful. But man, the moment of anger (also in public 🤦‍♀️) is BRUTAL.
A friend recommended we watch some old episodes of Super Nanny so I’m going to do that this week.
Overall he’s still a wonderful child most of the time so I’m praying this is just some crazy 4-5yo transition/phase.

We went through this at the same age with my now 6 year old DD. She really liked to draw, so I would use the Janet Lansbury line mentioned above (it's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to do whatever destructive behavior you are doing) and then ask if she wanted to draw her feelings. It worked most of the time. I feel like it could be modified for other interests - build your feelings with legos, etc. I also think it takes some repetition, because my DD couldn't really hear me in her moment of rage. But she started knowing that it was something I would offer and kind of helped her deal, so then she was open to it. Now that she is bigger she will often ask to draw her feelings when she is feeling overwhelmed.

@hitchhiker: someone who has made it to the other side! Please tell us it does get better????? It’s a phase????

@josina: Play doh would be awesome for this. I think I would like some play doh to pound when I am mad!

My almost three year old will kick, hit, and throw items when he gets mad. I follow hand-in-hand parenting (similar to Janet Landsberry) calmly tell him, "you can be angry, but you cannot hurt people or things." I will repeat this over and over, often as I hold him so that he can't actually hurt people (me or himself) or things. I will tell him he can scream, and let him scream and cry. The only rule is not hurting people and things. I will sit with him until the tantrum passes. Usually, it doesn't take long before his brain turns back on and we're back to the races. Good luck!