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@Anagram: We keep our house at 68 too! I mean, it gets cold but I don't think it's ever unbearable. Plus we have a safe space heater when we need it for DD.

@Anagram: Maybe you can look into a programmable thermostat? One that you can set to be at a certain temp for certain hours during the day?

I wouldn't say any of these are red flags, but I would definitely go over these points with her. If she doesn't rise to your expectations after a fair trial period, say 2 weeks, then I would look for another nanny.

I would be annoyed about this stuff too but I think they are things that can be worked out with some very direct communication and probably some reminders like a daily to-do list or something.

It's reassuring to me that the only thing that directly affects the kids is the naps in the stroller which I don't think is a huge deal (though I understand why it bothers you). It sounds like she is a good nanny from the playdough and park visits and so forth. I would rather a nanny that is great with kids and a poor housekeeper than a nanny that keeps the house cleaned up but sits the kids in front of the TV all day.

I kind of wonder if you surprised her coming home early (even though you talked about it) and she had planned to clean at the end of the day? I think if I was a nanny I would feel awkward cleaning someone's house while they were there. But you could just say something like, "hey, I totally get if you don't have a chance to take care of diapers/laundry/bottles during the day, but I would appreciate if you could do them before you leave." Or with laundry maybe ask her if she needs instructions on the machine, or tell her to just put the stuff in the dirty pile.

My kid never napped in the crib, only with me holding her, so I could never ask someone else to try. As long as she was napping somehow, that would be fine personally. As a nanny (or any person) you can't control someone else's sleep. But you can ask her to try.

I think you are totally validated to address every single one of those things. We have a nanny on the exact same schedule, baby on MWF and both girls on T/TH due to preschool. I understand that when both girls are here, things can be hectic and she has less free time, but even then when I come home, I expect the house to be picked up and bottles and such clean. It's okay if she doesn't get to the little things like laundry on T/TH, but on MWF when she just has the baby and the baby naps so much - um yes. I expect her to cover everything we discussed. I think you should go ahead and lay out how you feel about her not meeting the expectations you discussed so that if it doesn't change, you have grounds for letting her go.

I just feel like if someone can't even do the little things that they're being paid for, then what are they skipping out on for the care of my kids that I DON'T know about?

@Anagram: that's great!

About the temp thing, I find it amazing so many people keep their house so warm in the winter!! We do 68 degrees and just wear sweaters or sweatshirts. I mean, it is winter! How does your nanny dress? If she is just wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, I would hint something like "do you want a bring a sweater that you can just leave here? That way you won't forget and end up cold. We really can't afford to keep the heat higher than 68." If she is already wearing a sweater, then maybe offer to turn it up to 70, if she can turn it down when she leaves.

@Anagram: I think there are some issues with expectation-setting in both directions. It is awkward to have a manager-employee relationship, especially if you are not used to being a manager. When I first became a manager at work, I was a little too casual about setting expectations because it made me uncomfortable to order people around. But then I realized that people were not taking me seriously, or I was leaving too much to their own judgement, so I had engineered my own management problem. Now I have learned that it's better for my relationship with my employees if I am as clear as possible up front even if it means having to get over my insecurities (or, as you said, "put on my big girl panties"!). It's better to be a bit strict up front and get good results than to correct things later because you weren't setting expectations well.

1. "she asked if she could take the baby out for walks if the baby is bundled up. I said that's okay, but she does need most of her naps at home because she's just gotten used to sleeping in her crib, and I don't want to mess that up."

A clearer way to state things might be to specify that you always want her morning nap in the crib. Or that you want all naps at home on MWF, but you understand that naps may need to be on the go Tu-Th in order to accommodate your older daughter's schedule. Your nanny is obviously taking interpreting everything you say very liberally, so try to think through a way to communicate things very specifically to minimize room for interpretation.

(Side note: Personally, I would not be bothered by naps on the go unless there was some sort of adverse consequence. So I would not pick this particular battle. But it's your call as the mom, and you should feel comfortable setting expectations accordingly.)

By the way, are you sure that stroller naps increase SIDS risk? I have never heard of that before so am idly curious about it. (Not that I need another source of paranoia in the event that we have a second baby...!)

2. "I told her verbally that the laundry was least important and really only necessary for laundry "emergencies" like spit up or poop or pee everywhere."

I would not have said this, because now she thinks laundry is not a priority. I think you need to adjust this expectation. One way might be to tell her that you're finding it too hard to stay on top of things, so you actually do need her to stay on top of the laundry more proactively. In our town, this is a pretty standard expectation for nannies, so assuming you're paying market rates then I think she should step it up here.

I also think it's reasonable to expect that the house look as good or better than it did when you left in the morning. That is how our nanny operates. It makes my life so much simpler, and she seems to take pride in that part of her job.

A previous poster commented that she may not expect you home so early; this is a good point and maybe you should consider txting her when you hit the road so she knows when to expect you and can plan accordingly.

3. Honestly, I would also be cold at 68, and I am someone who hates hot weather and tends to run warm. We keep our thermostat around 71-72. I like your suggestion of having her turn it up when she's home and down when she's not. This might be a reasonable area for you to compromise since she works five days a week and that is a lot of time to be uncomfortable. You're still within your right to say otherwise, but that would be my personal choice here. (My husband would agree with you, btw, especially with air conditioning, and he complains to me about it all the time, haha!)

4. Next time she is running late, ask her to txt your husband as soon as she realizes it so that she can manage his expectations. Our nanny is almost never late; if she was that would be a dealbreaker because we need someone reliable. I would give this a little more time and make sure there's no pattern, but I wouldn't be too upset about it during the first week.

When you're talking to her, consider the "compliment sandwich". If you write a note to nag her about something, you might also consider thanking her for something she did that day. People really like to feel appreciated.

Have you spent much time with your nanny? Sometimes when I get home early, we take the opportunity to chat about how my son is doing, and I feel pretty connected to her by this point. It's so weird to hire a new nanny because it's such a personal relationship, but ultimately that person will become an integral part of your family so it's worthwhile to invest in the relationship. Ultimately, you both need to trust each other -- you obviously need to trust her with your kids, but she also needs to have trust in your relationship.

I have managed a large team (15-20 people) for the past two years at work, and whenever I have the opportunity to work more closely with one of my employees, it really boosts my relationship with them and makes it easier for me to manage them and stay on the same page.

I'm glad this worked out for the best! If I had seen this thread a few weeks ago, I would have told you to trust your gut and that sometimes it takes a bad nanny or two to find the right fit. We had similar issues with our first (and some issues that made me question her judgment) and I let her go. There were red flags all along the way, but because, like you, she had good references (and I had limited options) I went against my judgment and hired her. And fired her 3 weeks later. And then we found our dream nanny : )

@Anagram: oh man!!! my issues were a little more discreet, but she couldn't get the schedule straight and was constantly texting me bizarre messages or conflicts with dates we had already agree to. She also didn't pay attention to the schedule or things like when the baby needed to be fed bottles (aka not in his high chair during a meal). She also suggested that she take the baby to the park and when it started pouring and thundering she said they would just go to the park and sit in her car. In a thunderstorm with a 9 month old. Huh?? The last straw was calling out sick for an entire week the third week of work. There are some other things that I can't remember right now, but it was all very bizarre.