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@FutureMrsMcK: My IL's won't stay in a hotel since it's too expensive and they would be really offended if we suggested it. They are ultimately fine waiting to come out to meet LO until we are ready, my MIL was just trying to tell me that I was wrong for wanting to spend alone time as a family the first two weeks and that I would definitely need help.
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@Modern Daisy: Ah, I understand! I think that at some point women (especially older women) forget how important the initial family bonding is--I don't think you're in the wrong at all! Ignore her and email pictures!
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@Modern Daisy: just as a note - there won't be too much noise that will disturb a newborn if that worries you. They can seriously sleep throug anything. It's only when they're older that little things wake them
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@Modern Daisy: Aw I see. In that case it doesn't even sound like you have to even worry about sending visitors away. And I definitely wouldn't allow my IL's to stay with us until at least 1 month in. I think you guys will be fine with out any help. Work as a team, and you'll be fine. But don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it when the time comes.
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At first I thought having it be just the three of us in the first days/weeks pp sounded like such a lovely idea. Then I talked to a few people who had had the same idea, but had btdt and discovered it was kind of terrible.
So, we had my mum stay with us for the first 10-ish days and I'm fairly certain it would have been absolute hell without her. She picked up whatever slack there was, whether that meant holding the baby, making dinner, doing laundry or running errands. DH commented that my mother was the glue holding the whole operation together, as he and I were so sleep deprived. I seriously cried and cried the day she left.
My biggest piece of advice to all new moms is to take ALL the help you can get. It will help you be in such a better place emotionally if you have a good support system on which to rely. DD is 10 weeks now and my dad and stepmum still come one day a week as does my mother. They help out around the house and/or keep me company or give me the chance to leave the house without the baby. I'm not sure i could have stayed sane without them.
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Unless your DH is super unhelpful, I think you'll be totally fine. Like others have said, if you're nursing, that's really your main job, and your DH should be taking care of most everything else, but that sounds fine if he's taking two weeks off work (especially if you either prep some meal options in advance or have easy ways of procuring them).
I think the costs/benefits of help really depend on who the help is. I got REALLY easily annoyed with people when LO was small, and there were only a couple people I was willing to tolerate. Luckily, one of them was my mother, but she was also really good at telling DH and I that our job was to take care of the baby, and her job was to take care of everything else, so she did the laundry and the errands and the dog (and held the baby plenty too, but she defaulted towards being very hands off and making herself scarce when possible so that DH and I could really have good bonding time with LO. My MIL passed away a few years ago, so I don't know how I'd have handled her being around, but honestly if I had a small apartment I think I'd have been really evil to anyone who presented the slightest inconvenience to me during those first few weeks. FIL came up for a few days and while he was totally nice and wanted to be helpful, everything he did inadvertently pissed me off and I wished he hadn't come.
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@Modern Daisy: Let people bring you food!! That was the absolute biggest key to our survival in the early days. Our family constantly brought food over for like the first three weeks. We were so sad when the food train ended! It was so nice to not have to think about what to eat/cook, to try to run to the grocery store, etc. Ask them to keep their visit short in the first month, but take food drop offs and other helpful offers (like my sister would grab the trash and take it to the dumpster for us).
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It just really depends on your family . . . it isn't about what your family wants or expects, it's about what you and your DH want. If you don't want them there, stand your ground! Far too many women ignore their instincts to avoid being "difficult" or hurting feelings. It isn't about THEM!
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@cmomma17: That's great advice, but we don't have anyone in our lives who would offer to bring food when they visit. Sure we could ask people, but I am going to just plan on stocking the fridge and freezer during my last couple of weeks to prepare.
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@MsLipGloss: Oh yes, we will definitely stand our ground. When I brought it up to DH afterwards (since he was spacing out and not paying attention at the time) he was super-pissed at the idea of anyone trying to 'force' their way over those first two weeks. So it definitely won't happen, I was just curious to know if I was crazy for wanting private family time in the beginning.
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@Modern Daisy: Could you tell people to bring you food? I had to outright tell my mom. I told her how at my old office it was common practice. New parents don't cook the first two weeks - everyone signs up for a day and takes them food. She had never heard of the idea. I told her it was a good idea and I hoped people would bring us food, and then she cooked me something almost every day for two weeks! I had to tell her to slow down at one point!
I hope you have a good experience no matter what. Just don't be afraid to tell people EXACTLY what you want/need, even your DH. New mommyhood is the perfect time to become more assertive and "selfish" (even though we all know it's not really selfish).
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@Modern Daisy: I don't think it's crazy at all, but my mom sure did! I will spare you all the details, but it caused a huge rift between me and my mom (she has moved past it but her behavior was deplorable, and I still struggle with my feelings for her). I am just AMAZED at the number of people who want to visit new parents and expect to be waited on/entertained . . . nobody *mothers the mother* anymore!
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@cmomma17: If my Mom is doing well, then I might ask her and my Dad to stock our fridge while we're in the hospital. She'll need something to do during the day anyway. And my MIL will definitley take over the grocery shopping and cooking while she stays with us. Other than that honestly I don't think we'll get many visitors since our familes are all long (enough) distance, so it would really come down to asking our friends to bring us food.
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@MsLipGloss: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that about your Mom! My MIL sounds a little like that, but my Mom has no problem being told to back off or to go home. She understands me really well and totally respects my space now that I'm married. And after this weekend (I think you commented on my post about getting over resentment), I've got a really bad taste in my mouth about no one in my life 'mothering the mother' so to speak after the way our friends lazed around and didn't help with anything while DH and I worked our tails off cleaning up after them and providing food. I'm now even more sensitive about visitors after LO arrives than I was before after our experience this weekend. I feel like they will come over, not bring anything and expect to be waited on and entertained. Maybe hold the baby for a minute, then pass him back when they get bored and expect us to put a plate of food in front of them while they watch TV. And it's always been tough for us to get people to leave, we must be awesome hosts because people always overstay their welcome in our apartment lol! the last time we had people over, even though the plan was to leave at 10 to go to a bar since my building has quiet hours, my friends fought it and rallied together to convince the group to just stay. I was kind of mad because I was the host and should have been able to call the shots, but instead I was put in a position where I had to either make things awkward or suck it up and do something I wasn't comfortable with. So yeah, long story short you better believe we will be defending our alone-time with a new baby. If you don't offer to come over with food or to clean something, you aren't allowed through the front door lol!
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Initially we said no one staying with us, and ILs were going to get a hotel room. The idea of having people around panicked me. But then when we got home, we ended up asking them to stay with us and it was wonderful. MIL cooked, cleaned, held the baby so I could take naps etc. The best part was that she ran errands for us. Like I ended up needing a sitz bath, some nursing tanks, some lanolin etc. She was willing to do whatever we needed.
As far as visitors, 1 at a time was fine, if I had warning. More than that and I was overwhelmed and not happy. -
@Modern Daisy: DH did exactly that. Told his friends "don't come visit unless you bring food!" That's his personality though, very loud, outgoing, brutally honest! His best friend's girlfriend brought us a meal that included mac n cheese, shrimp, caesar salad, garlic bread and tiramisu. Amazing. They are now officially Aunt R and Uncle J and are welcome to visit anytime!
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@mrskc: we didn't have a lot of visitors either but I really did look forward to seeing my friends and family every couple of days.
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@Modern Daisy: We did exactly what you're planning to do - DH had two weeks off work and we has no visitors, other than BIL popping over to see the baby quickly a couple of times and we LOVED it!!! We loved having that time together to bond as a family of three and became super confident in our parenting abilities during that time.
My mom came over two weeks later (we live in a different country from our families, with the exception of BIL who is in the same city) and by then, we were happy to have her, but certainly weren't reliant upon her to do things - we knew we could do it all on our own. I think had she (or anyone else) come to stay early, we wouldn't have developed the confidence we did as we would have used them as a crutch to do things without knowing we could manage on our own.
I cannot stress strongly enough how important I think it is that new families take the time to adjust to their new lives before having out of town guests come to stay! It is such a crucial time and I think it really helps one grow confidence in their parenting skills!
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my mom stayed the first week, which was awesome. she helped cook meals and helped me breastfeed and held the baby when i needed a nap. i was so anxious because i didn't know what i was doing, so it was nice to just have her around. she was a life saver, i am so thankful she was there. i am pretty close to her though, and i never thought she was a burden. i tell everyone they should have some help the first week because it can be so incredibly hard. but that's just me.
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I mean, it's hilarious to say you can't do it alone. Babies are not nuclear physics, you can totally do it. If solitude is what you want, stand your ground. That being said, I would have hated it. I loved all the visitors and help and happy people around. People always wanted to rush out to be polite and I told them not to stress. It was lovely to be so surrounded by help and love.
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We had people come visit, and if I could do it again, I would change that. People were just here ALL THE TIME, and it got to be too much. I wish we had set a timer or something- you can be here for an hour, but then you need to let us have some alone time. Also, people were showing up and not DOING things- they wanted to "help" by holding the babies, while I was standing doing dishes 2 days PP. If you do have people come visit, post a list (seriously, this was an incredible list), and title it "Helpful Things Grandparents Can Do". Changed everything in our house, seriously!
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I think you should do what you feel is best for you and your new family of three. We saw a lot of our families and it was both helpful and not. I totally neglected in my preparation for the baby to think of ME post baby! My SIL was a lifesaver and did a Target run for me and bought me nursing tops and bras (something DH would never have known anything about.) my MIL brought us dinner every night which was nice because we never had to cook. My mom came a few days later and stayed a few days which was both good and bad. She did a lot of chores but more so her idea of helping was holding DD when I really just wanted to be alone and focus on nursing. DH went back to work after a week and a half and the help dwindled. But that really was the time I needed the help.
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We had more visitors than I wanted. People came out of the woodwork to see LO all the sudden and I was exhausted. My parents would come by and bring food or whatever and that was ok, and my sister also came and stayed a weekend but I'm close with them so it was ok. If you think people will cause more stress than help and you want it to be just you three then stick to that plan! Next time around I want to hold off on visitors for at least a good week or two. It was overwhelming in the hospital too
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Other than my parents and brother and my IL's, we said no to visitors for the first 3 weeks. I just could not deal with friends or co-workers.
My parents came for a few day visits (like yours they are total home bodies too, but only live an hour and a half away). My IL's stayed with us from day 4-10, which wasn't a problem at all.
We didn't really need help other than cooking and organizing the nursery (we had an overwhelming amount of clothes handed down from my nephews). We wouldn't have been lost without the help either, we just would have eaten more takeout.
Breastfeeding was a little awkward since I was having trouble and my MIL didn't do it, and she couldn't do much there anyway. I spent a lot of time in the bedroom figuring that out, but it was nice for them to hold him while I pumped or took a nap. Nobody overstepped boundaries, but it was nice to be a family of 3 again once everyone left.
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We also live in a small 2 br 900sq ft apt and my mom flew cross country 4 days after LO was born and stayed 4 weeks. My dad came for 2 of those weeks too, and they both stayed with us. It was the BEST thing ever! I also cried when they left:).
They cooked, cleaned, held the baby, ran errands, etc for us. I appreciated their help so so much and so did dh. Although I had strong ideas before giving birth about how I wanted to raise/take care of the baby, I found that ofcourse the real thing is a bit different, so I really appreciated being able to bounce ideas of 'what to do' off my mom:).
We had visitors come see the baby every few days and it was nice! They always either brought some food, or a small gift for LO:). The visits were never long and it was fun to see friends and family and show off the baby:)
This is just our experience!
LO#2 is coming in 2 months and we still live in the same place. My mom is coming for 5 weeks this time and my dad for 3. It's gonna be a full house! But I'll need them esp for taking care of LO#1 who will only be 15 months old then:) I'm sure it will get crowded at times but for me it's worth it for sure:)
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@tysonja: See, I feel like I would be more likely to WANT someone there if I already had lo#1 and I was on lo #2. Because at that point you really just need someone to watch lo#1 while you take care of the baby. But between me and DH (who is totally capable of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) I think we will be fine as a family of 3. Sure my MIL will also be very helpful when she comes out, but I'm definitley letting her stay more for her benefit than for ours. Even if she's totally right with her advice on how to care for a newborn, I definitely won't want to hear it at first. Even though she's the sweetest person I've ever met, I get so irritated when she 'insists' that her opinion is right, like when she was going on a rant about using a CD service.
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@Bao: The thing is, we definitely won't have a lot of visitors to worry about since my family definitely won't come up here to see the baby (other than my parents) and DH's family is too far so we would really only be talking about a couple of our friends. But what I'm being protective of is anyone who wants to stay with us overnight during those first two weeks, which would really just consist of DH's family.
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@meganmp: I had a traumatic experience this past weekend hosting 11 of our friends at my family's shore house. No one showed up with any food and none of them offered to clean a thing. They also did not clean up after themselves at all. So because of that I'm actually thinking that we won't even let friends come over for a good while, maybe not until I go back to work and things are more normal. We also have a really hard time getting people to leave our apartment in general. People always overstay their welcome and we're usually falling asleep on the couch before our friends finally get the hint (or just get tired themselves) and leave. So I just couldn't deal with that with a new baby, our apartment is too small for me to 'disappear' somewhere to give them the hint to leave and I know they won't offer to bring food and the visit will consist of them holding the baby for 5 minutes then getting bored and wanting to be entertained and fed.
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@Modern Daisy: Every mother, baby, and new family is different, but here's my perspective. I had my parents fly out on the day I knew I'd be induced. They stayed for 10 days. It was great and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. My mom cooked & cleaned & made extra meals for the freezer. My dad weeded our yard & took our dog for walks. Yes, my husband can do all those things, but he was exhausted too!
But here's the best thing they did: they let both of us sleep. They took the baby and would wake me up when he needed to eat. After the first two sleepless nights at home, I was losing my sanity & when I finally got some guilt-free rest it was a turning point.
So, for us "new family" time came a few weeks after we got home & my parents left. I think the stress, hormones, and uncertainty would've been too much for us in the first days without support. Maybe say no visitors, but keep an open mind that you may want to call them in sooner than you planned?
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@mewtill: That's a really good perspective and I have thought about it. The thing is though, we don't have a yard or a dog. In fact, we have a very small apartment and when we have even one guest over it seems much smaller, esp since there is only one bathroom. So for us, the benefits might not outweigh the costs of having someone come stay to 'help' us. I think the biggest challenge we will have is being able to sleep since there are only two of us so we'll have to take shifts, but again, the benefits of having an overnight 'helper' most likely won't outweigh the costs of us being crammed into our bedroom and having another person using the bathroom. I think we'll have to do a lot of prep work, like preparing freezer meals and cleaning the house ahead of time and generally having everything we might need readily available, but ultimately it seems like it will be easier for us to not have anyone stayign with us at first.
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I think btwn you and your dh, you'll be fine. I am just rounding up week 3 of my postpartum. my dh only took a week off work so my mom came to help me starting that second week. I think having just one extra set of hands is good enough. once your dh goes back to work though, id recommend you consider having someone else come to help.
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@Modern Daisy: I say ban everyone then. If I could re-do it, I would tell everyone that we had certain visiting hours, and that was it- no visiting otherwise. Ugh, I'm sorry you had to deal with that- no fun at all.
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