I’m a regular poster going anonymous because my DH knows my hellobee username and I’d like this not to be attached.

My older brother has had substance abuse problems in the past (pills and alcohol). He tells me he is clean now, but he’s lied about it in the past and I can never really be sure. I don’t speak to him often and really only see him at my parents house. He has a seasonal type job that is busy in the summer and he files for unemployment through the winter months. For years I have talked to him about finding a steady job with predictable hours and benefits, but he’s never put the effort into finding anything.

Two weeks ago he contacted me with a long list of woes... he did a side job and hasn’t gotten paid, he’s been sick and missing work (which was true, he was in urgent care with my Mom), he borrowed money from our parents and needed to pay them back or they would be short for their monthly bills. I ended up giving him $500 out of my personal account and haven’t told my husband. DH would be very upset to know I gave my brother money and it’s weighing very heavy on me to lie by omission.

My brother called again this weekend and asked me to meet him and help him sign up for unemployment and help him develop a plan. I met with him and tried to get his account set up, discussed how he could best talk to the guy who owes him money from the side job, suggested local businesses where he could apply for a steady job, offered to help with a resume and practice interviews, mapped out that the library is only one mile from his apartment so he can use the internet and computers there... but in the end he asked me for more money. His boss kept part of his check because he owed her money (I don’t know the back story), he has no money for food, he needs to pay more back to my parents, he cried. I felt totally duped and disappointed and lied and said I had no more to give. In reality, I could have given him what he wanted without much skin off my back.

I’m so disappointed and frustrated that he hasn’t made any effort to permanently better his situation. It’s not that he can’t find a real job because of his background, he has never tried. Giving him “loans” is just not a solution in my mind because it does nothing to fix the long term problem and he only freaks out and wants to change when he’s neck deep and needing money.

But realistically, I walked away from him telling me he could not eat for the week and knowing that I could have fixed that for him at the expense of either a major fight or lying further to my DH... and I feel like a shit person... am I?