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Your mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her. The longer you allow her to act the way she does, the more she'll revert to her childish ways because well, she's getting away with it.
1. You're the one that's pregnant, you should be thinking about your family and not about your mom's ridiculous demands.
2. She's threatened to completely ignore your requests, and most importantly, she's disregarding your baby's safety just because she can't bother to re-educate herself with modern safety standards. If a babysitter responded this way, would you still allow this person to look after your child?
3. You need to set boundaries and stand up for your family. Make sure your mom understands and know the consequences -- and don't give in.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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Ugh sounds like my mom. Bless the eight hours between the both of us.
Agreed with mostly everyone here. Don't leave your baby alone with her and tell her things last. She needs to know boundaries and I'd love to say it gets better after the baby gets here, but not for me. Feeling for you!
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Like others said, now's the time to set, and stick to, your boundaries. Don't leave her with your child alone (it's up to you to tell her why or not). Don't talk about your MIL being Grandma (let them both be grandma - the baby won't be calling them anything for a few years anyway).
The Facebook thing is the biggest issue in my mind, because she is blatantly disrespecting you. My MIL had a similar issue: we didn't want pictures of our son on FB and she'd repeatedly post them, even after we asked her not to. Finally my husband called and spoke very sternly, saying if she did it again she would not be allowed to even take pictures of our son because we don't trust her AND we'd unfriend her from our accounts so she couldn't see any we might choose to put up. She hasn't done it again. If she says "oh I'll come to the hospital anyway." I suggest you tell her the nurses will be informed to not let her in and she can forget about seeing the baby once you're home unless she's ready to be respectful of your wishes.
You know her best. Is she fussing to get her way? If you are really tough & firm will she back down? If you think she won't listen, I'd suggest some counseling for yourself so you can be better prepared to handle her. Someone who is manipulative and disrespectful is toxic.
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First of all, you need to stop telling her anything. Imagine that everything you tell her is going straight on her FB wall. My MIL loves to tag us in everything baby related, so I made it so I had to approve "tags."
I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor. Of course she will be pissed but if she can't agree to the terms, then she doesn't need to know when you go into labor.
Kids decide what to call their grandmother. We called ours "Pama." I have no idea why, we just did. Your kid can have more than one grandma.
As much as this behavior upsets you (of course it does!) you still seem very much entangled in some of her antics. Like the grandmother thing...it's just not worth it. You are going to be far too busy to indulge her once the baby arrives.
I really hope things simplify for you but it seems like it might take some pretty drastic boundary setting. -
I echo what most others have said... I would ignore the "grandma" debate. Your LO will probably end up calling her gigi or something else that no one could predict.
The safety issues are no go for me. My mom knew that she wasn't watching my LO unless she followed my rules (and my mom is nothing like this.) The biggest complaint I had was my mom giving LO sugar, which she mostly said she was going to do just to mock my anti-sugar before age 1 stance.
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So, I don't have direct experience with a family member like this, but I did see this article last week: http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/grandparenting-the-baby-boomer-way/2015/05/07/c8b95094-f350-11e4-bcc4-e8141e5eb0c9_story.html
Basically, many hospitals are offering classes for grandparents just because so much has changed since they were parents themselves. Can you find out if your hospital has something like this? Do you think she would go, with you maybe? Maybe hearing how important certain safety things are from someone else would be convincing to her. Otherwise, I would have to say, 'Sorry mom, if you can't respect my wishes, you can't babysit my child.'
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To everyone who keeps saying not to let her babysit- we are DEFINITELY not intending to ever leave the baby alone with her (despite her insistence that we will). Maybe when the kid is 5 or so, and old enough to tell us what happened when we're away, and if her attitude has changed, but certainly not as a baby. Besides just small amounts of time (like if she's holding the baby at a family gathering and we leave the room for a few minutes), my main concern is work. We're putting in a day care at our office, and my mom works nearby. She's already told us that she intends to stop by and see the baby whenever she wants. We've repeatedly asked her not to do so. We want the baby to establish a routine at the day care and not be interrupted by a visiting grandparent. The day care attendant knows we don't want her in there and will ask her to leave, but my mom is the type to pretend she doesn't hear and barge in anyways.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: stop the info train. Your mom doesn't need to know where daycare is.
Does day carea have security measures? Your workplace? People can't just walk into my husbands place of employment and I would hope that any old stranger couldn't barge into a DCP!
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@MrsBananaGrabber: Wow, in the case of your mother barging in on the on-site daycare, I would give the caregiver the authority to call building security or the police if she is trespassing. Most daycares also have a policy authorizing specific people to pick up children from the daycare. Even if someone like a grandma or aunt is known to the daycare staff, if they are not authorized, they can't take the child out. I feel like this could work in the same way for visits. I seem to remember there will be other children in your office daycare, so that could also be a privacy/safety issue.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: It's not a full-on daycare- it's a large extra room in our office suite that's being converted, and my baby will be the only kid there for at least 6 months. Anyone off the street would have to go up to our floor, through reception and to the back of the office suite, but there isn't any kind of locked door along the way to stop them (and it's a very safe area, so it's not really a security concern except for my mother).
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@lamariniere: Definitely a privacy / safety concern, even though it'll just be my kid at first. The building doesn't have security because it's such a safe area.
I don't think she would try to actually take the baby out of the day care (I hope not, at least!). I think she's more likely to just go spend her lunch break there, stop by after work, that kind of thing. I don't want here there at all, but at least the day care attendant would be there too to make sure everything is safe.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: Since it is a company daycare, can't you have a policy stating no outside visitors allowed? Especially since outside visitors are going to have to traipse through your office to reach the daycare room. It sounds like if you give your mother an inch, she will run with a mile and she will never be able to be reigned in. If the company issues the policy, it's not like you yourself are telling her what she can and can't do, it's the company policy setting the rules.
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@lamariniere: It's the policy now, but it's not enforced like it should be. Maybe I'll tell her that the receptionist has already been disciplined for letting her in, and if she keeps barging in she'll get the receptionist fired. Self-centered as she is, I'd like to think she'd at least stop at costing another person their job.
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Shut her DOWN. I am so serious when I say I would put a restraining order on my mother if she barged into daycare after repeatedly being told not too & with the knowledge that someone would lose their job if she did.
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She's definitely being a little immature and selfish, but try to pick your battles with her. Being called Grandma - fine. Posting things on facebook, just tell her things last from now on (we did this with bith of our moms since neither of them can keep a secret and it worked out just fine). Arguing about how you're going to parent - silly and pointless all around. You don't know what kind of parent you will be until after baby arrives and trust me, you will bend a little in order to get a break!
My Mom also goes on and on about what i should be doing differently and I just say "oh okay" and totally ignore her. When she goes too far (like physically taking DS from me to try and keep him awake when I've said it's time for bed) I get stern and snap if necessary. She knows when I mean business and backs down. Otherwise - I could care less what she feeds him and how she puts him down for nap if she's offering to babysit so I can have a break.
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Honestly, if my mom didn't have the minimum amount of respect for me required to not barge into my workplace and LO's daycare center after repeatedly being told no, she wouldn't ever see me or my child. Period.
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Hopefully she'll be different once baby arrives. My mil makes a lot of jokes about 'stealing' the baby, and it being her rules when she's visiting her.
But when it comes down to it she's been very good at respecting my parenting choices.
Although my 8 month old refusing to leave my arms may have helped ensure my 'rules' are followed.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: as for daycare, if she isn't on the emergency contact list she can't be there. So, don't put her on the form!
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@Peasinapod: Hopefully my mom will be more like yours once the baby arrives!
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@MrsBananaGrabber: One thing to consider regarding daycare - are you involved at all in how it's being set up? If you are, try to make the security more serious. A swipe access on the room or something. The reason I say this, is daycares are often locked not necessarily because there are wackos looking to steal your kid. It's to keep unauthorized family members (like non-custody parent during a divorce or someone like your mom) out. If she is able to "barge right in", security is too lax.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: If your work is putting it in, I'm guessing they will need to comply with state regulations for daycares -- i would check those out. My state's specifically spell out requirements for a visitation policy.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: you've gotten lots of good advice here. I just want to commiserate. My DS is 2.5 weeks old and my mom is insanely jealous if my in-laws. Even though she was there at the hospital when he was born. Even though the in-laws live on the other side if the country. Try not to let your mom get to you, just do what you need to do.
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