Hellobee Boards

@Cherrybee: that sounds incredibly frustrating and I would have zero patience for your DHs antics. I'm really sorry- that isn't fair at all.

Some things are worth having the big fight about. Not a ton of things, but some things. And this is one of them IMO. The biggest thing I noted is how you said he gets really easily frustrated with DD and is all dramatic when she... ya know... acts like a baby (which she is). I've recently had a similar issue with my DH. Our LO is only 6 weeks old but he has SO little patience with her sometimes. He is having a really hard time with the crying and with her being a newborn, generally. And when she is flipping the hell out for no reason and he has her, I've heard him say things like "oh my god SHUT UP" which bothers me an awful incredibly lot because you can't yell at a baby for being a baby. We've now had several talks about this where I basically told him he needs to grow up and realize that she is a child and not doing this to piss him off but just because SHE'S A CHILD and he needs to suck it up and not be so frustrated by it. I've told him if he genuinely is at wit's end and can't react calmly to her then he needs to get me to relieve him because I won't tolerate him being pissy with her. But that also he needs to seriously work on calming down with her irrationality. (And he's trying).

So thats the first thing I'd fight about. The second thing is the sleeping. If he pulls that "well you handle it better than me" bullshit I'd be like--- yea because i HAVE TO because you refuse to help! How is it fair that he gets to sleep and you don't? Oh right, it ISN'T.

Have the fight. Seriously.

(ETA: As I'm typing this I'm downstairs pumping bc LO woke up hungry at 4:30 but then wigged the hell out and refused to nurse and had a complete meltdown, so DH has her and I'm pumping. And he's upstairs singing to her nicely. So I do think that this is a fixable issue!)

@Cherrybee: that sounds so frustrating and difficult. It sounds like he is being incredibly unfair to you. I tend to agree with @Mae: that this is an issue that's worth fighting over. You can't go on like this, for your own health and sanity, but also for your marriage. Ad he wants to try for another one soon? I just feel like something has to give or the resentment will grow and grow.

And I'm sorry you are having such a rough time wth the teeth. C too, though it sounds like not quite as bad. We got home late, she went to bed late, and woke up an hour early. I can see she's still tired it won't go back to sleep so mommy of the year is laying on the couch letting her play while I rest / hellobee.

I'm sorry, that sounds frustrating. I kind of understand you doing all the night stuff when you were on mat leave and with his health issues BUT, what I think is out off order, is that he didn't step up when you had PPD. He really should have gone over and above there, like you did for him. And now, honestly, there is no excuse. It sounds like a difficult subject to broach with him because you're both resentful (and tired!!!) about it, but it know you guys are thinking of #2 (yay!) so I would try talk about that with him. As in, how would he handle a second baby's wakings? Will it all fall on you again? Is he actually capable of changing? Maybe not. Because E will still wake up sometimes, then there will be double the pressure and he can't just swear and fall into the crib every time! Good luck, I hope you get some rest soon!

Wow. He's being an ass.
You stepped up and did all the care when he was sick and needed you, and he can't return the favor?

Being harsh with a baby is ridiculous. She's a baby!

I'm with Mae, you need to have this one out.

I really don't think "there's no point in talking about it" is a good way to address issues in a marriage. Being resentful and letting it boil up isn't going to do anyone any good. Your husband is being incredibly selfish. If he refuses to see that I would come up with some sort of tracking system so he can plainly see how much more work you are doing. I know that sounds petty but you've got to come up with some way to impress upon him that things have got to be more even. I have always found it very concerning that he didn't step up to the plate when you were suffering from PPD. I would definitely suggest working these issues out completely before adding another child to the picture.

I want to shove him out of bed and tell him to get up and help you like a grown up.

But, I think it'll be a better idea if you talk to him.

I'm a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. You've set up the expectation that if/when he throws a tantrum you will come to his rescue.

I would definitely address this with him, but not when you are angry, anger will lead to hurtful statements that you might not sincerely mean. Maybe putting your feelings down on paper would help you sort them out.

One big point that I would make with him is that he IS capable, and if you werent there he would make it work.

@Mae: I totally agree with everything you say, I live by the moto of "pick your battles" so DH and I don't often argue or fall out, I let the little things slide. This I think is worth the fight, you sound like you need space. If I were you I honestly would tell DH exactly how I feel, pack up LO and go stay in a hotel or with friends/family for a night or two.
You sound exhausted and need a break.

UGH. I'm so sorry. My DH is also a total drama queen about sleep. One day when you are both calm I would try to talk to him about it, thank him for when he does get up w/her but tell him you need more HELP without just putting the paci in her mouth and cursing at her... Hopefully if you can do it in a way where he doesn't get defensive it will sink in.

I agree with @wonderstruck: that talking it out with a mediator/counselor would help. I don't think your DH gets the severity of what you're feeling and how it effects both you and E. The situation isn't sustainable and you need to have a serious conversation that can't be interrupted by the baby.

This makes me think of a comment my OB made to me while pregnant with my first. At one of the very few appointments that my DH wasn't at, she really counseled me on our relationship and parenting plans. I told her that I was really concerned about us sharing responsibility, particularly in the middle of the night. I told her I thought DH was up to it, but that was my one area of concern. Her words still haunt me!

She told me that we (her and I) had similar controlling personalities and that I was unlikely to allow my DH to handle things. I would need to learn to let go and let my DH do things. I would need to learn/accept that his way of doing things was different than mine but as long as LO was safe, it didn't matter.

I'm not saying this 100% applies in your case, but I think it's worth taking a step back and seeing if this applies.

In the first year, I did most of the care for LO. I didn't ask for help. I resented DH. But then I realized that some of my resentment wasn't justified in that I created my own misery. Almost 3 years later, we are much more equal. And with a second on the way, I fully expect to bear most of the care for the baby. But this time I expect him to care more for our older LO. Newborn/baby bonding was tough for my DH.