I'm so depressed about DH's laziness. He works SO hard at work (long hours) and is useless at home. I just can't do it all. UGH!
Am I the only one?
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Well my husband doesn't work long hours but he is really lazy about housework. I adore him but it pisses me off. I stay home but he works from home and half the time he leves messes like a teenager. He eat 17 meals a day I swear and he never does a dish or lifts a finger to help outside of occasionally taking out the garbage, changing the cats litter and mowing the lawn. He is really lazy and I think because I stay home he thinks I should do everything even clean up after him. It makes me crazy. Sound like in your case your husband is just too busy though. Can you afford occasional help?
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My DH used to be useless, really, I would find socks stuffed down the sofa that he would take off after work, the house would be a pig sty if I had left it...so I left it. It lasted 3 weeks and he had no shirts for work left before he noticed. There were no dishes left clean and it made me feel ill being in our house. Finally he took the hint, he now does about half the housework, when he slacks off I do too and he knows how that will end. There is no way I'm living my life clearing up after him.
Once baby comes if he slacks off again, ill keep babies things clean and sterile and just stay in babies room until DH gets his act together. Lol. -
If you do it all for him, he has learned that he doesn't have to chip in.
When we clean, we do it together. Ask for help with specific tasks. "I'm cleaning the kitchen, I need you to scrub the toilets"
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Can you give him one specific task to do that would help you out?
I ask mine to finish up loading the dishwasher/handwash the pots. He can do it even if he gets home from work at 10 pm and it doesn't take really that long, but it's not something that I enjoy doing so I've asked for his help.
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One thing that really helps us to avoid having a lot of housework to do at any given time is just to be more diligent with the clean up after cooking eating, after using the sinks in the bathroom, squeegee-ing shower right after you shower and still in there, etc. If he can help just to clean up as you go along, maybe it can help lighten your load!
I def would approach this as positive reinforcement since he does work so hard at home. Don't make him feel like he's not doing enough but praise him for the little things that he can do throughout the week!
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Ugh, yeah. He will clean but he only does half of the job, like taking out the bathroom trash, he won't put new trash bags under the sink. When he does laundry, he leaves all of the socks in the laundry basket for me to match. It's just little things that bother me. I especially don't love when he complains about cleaning, while I'm cleaning.
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Gosh yes. & he doesn't even respect how much I do. We are newlyweds, (married in October, living together for 1.5 years & in our own house/without a roommate for 1 year.) & we have a 6 month old baby so we are really hitting some rough patches right now. I don't expect him to come home & deep clean or anything but not leaving clothes on the floor, throwing away his trash, helping with LO without me having to tell him & occasional help with dinner would be great. I ask him (nicely, I might add) all the time & yet he still doesn't even try. Sometimes, when he's sleeping, it's all I can do not to smother him with his pillow! (Exaggeration, of course but he really does make me mad.)
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@snowjewelz: I've tried the praise thing, it doesn't work
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DH does his best to do what I ask. Things are just so crazy right now we can't keep up! He wouldn't *think* of doing the things I see/ notice in the same way though. He takes out the garbage but could care less about dishes or the bathroom. I am not domestic but those things don't get noticed by him in the same way.
He and I have gotten used to me telling him what to do. He prefers that sort of communication and direction and I do not prefer telling people what to do because I am self motivated. We have come a long way. I grew up with all women and you were supposed to mind read and I find telling him what I need is not as bad actually- not as bad as having to guess.
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My DH is great about picking up stuff and keeping it organized. He doesn't help with cleaning things unless I spell it out. But he did clean the toilets and sinks this am. I told him that's what I really needed and how I wanted him to do it.
I agree with PPs. Maybe try asking him to do a specific task that you really need help with.
My DH also works long hours and I try to encourage him and thank him for that regularly. (Not to say I don't work hard too, but everyone likes to hear that they are doing a great job!)
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I can't believe everyone is thanking and praising their DHs for helping with the housework, he lives there too! I expect it from my husband to clean up after himself, I would never thank him for that. You girls are so tolerant, hats off to you!
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@Mrs tartan: That's what I was thinking. I don't praise my DH for cleaning up after himself. My 6 year old, maybe, but even that is getting less and less. I just expect everyone to clean up after themselves.
I'll thank him for helping me with something...especially lately, since I'm full term and extremely lacking in efficiency. But, that's only when he's helping me with cleaning up after myself.
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@Mrs tartan: I understand what you mean, but I also understand their method. They have husbands who have a different "cleanliness threshold", and I guess their options at this point are 1)divorce 2) nag 3) "discussions" 4) positive reinforcement like when training a puppy
I assume if someone is posting here, they've already tried discussing it with the SO.
I also play cleaning chicken with my husband--- each of us refusing to clean without the other, and that works for us because hey, sometimes our house is messy but at least I don't resent my husband. But some people can't live with clutter and spots on the bathroom mirror and they have to do something else. Shrug. I can't say it's worse than my method of just not cleaning if DH also doesn't clean.
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This is why we have a cleaning lady. We both work demanding full time jobs and have no desire to spend our free time cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors. We are both much happier.
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@MamaMoose: +1
He'll vacuum and wash dishes if it's bothering him.
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Could you make a list of things that each of you are responsible for every week? I'll admit neither of us are awesome housekeepers, so we just divided up the tasks and actually put it down on paper. Now we know exactly what each of us is supposed to be doing.
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My DH definitely does his share of other chores--cooks, grocery shops, etc., but cleaning is hopeless
Once, after mentioning to him something about the kitchen being messy after he used it, he cleaned the entire thing with wads of wet toilet paper!! 
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My husband is just plain lazy. The only thing he does around the house is vacuum. I purposely don't do it so he will. He doesn't even put dishes in the dishwasher.
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I could write paragraphs and paragraphs about this but I don't want to get worked up, lol. So the answer is yes
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My DH is just this. He really is cooperative when remembers to be. He's someone who just doesn't see mess, dust, or crumbs. My struggle with this doesn't so much have to do with mess. Actually, it has to do with him knowing I'm the one who has to clean it and that this is not enough motivation to pick up after himself. My household behavior with roommates and intimate partners is different from if I was living alone.
There are some days, where I can talk myself into seeing how minuscule of an issue this is, and other days, I am deeply offended and irritated.
On the days when I can talk myself to calm is to actively make a list in my mind about all that my partner does do; the laundry, make me breakfast, do the groceries, kisses and such, etc.
On the days when I cannot, I put the 4 to 8 pieces of clothing (including underwear) that are cluttering the living room, and put them on the fire escape outside the bedroom window.
Its hard to deal with someone who doesn't care, and just as hard to make yourself care less for sanity's sake.
I feel you.
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@MamaMoose: @MrsH: DH and I agree, besides R, the cleaning lady is the best decision we ever made in our marriage. Worth every single penny.
While I still get annoyed with him during the week for leaving coke cans around and what not, at least we aren't fighting over scrubbing toilets.
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@Mrs tartan: I've made a point of praising DH for household chores and the like to make it understood that I appreciate it and is important to me. Little things can undo a marriage, so making sure those little things aren't big with some praise goes a long way.
@Anagram: I agree on the different cleanliness thresholds. DH and I have very different ones. Once LO arrived, our differences were magnified when there's more laundry and dishes to be done. It's a tough balance trying to find where our thresholds meet up.
Chorewars helped the chore issue quite a bit. We've laxed on it, but it reinforced keeping the house clean. It got DH motivated to do his share. Through our chores issues, I also learned that he didn't do them up as a kid, so it was never really taught growing up. I'm still learning ways to manage his lack of being house proud in chores, so our house doesn't look like a tornado run through.
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My husband isn't too good at house work either, but I sah so I take care of it all by default anyways. He is really really helpful with yard and farm work though so I consider that to equalize e situation. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me crazy every morning when the kitchen is trashed from his breakfast thoughM
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My husband does not do anything on his own. I have to ask him to do stuff than then he will help out. What works for me is we each pick 3 tasks to do that we are in charge of each week, and then he helps. He never picks up after himself though and that drives me bonkers. The house is always cleaner when he travels for work!
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I have a hard time saying yes... he doesn't do much housework, but he is solely responsible for yard work, home maintenance (cleaning air filters, replacing bulbs, etc), and anything auto-related.
So, sometimes I get worked up about the state of our house and that he doesn't help me, but he does equal amount of work, just different...
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I stay at home, he works so out agreement is that I take care of the house. It works for us. If I have had a rough day or am falling behind he will help me without me asking and I appreciate it so I thank him because to me he is helping me with my job even though I don't expect it.
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DH is responsible for certain tasks and so am I. He vacuums, does laundry, dishes, and trash. I do bathrooms, cook, shop, and dust/polish. Things that fall outside those things we do together because I get resentful otherwise. The deal we have is that we don't complain if the other person doesn't do the job the way you would, although we can politely ask or suggest a better/different way. This is hard to do esp. when my whites turn blue tinted or something but if it bugs me so much, then I should do it myself. We will get a house cleaner eventually but we are saving money right now.
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Yes. Mine is totally unhelpful.
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He does the dishes and takes out the trash... that's it. Period. I try to get him to do anything else and it is like pulling teeth. He doesn't even clean off the counters when he does the dishes. If it isn't a dish, it doesn't get cleaned.
I have been slowly remodeling the kitchen since we bought this house. It would be done by now if he would lift a finger to help. New floors, new cabinets, painting, chair rails and all the small details inbetween.... Ugh... Its a source of frustration between us.
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We both take pride in respecting our belongings and ownership. I SAH so I choose to let most of the housework fall on my shoulders, but my husband pitches in without being asked to. We both pick up after our daughter and make sure there are clean dishes and clothes.
Also, I'm not his mom.
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My DH and I have different standards of cleanliness that we prefer, but we've worked to find a balance that keeps us both sane. We have specific chores that we each always do. It works out really well for us. But we do say "thank you" to each other after we do our chores, but in a way that it's still clear we expect each other to do it. It's just nice to say.
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Actually my husband cleans more than i do, because he doesny mind cleaning and i do things like grocery shopping and cooking. But i agree that in a relationship you are both adults and need to split tasks like this equally. Make a chore chart!
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My husband isn't working right now AND doesn't do a lot around the house. Sigh. It's a phase, at least, I keep telling myself that.
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My husband is actually pretty good when it comes to doing a specific chunk of housework. He does heaps of laundry, frequently loads the dishwasher and is better about remembering to change the bed than I am! But he is terrible at putting things away and picking up as he goes along so the house becomes a mess within minutes when he's around!!!
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Yes. DH stays at home, too. He'll only do something when I ask, which is helpful, but sometimes I wish he'd just take the initiative and help out.
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@pmerr: That's exactly how mine is. He does it if I ask. But the more I have to ask, the more annoying it (and I) become! Why can't they just do it on their own??!?
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DH definitely has a different cleanliness threshold than I do!
I do most of the weekly cleaning, and he'll pitch in when I ask. Lately, instead of asking "can you help me clean?", (he would always say yes, but wouldn't start helping until I was almost done with everything) I ask something like "would you rather clean the bathroom or the kitchen?". So he has to claim a specific task/area, instead of give a general offer of help.
It's such a small thing, but it's really made a difference! -
@ValentineMommy: I hear you!
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Housework? Yes!
But he does all the outside work - mowing, weeding, landscaping, etc.
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42 comments