Hellobee Boards

@Mrsbells: RE: peeing -- sigh. I have posted here about our struggles with bedwetting which I don't want to talk about it anymore as I have gotten very mean and judgemental comments from some readers here about it. A few months or so ago I noticed the issue went into daytime. Every now and then (every other day when it was the worst) he would come home smelling bad and he would tell me he need to go change his pants. I looked at his pants and there is a dark wet spot in the front. So there are days he just peed his pants and somehow he thought it was OK. I was devastated. We are seeing the the enuresis clinic now at the urologist and we have explained over and over and over that it is NOT ok to pee his pants, EVER. It seems to be better lately. Story of my life. For that particular morning (swim to recital) he said before we head out of the house to swim, he was too involved in playing Lemonade Stand on the Alexa Dot so he "forgot" to use the restroom. He is always too busy and peeing in the toilet is always the last thing on his mind. Otherwise he is super bright, very funny and creative. He is reading a coding book by himself and learning to code on my old laptop that DH revived for him, he plays scrabbles since kindergarten. How can a smart kid like him not have his priorities straight and doesn't understand the basic priorities in life - such as peeing in the potty and telling the truth...? Do I one day have to remind him to breathe too ...?

For lying, I think he needs to find that something in him that can determine good and evil. I don't know how to help him find it. Today as we were talking, I asked him would he start stealing money from my wallet he said no. I said why wouldn't you, he said because I love you! I said, no.... because that's wrong, you don't take money from anyone regardless if you love them or not! Argh.

@Foodnerd81: Thanks for sharing, I am glad it is "normalish". I guess something to bring up with the pediatrician at our well visit in 2 months.

@Mrsbells: Thank you. Yes we are seeing a specialist now and while nothing can be done (and they claim it is normal and happen to a certain % of kids... some kids can wet their bed until puberty and beyond... YIKES), they gave me a series of suggestions and we are working through it. Even the urologist said the enuresis alarm (wakes him up as he's peeing the bed so his brain learns - which was also one of the reasons why I got a ton of negative feedback) was really the only proven way to help with the issue, so we are going back to that. It seems to be a little better now as I think somehow through nagging and expensive specialist visits and notes to his teacher, something got into him. Asking him to use the restroom, however, is still a constant struggle. He was more potty-trained when he was 3 years old compared to now. I can only nag so much I started to hate myself.

@Mrsbells:

@TWINKLETOES: Aww, thank you for creating an account just to reply to my issue. I will check out the Chicken Little book, thanks, and good point about the counsellor RE: regressed daytime wetting. Very honestly, in the very back of my mind I am secretly worried that DS would turn out to be a sociopath. A while ago I read one of those internet articles (that has absolutely no scientific proof) and it said kids who wet their bed until teenage years are more likely to turn out to be a sociopath. It stuck in my mind. And then this developing lying thing. Sigh. I hope I am worrying too much.

@ALV91711: Thank you so much

@lady baltimore: Honestly, there were so many privileges that were taken away previously there was nothing that I could take away anymore. This is a serious offense so here are the few things:

- No payment after folding his clothes at least for next week and we'll re-assess.

- He was supposed to have pajamas day at school today. Initially I was so mad, I took out all the clean clothes in his dirty hamper, and dumped all his clean pajamas into it, took it away, and said he is going to wear his regular uniform to school tomorrow instead of pajamas. Cue a lot of crying. After I calmed down, I offered that if he fold all those clothes that he was supposed to have done, we will reconsider. He did. I asked him to fold all those clean pajamas and put them back. He also did. So the original pajamas day decision was revoked and he went to school in pajamas today.

- Yesterday I was going to read another chapter to him on a Harry Potter book before bedtime (we literally just started on Monday). That was taken away last night. (Really because I was too upset, and we spent a lot of time talking about the whole thing, folding clothes and what not)

- All other little things that define "grounded" : No ipad, no dessert, no coding on my old computer... for a few days or until he redeem himself with good behavior.

- He is not allowed in my house to "pretend" or "joke" anymore (you know, "ouch I hurt myself! Haha, I am just kidding, gotcha" kind of joke, which he does that a lot) for a few days until he proves himself with good behavior and honesty, and we'll reassess.

RE: What are you doing to make your son feel the cost of losing your trust?Honestly, I don't even know if he cares. But I rub it in today and I have been saying things the whole day like, "are you telling the truth?" "It hurts that I can't trust you on even little things" "Can you not lie anymore so I can trust you again?" And I rub it in here and there on why we shouldn't lie and why lying is bad. Like a broken record.

@misolee: Hahaha! What did your DD tell you why did she lie about it? Did she want approval from you?

Honestly, strangely your DD reminds me of myself! I think that's "creative lying" (vs. mine who lied for money) and it is more OK. I remember when I was either kindergarten or first grade, I would go home, and completely make up new classmate names, and I would tell my mom that I played with susan and jenny today, I made up pretty elaborate stories (for a 5 / 6 yr old), when susan and jenny don't even exist. It is weird, I have absolutely no idea why I did that. I even questioned myself why did I do that at the moment and I couldn't figure out why. And my mom never questioned (back then parents don't care, or at least mine didn't... now thinking about it if she had paid attention she would have KNOWN I was lying because there were new "characters" every other day lol). I have a feeling your DD is OK.

@gestalt: @808love: @Foodnerd81: Ohh, please understand I wasn't proud of myself of my "put all his clean pajamas in the hamper and announced he would wear normal uniform to school tomorrow instead of pajamas" moment. I was literally telling you all what happened. Yes I was mad. That one was 100% the consequence of me being mad and fearful of the situation. It was reverted when I dug my brain out of the thick layers of anger.

And yes I understand that the consequence should be a natural consequence from what happened, of course! Only that it is not always easy, and sometimes when he doesn't care about it it doesn't help. For instance, for the past year when I attempted to help curb the bedwetting, I read a book which suggested we should ditch the pull up, and let the wetness be the consequence (no judgement please, It was more complicated than just that and I am not going to write an essay to elaborate). It worked for many months, until toward the end he just slept through in his stinking warm pee for the whole night (!) The natural consequence doesn't always work.

In this case, he wanted to make money quickly and easily which was a cause of the lie. That's why I said no payment for the next time he folds his clothes, at least for the coming week. But in a way, I have a feeling he wouldn't care, because honestly in some weeks he flat out forgets to ask for his pay anyway.

@gestalt: RE: "Was the list of consequences created because you were feeling quite emotional?" The pajama day one was emotional, the "no reading harry potter before bedtime" was emotional because I flat out was too angry to enjoy a night of reading, and I don't want to make reading miserable so not a good idea anyway. The no payment for next week is a "natural consequence" which I have a feeling it is not going to have a big impact. "no more joking/pretending" is also a "natural consequence" because we really have to practice on telling the truth completely before having the "just kidding" moments. The "grounded" was really his suggestion - I asked him so now what are we going to do about it. He said "Grounded". I said what does that mean. He said, you know, no ipad, no dessert...etc. I was kind of surprised, because I have never actually "ground" him before. I have taken some privileges away, but not all privileges away for a few days. I agreed to it. In my mind, lying in adulthood can cause someone to end up in jail. I think it is fair to "ground" him for a couple of days. It ended up to be just maybe 2 days as he is having dessert definitely these past few days.

I am now just bringing it up every day hoping to "brainwash" it into him that lying in any form is not OK. We don't lie not because we don't want to get in trouble, but because we want to be a good person, we want to think about other people, we don't want to hurt others (because lying often hurt other people for our own benefit), we want to be good and we want to make good choices. We shall see. I have also checked-out/downloaded the audiobook for NurtureShock from the library that @DesertDreams88: recommended. What am I going to do without the library and you all ?!