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It's totally impolite to discuss your salary, cost of house, cars, vacations, etc. I would never ask a friend anything about those topics and would feel super uncomfortable if anyone asked me. I mean family I wouldn't care so much but even then...it's my money so myob! With friends money only comes up if asking how much something is that they have done or checked out. Like one friend visited a preschool and told us the monthly fee because we were also interested. But even with that I felt a little weird discussing it!
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@looch: The older the money is the less people talk about it for sure. You can always tell new money because they feel the need to flash it.
@mrbee: Money begets money, so when you're not spending for the sake of showing it off, it's actually not that hard to keep it for generations. I've encountered plenty of vey wealthy people who live completely off the interest of their money and never touch the principal.
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@Truth Bombs: Yes! I find the richer the person, the less likely they are to flaunt it. They don't have anything to prove..
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I wouldn't say I never discuss it. My closer friends I do discuss it with. My best friend knows how much I make. My family has a general idea of what we make, and I know how much my dad makes and general idea of my siblings. We're all pretty comparable, and on the lower end of middle-class so there isn't ever "bragging" going on. I don't really know any "rich" people! I also don't live in a very well-off area either. I know some people who are comfortable and don't really want for much, but for the most part the people I know all struggle. I think it's the reality of most Americans that money will always be an issue. I feel that way for me, at least.
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@JoJoGirl: I think it's more that they don't want people to befriend them just for their money.
They usually have things like a family office that handles the finances. That is how they are "reigned in."
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@Raindrop: I hear you. We're a family of savers and keep things pretty frugal. Our society's level of vapid consumerism occasionally bothers me, but I'm definitely not immune to it.
Threads like these really bring me to wonder about the difference between online social etiquette and real-life social etiquette. I see here (and elsewhere, on the web) that some seem totally comfortable either flaunting or seeking validation for matters pertaining solely to their income, assets, and purchases. I don't come across that much, in my real life. Maybe it's due the company I keep or the industry (education, dollah dollah bills, ya'll) I have experience in, but I think a lot of people avoid this sort of behavior because it makes others feel shitty and self conscious. Talk about your 18 bedroom house and designer wardrobe enough, and it starts to alienate other people. Perhaps it's more common online because people feel anonymous enough to get away with it.
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@deerylou: "Talk about your 18 bedroom house and designer wardrobe enough, and it starts to alienate other people. Perhaps it's more common online because people feel anonymous enough to get away with it" --> This!
In my circle, financial specifics just don't come up a lot. We will talk in generalities about things like the cost of water and groceries and even house prices, sometimes, but that's about it. If someone wanted to be all "if you've got it, flaunt it" about money, I likely wouldn't associate with them for long.
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I don't think it's frowned upon, necessarily, I just think people are respectful enough to know not to constantly talk about it and/or just don't give a crap what other people are doing with their finances because, well, why does it matter to anyone else?
It's also circumstantial. Obviously if someone close to me wants to ask for advice or needs to talk something out, or vice versa, that's totally fine. But if someone were to keep bringing up how much they make, all the status symbols they're buying, the size of their house, etc, for no real reason other than to flaunt it, that's just rude and I probably wouldn't be friends with that person.
Not an issue in my circle since whenever we do discuss money it's more along the lines of commiserating about not having any!
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@deerylou: What about the other side? My siblings and I, or my close friend sand I, we talk about money more to commiserate because we'll probably always be lower middle class. We don't have anything to brag about. I would agree that someone bragging about the size of their house, etc would make people feel pretty crappy overall. It's just not the reality for most Americans!
Also, my husband is in education - so I get it! Even with his masters degree, the income hardly increases. He'd love to get his Ph.D and get into university teaching eventually, but that's more debt. It's kind of a vicious cycle. -
I have 1-2 really close friends that I discuss money with -- that includes salary and cost of living type items. We have known each other for years and started discussing it when we were 22 and newly out of school, so it just continued on from there.
With other friends, we discuss things like how much does X, Y, Z cost (new furnace, house cleaning, etc.) but it isn't about flaunting -- it's about checking to see if we're getting ripped off or getting a great deal!
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@deerylou: We are in tech in the middle of Silicon valley. There is a lot of talk about money. So I think you do have a point about maybe it's the industry?
We personally don't like talking about money because it feels like our friends are just spending so much since they think it will just keep flowing (which is possible).
Does no one learn from the 2001 tech bust or the 2008 housing bust?
I will admit I do overspend sometimes too. I also have dreams of being in a bigger house but we never want to over stretch ourselves just to have that.
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@Mrs. Pen: I think commiseration and doomsday lamenting are different ball games and need to be treated on a case-by-case basis. Perpetual complainers are their own brand of annoying. Commiseration, in my eyes, is the battle cry of the middle class.
In this case, I'm mainly referencing conversations that serve no other purpose than to flaunt wealth as a means of feeling superior. "Do you have a luxury car because I do and I'm getting a second one encrusted with diamonds?" is a different question than, "would you recommend a BMW as a good family vehicle?"
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I have two friends that flat out ask money questions and it's all for comparison purposes. I had to call out one for doing it because it was uncomfortable.
As a couple we spend more time with DH's friends. No one talks actual dollars & cents, but we share experiences and what's going on in our lives. All that stuff has a cost.
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We have some close friends that we talk about financial things we, and we have a pretty good idea of what a lot of our friends make because we're all in the same industry. I'm comfortable having an open conversation about income and expenses, but I don't ever go around talking about how much I spend to get my hair done or what the square footage of my house is.
The only time I get kind of uncomfortable with financial talk is with DH's family. They are pretty much lower middle class and have made comments about our house and some other things. DH has this one relative who I swear, every time she's at our house she comments on how impressed my parents must be by our house. I never know quite how to explain to her that their house is pretty similar to ours. We kind of come from different worlds.
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I talk about money factually with friends and family - like my bff just booked an AirBnB in Waikiki so I asked her how much it was a night, or how much people are paying for daycare or parking or whatever. I have discussed house prices in the context of mortages and utility costs. I talk a lot about a girl who talks a lot about how much money she makes and how much money they spend to my husband and bff, but that kind of thing just seems braggy. But I don't know more than generally what people make and what they spend other than where it's relevant and factual. But we are all pretty middle class.
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In my circle, you can talk about when asked but try not to gloat about and also be considerate of those that have or is struggling. I've been there so I understand what it feels like to count every penny.
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@deerylou: I mean, what's the point of even buying a car if it's not encrusted with diamonds?
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In my circle of friends we mostly talk about money to avoid getting ripped off/know if we're getting a good deal - little stuff and big stuff too. But I do have one friend who constantly tells us what stuff costs in a way that seems very braggy and condescending like "and it only cost $OUTRAGEOUS". It bugs me a lot. But then I heard him complain about how much it bugs him when we're all like "can you believe _______ costs $____?" so I guess everyone has different money peeves.
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@PinkElephant: yup, I agree with you. We don't talk salaries but do talk about finding good deals. I think my friends and family all have certain things they splurge on but are frugal with other things. Almost all my friends had times when they struggled financially and those that have not, don't flaunt their money.
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We'll sometimes talk about how much things cost (in a complaining way). Most (not all) of us live on tight budgets and we commiserate with each other, but never talk specifics.
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No. We never talk about it! Not even among family members!
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Between me and my BFF, if she asked, I'd tell her and vice versa. Otherwise, we don't really talk about it!
We don't ever talk about it with other friends, even if they ask. We give them a vague response or say we rather not disclose. It's none of their biz how much we paid for xxxx. Or how much money we make!
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I never realized how Asian my mom is until I watched Fresh Off The Boat! She talks about money all the time -- but it's more about how great of a deal she got! Costco has a sale on ABC and it was only for $! My friend gave me a great deal on his orchid 50% off! I got granddaughter this cute dress because it was soooo cheap - only $ - I couldn't resist!
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@SugarplumsMom: My mom does the same!!!
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Depends on how you define "social circle" and "money", haha. I have some friends who we can and do talk about everything--salaries, home prices, whatever. And then with my local friends, almost everyone here talks about housing costs, so it wouldn't be abnormal for someone to ask how much another person bought their condo for, just because I guess real estate has been climbing so fast that everyone is curious what places are going for now. We even pass along information when a unit that isn't ours is for sale in our building--like, oh, a unit sold for 850,000 last week. Just because everyone likes to know if things are getting cheaper or more expensive.
And everyone also talks about child care costs.
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My family is very open about money and I know what my siblings and parents make and vice versa. My MIL is an accountant and she does our taxes so clearly she knows what DH and I make too!
With our closest friends, we have discussed daycare costs and housing costs (when people were buying and selling homes).
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We don't discuss salaries and stuff with friends, but we do compare notes on housing and day care prices. It's really helpful information to share!
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We don't discuss salary or net worth but we discuss home prices. "I bought in 2009 and got a palace" or "We finally bought a shack in 2015 because rent had tripled.". We also discuss daycare. A lot of the money conversations relate to SAHM vs WOH.
The wealth gap is starting to widen in my circle of college friends. Especially those with kids vs without. We're getting together this weekend and just from the emails I'm feeling poor.
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