I'm still obsessing with my DH about having a second child, so I'm wondering how being an only child affected your (or your SO's) decision about how many kids to have. Or maybe being an only child had nothing to do with it? Thanks for your thoughts!
I'm still obsessing with my DH about having a second child, so I'm wondering how being an only child affected your (or your SO's) decision about how many kids to have. Or maybe being an only child had nothing to do with it? Thanks for your thoughts!
kiwi / 656 posts
Dh and his brother are 1 year apart. 13 months.
My brother and I are 6.5 years apart, although I wasn't an only child, the age gap was so huge that we were both given undivided attention.
We have a 9 month old, dh would like to start ttc anytime soon, certainly eventually. I'm happy with just one!
grapefruit / 4400 posts
I'm an only child, and my husband has one older brother. We have 2 kids (and we're done).
nectarine / 2028 posts
My husband is an only child and if I decided I was okay with 1 he'd probably be very happy. It's strange-almost every other only child I've spoken to has talked about longing for a sibling, but my husband never has. I think he liked being in the spotlight at all times . That being said, I've wanted two all my life and he known that for 11 years so......we'll be having two!
persimmon / 1281 posts
My DH is an only and I have an older sister by 3 years that I am not close with at all & never have been. DH would prefer to have two but is ok with one and is leaving the decision up to me. He didn't mind being an only and I have a couple friends who also didn't mind being only's. The decision to have more then one will be based more on the financial aspect rather then giving our son a sibling.
grapefruit / 4085 posts
I'm an only child and we're expecting our second (and last). I ultimately wanted M to have a sibling and for us to have 2. My husband is the youngest of 3.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
Dh is an only and has always wanted a big family. I have one younger brother who I'm very close to and always wished we had another sibling! Weve always been a two maybe three family.
We just had our second a few days ago, were shelving the talk about maybe #3 until six months to a year later when we're out of the newborn high and have settled into our life as a fam of four!
eggplant / 11824 posts
DH is an only and only wants 1. I have a brother and feel zerooooo need to "give" my LO a sibling and am happy with 1. So, 1 it is!
clementine / 995 posts
I am an only child, and we plan on having at least 2 children. I want my kids to have a sibling because I have always wished that I had one (my parents struggled with infertility). DH is 1 of 3, and he also wants 2 children. He is the middle child so he doesn't like the idea of having 3.
We will see how we feel after we have our first because I know our plans may change. I can definitely see the benefits of having just 1 child.
pear / 1788 posts
DH is 4 years younger than his brother and they are close. I am an only child, and I lost both parents when I was 25. It was hell, and I had nobody who understood what I was going through, Nobody to help me sort through the house, Nobody to help me make decisions, Nobody to help with estate stuff, nothing. We plan to have 2 kids total, because I will never put DD through what I had to go through!
pomelo / 5607 posts
I'm an only by my mom. My half siblings are 14+ years younger than me, and I never lived with them, so I consider myself an only child. I always assumed I wanted more than one because of that, but recently I realized that I really don't (for a lot of reasons unrelated to how many siblings I had). I wanted a sibling growing up, but I was actually very happy as an only. Having my siblings definitely damaged my relationship with my dad and stepmom.
DH has a twin sister and two younger brothers, and had two stepbrothers for a lot of his childhood, and he feels very strongly about not having a bunch of kids. Two would be his absolute max, and he's thrilled that I decided I only want one.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
My brother passed away 7 years ago, so I've been an only as an adult, and it's certainly impacted our family planning. I'm sure it would have had an impact had he NOT passed, but I can't tell you what that impact would have meant for us. I feel strongly about having 3, though.
cantaloupe / 6791 posts
DH is an only child. He said he didn't mind it growing up and it worked well for his personality type. However, as an adult, he wishes he had a sibling. A lot of it deals with the same things that @Mrs. Microscope: mentioned. He knows that it's going to seriously affect him when his parents pass away because he's very close to them. He won't have anyone to share that with (I'm the closest he'll have since we've been together since high school and they're truly another set of parents for me). For that reason, he feels strongly about having more than one.
I have one younger sister and we are super close, so I think watching that relationship also made him want to give our children siblings.
pomelo / 5789 posts
I'm an only and I only ever wanted one.
Having a boy changed that and I wanted to try for a second so that I have a chance for a girl.
Recently my dad has become sick and I've suddenly wished that I had a sibling to help.
This has made me Certain I want two.
pear / 1809 posts
I'm an only child, and while I don't have any problems with being an only, I feel like there are benefits of having a sibling, assuming you get along with them.
DH has two brothers, and they are always texting and communicating with each other. DH considers them his best friends, and they have a lot of fun when they are together. It seems like with a sibling, you have a friend for life, and you have someone you can count on to be there for you. I don't have any friends that I have been super close to my entire life. Instead, I have friends I am close to, and then they move away or we grow apart, so every few years it seems like I'm in a different social circle. It would be nice to have someone who is constantly in my life and who is close to my age (unlike a parent or aunt/uncle).
With that being said, we have decided we want two children. I have a son and will have another son very soon! I'm excited for the relationship they will have.
kiwi / 557 posts
I am an only and DH has one sibling. DH is pretty serious about being two and through now while I would prefer to consider a third in the future. I got a ton of attention being an only child so I don't think negatively about it.
persimmon / 1495 posts
Thanks everyone for all your responses! It's interesting how there are quite a few onlies who also prefer to just have one kid. It's given me a lot to think about. It does seem like most only children end up wanting to have more than one kid though. I wonder about a spin-off thread - if you grew up with many siblings, like more than 4, how would that impact your plans for kids.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Chuckles: my husband is the oldest of 4 and it absolutely influenced his decision to not want the same for his children. I also know an only child that is a father of 5.
I do think it is personality more than anything.
persimmon / 1495 posts
@looch: There's definitely something to be said for there being a match between personality and family size. My DH has two siblings but he's not really close with them. And he likes quiet and order so much that I think it's true that he might have been happier as an only child growing up.
kiwi / 641 posts
I am an only (DH has 1 younger brother that he gets along with well but is not what I would call "close" to) and we are expecting our second in August. I was pretty adamant about wanting two-- I always wanted a sibling growing up and as my parents have gotten older (and each had health problems the last several years) that wish has come back for the reasons many others raised. I think DH would have been ok with 1 but I really wanted another. I think we will be two and through though.
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
@Chuckles: I can't speak to being an only, but I am the 3rd of 5 kids in my family and I loved being in a big family. But we are only planning to have two kids. While I really appreciate having so many siblings and, as you said, friends for life, I can't imagine raising so many nor the financial impact. So 2 is it for us- our kids will have a sibling but not four of them.
I do feel like anecdotally, the only children I know do seem to be more likely to only want one child of their own.
persimmon / 1495 posts
@looch: I should have added that I'm trying to be sensitive to his personality. I told him that if he doesn't want another kid because he feels like it will be too chaotic, I would understand. But he said that that wasn't it. He's mostly been talking about how stressful newborns are and how he didn't like being the middle child of 3.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Chuckles: My son is an only (I am the oldest of 3, husband is the oldest of 4).
We are both very orderly and I will tell you that I can not handle chaos at all. Like if you drop me into my son's preschool class, I seriously start to sweat and get all nervous. I love my son, but parenting him has not been an easy road at all and I want to be the best person I can be for everyone in my family. I think part of the scenario for us is that my son was born when I was 35. I just don' have the patience I did had we begun 10 years before.
My husband had a lot of responsibility for his siblings. He grew up abroad and they go home for lunch. He was in charge of getting the kids lunch, for example, at home. He is also 12 years older than the youngest and he basically raised her. She adores him and it is wonderful to see them together now as adults, but my husband specifically didn't want our child to have to do all that he did. He loves his family, but he felt it was a large burden to be placed on a child.
And one last thing, I asked my son if he wanted a brother or sister and he said no, he liked our family how it is, he's 4.5 years old. So they know, lol.
pomelo / 5678 posts
I think you can be one of ten or one of one and be happy or unhappy. I think the way your parents treat you has the largest effect on your life.
I like having one, but I'd be happy with any number. Whether DH and I had siblings or not doesn't play into it. We have had very difficult lives and he is completely estranged from his siblings, his parents are truly terrible. I am mostly estranged from my siblings and last living parent. I think at any number, quality over quantity!
pomelo / 5660 posts
I am the only child of my dad, I have half brother 10 years older. I really enjoyed the relationship with my parents and I have a much closer relationship with my parents than DH (he was one of 3). He is not close to his brothers so I don't buy into having a sibling means you are giving your child a friend. I know tons of siblings that are not close or estranged.
grapefruit / 4663 posts
My husband is a only and thought that our son should be an only. I'm the oldest of 4 and wanted 2 kids. We have two kids now and are done.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
I am the oldest of 3 and my DH has an older half brother who is 10 years older (so he essentially grew up as an only child). DH would love to have like 5 kids....we are expecting #2 any day now and 3 is my max!!!
persimmon / 1495 posts
@banddmommy: and @greentea: I completely agree with you about all of that. There's always a chance that siblings won't be close at all. And its not the only reason I'd like a second child. I guess I feel like if we only have one then there's no possibility for a good sibling relationship.
And that's why I wondered what people from bigger families would say. Because we only know our own experience. So only children might think they would be better off with sibs, but many people from larger families might wish they had fewer.
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I am an only, my dh is one out of 3. I'm pregnant with our 3rd. I'd have more truthfully if I were richer and younger but 3 is it most likely
nectarine / 2973 posts
I am an only child and my husband just has a twin brother. We both have small extended families and only 1 living parent between the both of us. We both want at least 3 kids. I want 4. I always thought that having a bigger family just seems like more fun. I never really longed for a sibling growing up but I wish that I had some as an adult.
clementine / 756 posts
I consider myself an only because I'm my mother's only child and she was my primary caregiver throughout my childhood. I do have a half brother through my dad who is 8 years younger, and two step siblings through my dad that I got as an adult. While I get along with all my siblings, I'm not really close to any of them.
My husband has an identical twin who he's very close to and an older brother that he's closeish to.
I'm currently pregnant and 95% sure I'm done after this one. I think there were lots of benefits of being an only, both for myself and for my mother. There were occasionally times, as a small kid, that I wanted a sibling, but I also wanted a pony and I managed to survive without either (given the choice, I probably would have chosen the pony).
I also find it interesting that some people worry about dealing with the death of a parent as an only child. My mother got uterine cancer when I was 25 and I moved home and cared for her until her death, and then I handled her estate. Personally, I think it was so much simpler and easier because I was an only. We had a good support system of family and friends that helped out while she was sick. And the estate was easier to deal with because there was only one heir (me). I'm currently the executrix of my paternal grandmother's estate because I've already been through the process and she thinks I'll handle it better than my dad or uncle and, I have to say, it's more of a pain in the ass, because we have to talk about how to divide things and be fair and all of that stuff. Estates can get tricky when you've got multiple siblings - my husband's mother and her sisters still don't speak to their oldest sister because of arguments they had over the estate when their mother died.
My husband would probably be happy to have another, but we agreed on one before marriage, and he's okay with that. If things change and I decide I want another, I'm sure he'd be on board, but I just don't see that happening. But crazier things have happened, so we'll just see. I'm going to get a Mirena or Skyla after this baby is born so we have a few years to be really sure we're one and done before he gets snipped.
pomelo / 5660 posts
A lot of people are mentioning death of a parent and I've actually seen it get nasty with lots of siblings and dividing up the parents estate. People are crazy when money is involved.
pomelo / 5660 posts
@Chuckles: honestly I was never sad I didn't have a sibling. I have an amazing relationship with my parents that would have never been possible with lots of siblings.
clementine / 878 posts
DH is an only kid and was pretty insistent he wanted us to have at least two. He said he was so lonely growing up. We are now expecting our second! One of my best friends is an only child and was always complaining about how lonely it was, but it was just him and his mom. My friend insists he wants more than 1 but after how hard the first kid was, #2 has yet to make an appearance, hehe. Remains to be seen whether they end up having #2.
eggplant / 11824 posts
@Chuckles: I think when you have only 1 there is still the chance for them to have a close sibling-like relationship in their lives. My husband has been best friends with his best friend for 30 years. They talk nearly every day, and if she and her family lived closer, we would be doing things together all the time. They have a closer relationship than many siblings – certainly closer than me and my brother. He also is still close friends with a guy he went to second grade with – they talk weekly. So, they don’t have a sibling blood relationship, but it’s definity a sibling-like relationship.
I think you should do whatever feels right for your family, but just wanted to throw that out there.
persimmon / 1495 posts
@yoursilverlining: that's a good point too. I have several friends friends who I've been close to for almost 30 years now. And we have talked about the importance of bringing friends on trips with us and things like that. The only thing is that we both have small families and there's almost no chance for him to be close to cousins. I hear from some only children that they had great close relationships with extended family.
Wanting a second kid has only a little to do with all this though. Mostly I just really want one
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
@JenGirl: interesting you mentioned death of a parent. I can totally see your point with it being easier with one heir but in my case it wasn't that simple and on top of that I dealt with a lot of emotional upheaval I felt losing my father even though we weren't that close and he lived in another country on the time of his death. I felt very aline in the world truthfully when he passed though my mother lives less than 5 minutes away. In all honesty I felt like an orphan momentarily, the isolation and liss without someone else to share it with. Also knowing, as always, once my mom was gone there would be no link to my childhood anymore, that no one else in the world would share those memories with as well as know what it was like to be my parents child. My father's death is what catapulted me back into wanting a larger family again after such a rough time with my son's first year. I do think his death made me see once again all the reasons I hated being an only growing up
grapefruit / 4862 posts
We always knew we wanted more than one (I'm the oldest of 3, very close sisters, DH is the oldest of 5, and is not at all close to his siblings, but he blames that on his family/childhood and has mentioned admiring the closeness of some of his friends and their siblings.)
One of my best friends is an only child and her parents were somewhat older. Her mother has a debilitating illness and recently her father went through many health issues. She later found out he had not been truthful with her about a diagnosis and had cancer. She kept having to leave work to take care of him- he had his work calls sent to her- she had to handle the sale of their house- and throughout all of it she had no one to lean on. It was so hard to watch from out of state and not be able to help. A few of us in our "group" have children and she told all of us we had to have at least 2 kids. We had already planned to but if we hadn't, that might have hit me hard. It was so difficult to watch her struggle.
However I do think that things like cousins make a difference! If my parents hadn't had more kids, I have so many cousins I would have had a much different experience.
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