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@sweetooth: Soooooo very excited for you and your rising numbers!!!!! Happy and healthy 9 months to you and baby sweet!

Ok, I'm kinda upset right now.

So there's been something bothering me that happened a few months ago. It's partly why I started this thread: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc

My DH's best friend had their daughter 8 months ago. A few months after his wife gave birth, my DH told me I should send her a card a 'thinking of you' card because she just gave birth and all. I told him I would (well, I never got around to it). (BTW, we did send well wishes and gifts when their daughter was born.) But my DH wanted me to do something coming from me. A big reason why I procrastinated on sending the card is because of our infertility. It was hard. We both started trying around the same time they started. (Actually we started before they did by a couple months.) They had past medical issues that could have given them trouble TTC. (I felt a little better knowing that we could support each other.) Well, you can assume who got pregnant... They did after one month of trying and you know what happen to us. Going on BFN #12. I'm happy for them and their little growing family but I'm a little sad and hurt that we aren't pregnant.

Anyway, I never told my DH about my real reasons on why I never got around to sending the card. Tonight, we were talking about whether we should take a break or continue TTC. Well, I thought it was a good time to open up to him about this little secret. I didn't want to tell him this before because I was afraid that it would seem very very selfish and he would take it the wrong way or that he wouldn't support me. Selfish thought: That maybe I should be getting a 'thinking of you' card because of our struggle TTC. (But I realize now from the responses from that thread I started that non-IFers don't get it and that it's hard for them to relate...)

Well, I was right. I told him. Really opened up to him.
His response, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way because it's two different situations that shouldn't affect each other. Us having trouble getting pregnant shouldn't change sending someone a card for having a baby."

What?!?! Did he really just say that? Did he pretty much say I have irrational thoughts and that my infertility woes are not important? Am I being super sensitive? Would you guys be mad if your husband or significant other said that? You know last month, he was telling me how upset he has been that we aren't pregnant yet and I really felt bad that our infertility was affecting him like that. I was really concerned about him and I came to you guys to ask how he could get some more support. You know since I have you guys, at least. He talks to his best friend and that's it?

I'm just so upset. Why couldn't he support me? Why couldn't he say I'm sorry I felt that way. Why couldn't he comfort his wife. Instead he made me feel like scum for thinking that way. He just doesn't understand it. He just doesn't understand me and the crapiness of infertility.

You know I understand that we as women might be affected by IF differently than men do. I get that but, shesh, did my husband really have to be heartless and say that to me? I don't even know what to do with him. You know I thought we were a team and we were in this difficult TTC process together. Clearly, this is why I need your support instead of his.

What do you think? Would you be hurt if your guy said that to you? Am I overreacting? Am I an oversensitive IF-er?

@bluestriped bee: First, you're not an oversensitive IFer - this shit is tough. Second, did you and your husband continue to talk through things last night after he said that? I think this journey is different for men, but if you talk about some of your thoughts and feelings you can make them more aware of how it really affects you. I would probably be upset if my husband told me I should be sending out "yay you're pregnant" cards while dealing with infertility. But then I would talk with him and let him know why it upsets me. Communication is so important. (hugs!)

@spaniellove: Is the switching insurance plans related to a new job? Did you find out from a doctor that another IUI is definitely out? I can understand the panicked feelings - I hope there's still a chance that you can try IUI again before jumping into a second IVF.

@bluestriped bee: hugs! I would have reacted the same way. I think that men can distance themselves a lot easier than women can. My DH thought I was nuts for bawling my eyes out when we found out his cousin and wife were pregnant. We started at the same time and they got pregnant like that (snapping fingers).

IF is hard and I second @spaniellove: suggestion to find a therapist or at least someone you can talk about this with and who gets it. My DH couldn't understand how I couldn't separate our failure with others success. Logically I know that others successes have no effect on our failure or success, but emotionally I had trouble separating that.

@bluestriped bee: You are not being over sensitive at all. Men just do not get it. I'm so sorry he reacted like that. I totally have a hard time when someone announces a pregnancy or birthy. Last week my sister-in-law gave birth and while I was happy for her, it was just another reminder that I am so far from that. She struggled with IF for 4 years and has been a great support to me, but it was still hard. I agree that you need to communicate this to your DH. He needs to support you through this.

@sweetooth: Thanks. The old fashioned way still has lots of thinking and discussions about IVF and the next step. We have checked out two IVF clinics and decided which one we will go with. DH also went to a urologist and found out that he does have a blockage so now we are deciding if he should have surgery or not. At least we are getting some answers.

@jetsa: I think it really depends on the practice and your insurance. We paid for everything out of pocket so we didn't have to wait a set time, and had already gone 9 cycles and done 2 SA's before getting there so they knew it wasn't an issue of us just not waiting long enough. Did you see an RE or your OB? I've found that REs seem to move right into work after the initial workup versus OBs who like to keep you trying for a long time in their offices. Both processes benefit the provider financially (working quickly with an RE and working slowly with an OB) so it makes sense that they'd take those routes. Since we have an infertility diagnosis and we'll still be paying out of pocket, I think we'll go straight into a second IUI without having to do many of the steps again. It's not like our infertility will reverse itself.

Ladies I'm back from my wonderful honeymoon with an awesome suntan. The break was sooooo nice. I want to get on a plane and go back right now.

AFM: I had my beta this morning and just got the call to let me know that I'm not pregnant. I was really hopeful that this IUI would be the one for us. I am at work and on the verge of tears. I don't know what to say to my DH when I go home tonight.

@raintreebee: FX that your TWW flies by and you get a BFP out of it!

@bluestriped bee: I don't think you were being too sensitive about the situation. I know that my DH just doesn't understand why I get so upset every month about something I have absolutely no control over. I tried to explain to him that I feel like it is my "job" to get pregnant and every month I fail for reasons that I can't control. I asked him how he would feel if every month he failed at something that everyone else seems to be able to do. I agree with the others you may want to find someone you can talk it over with aside from your DH.

@sweetooth: So happy to hear that your numbers are increasing. Wishing you a H&H nine months.

@mrswin: welcome back! I'm glad you had a good honeymoon. Sorry that your cycle wasn't successful

@Shutterbug: Mine was actually great. Super easy and pretty pain free (minus a little cramping). I know others have had totally different situations, but you just never know. Either way it'll be over in about 15 mins. Don't scare yourself. It is kinda messy and gross though as the liquid drains out. My only complaint.

@sweetooth: We haven't found out the extent of the blockage yet. He has an appointment on Friday with the urologist to talk about it. He has had many SAs done which show low volume and low motility, but the count is good. We need to find out if the surgery will increase the motility. If it isn't going to help much, then we won't go through with it. He handeling it pretty well but I can tell that he doesn't like the idea of the surgery. I guess we'll find out more on Friday.

@marionberry: I hope mine is like yours!! Did you take any meds (Advil, etc) beforehand?
@sweetooth: thank you!! I keep telling myself by this time tomorrow it'll be over, and that's helping.

@MrsCastro: sorry if I missed your update... How was your phone appointment? Are you getting any testing done?

@TheSwissWifeStyle: OMG!! Congratulations! I read your blog post about your HSG - glad all that stress and pain helped get you pregnant, haha!

@justdarling: I hope Friday goes well. And I wish this wasn't so complicated. Sometimes I feel like there should be a "sex ed" class later in life to help you learn about this stuff. There's so much to take in, process and understand.

@bluestriped bee: Glad to hear that guys are talking through it

@TheSwissWifeStyle: No need to apologize! I think it's fantastic that you were only here for a short time! Congratulations!

@sweetooth: @Leialou: Thank you!!

@mrswin: I am so sorry this month wasn't successful :(. Hugs. I can't imagine getting that bad news at work, I don't think I could have held it togther like you did. I hate to hear that with all the struggles of IF that you also have to deal with a doctor like that. I hope you can switch to the other dr. in the practice.

@TheSwissWifeStyle: Congratulations!!!!! So glad your stay here was short! Happy and healthy 9 months!

3. I know many of us are doing either IUI or IVF. There was an IVF chat thread but maybe we start an IUI thread, just so that people who may want advice or to learn about IUI have one concetrated thread to read with info on that topic. Maybe there could be a Clomid/Femara thread? HSG thread? etc... While we tend to talk about those things in our regular support thread, having separate threads on the different treatments could help ladies quickly find info on a certain topic. However, I realize this would mean we are repeating some info on more than one thread but I am willing to do that if it seems like it could be helpful. What do you think?

@kentuckygirl: I can't seem to figure out how everything would work best. I've spend some time lurking on other IF boards and noticed that they do well with their format because they have a large volume of users and because their sites always separate each board - they're never mixed together like they are here. So because of the structure, posters aren't as likely to miss each other in a thread or miss an IF-related thread.

I'm not sure I'm ready to be pigeonholed into an IVF thread, partly because it got lonely and partly because it's not clear what we're doing next. I like seeing what everyone is doing...but maybe that's just me.

I will say I like "IF Support" instead of seeing the word Infertility over and over and over....bleh. Like we need to be beat over the head with that awful term.