On the radio this morning I heard that lying to your partner about money is more harmful to a relationship than infidelity. That seems hard to believe, but I think finding out your so has mounds of debt could feel like a betrayal.
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Wow, I dont' even know which one is worse! They both involve lies and deceit and dishonor. I guess I can understand lying about debt more than I can get my head around cheating, so I think infidelity is ultimately worse. But yeah I guess it could be kind of similar!
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I think I agree that lying about money is worse than cheating. If your spouse gets you in serious debt that could negatively affect the rest of your life. If your spouse cheats on you, it's a terrible thing to have happen but you will likely eventually get over it and move on. You may not have that chance if your credit is ruined.
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I don't think it is worse.
If my husband cheated on me, I would leave him.
if he lied about money, I would be disappointed/upset but I wouldn't leave him. -
I think they're both bad because you lose all trust, but I'd rather DH lie about money than sleep with someone else.
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Some people REALLY don't want to marry someone with a lot of debt. I think any type of betrayal of trust is damaging. Don't think lying about money is worse than infidelity though.
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I could forgive him if he lied about money (we can work through it hopefully if he's willing to give it a try). But if he cheated on me, even if he said he wanted to make effort to try, it would be REALLY really hard for me to forgive him.
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I have an acquaintance whose husband had gambled off their entire savings and had been lying to her about his money problems since the start of their marriage (more than 10 years ago). They have two young children and all of their money is gone. She says that she would rather have him cheat. That way, she could divorce and get some sort of settlement. She can't leave him now because he gambled ALL their money!
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@Rubies: I'm curious how something like that happens! Did she not have access to their savings accounts or ever look at bank statements? I'm so money conscientious, I just can't imagine going 10 years (or even a few months) without checking our accounts.
ETA: That's horrible that happened to her though! I definitely agree that in that case, being cheated on wouldn't have been as bad. Now her future is screwed because of him!
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@Rubies: Yikes. I'd be so pissed. -.-
I know someone who has a gambling problem too. His wife put up with it for almost 30 years! They have 2 grown up children and are getting divorced. -
I think it totally depends. I have hid money things from my husband before (like the $50 I just spent for LO on clothes from Gap). So, to me, thats different then hiding that I have huge amounts of debt or a gambling problem or something like that.
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To me, a lie is a lie, and it doesn't matter what the content is. It is a violation of my trust.
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@Adira: She wasn't money conscientious at all and just trusted her husband. I've met her husband many times and he, aside from the gambling thing, is a good person so she had no real reason NOT to trust him. He always went and checked the mail so she just let him take care of all the "money things". She still had her own personal account and kept track of that but most of her earnings went to their joint account.
ETA: The guy isn't a good guy anymore...He USED TO be, way back when.
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@Rubies: Actually, I guess I understand how that happens. My husband is actually the same way. I pay all our joint bills and I check the mail and file our bank statements, it would be easy for him not to have a clue! But our separate accounts are with the same bank as our joint account so when either of us logs into the bank to check our individual accounts, the joint account shows up for us too, so I would THINK he would notice if it was losing money. But I can see how if her individual account was with another bank, she wouldn't go out of her way to check the joint account.
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Gosh, I think I'm a maybe on this. I would NEVER EVER EVER cheat on my husband but I did lie by omission to him about my credit card debt when we were dating. If either of us were spending money willy nilly without the other finding out and racking up debt, that would just devastate us both. It's such a huge lie not to tell your SO that you have issues with money or for them not to know what you're spending your money on. Thankfully, my husband found out about my debt and cheered me on as I paid it off. Now that it's paid off, I never want to feel that way again - like I have let him down. It was the worst feeling ever.
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@rubies oh wow, that's awful
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I think situations like these all depend on the context of each situation. If it's over minor spending money here and there; I don't think the trust would be broken as badly as cheating or an affair. However, if this is major debt, ongoing financial misuse of money... they most definitely can see that being as detrimental if not moreso than an affair.
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Cheating is somethign in my eyes is a done deal, no turning back situation, money depending on the degree of the situation can be rebuilt as long as you come to an understanding.
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@MamaMoose: That's what I was thinking. I'm not married yet, but if he screwed me over with money, I'd be more irate than if he cheated. I could get over cheating and move on (not with him), but not messing with my money or credit.
I like my good credit.LOL
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I think it depends. I tell him a little white lie about what things cost. "Oh, yeah, I got it on sale!" LOL It usually applies to clothes. No big ticket items.
I do think it depends on how significant the debt was. I do know someone who had a gambling problem and gambled A LOT of money away. He had PO boxes where his credit card bills would go. His wife ended up divorcing him because he had this problem for a long time. Like 10 years. She tried to be supportive for a few years but the problems kept coming back.
I think having a big secret like that could hurt the relationship. Like hiding a lot of money or hiding credit cards.
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