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I do this and I'm not sure it even works. Usually ends up punishing me more. Curious to hear alternatives.

Same question, I suppose. I don't think I use threats, but I do give warnings: "If you poke your sister with your toy wrench again I will take it away." Then if he does, I do.

@MrsSRS: @mrbee: isn't that kind of natural consequences? I guess I consider threats to be more like "if you don't do x, you can't have ice cream / go to the park etc".

Personally I think threats are an important method (assuming you follow through with them). Kids need to learn that there are consequences for action and choices and that they have the ability to control those consequences by making good choices.

How do you differentiate threats va. Consequences? I feel like I use consequences a lot, but threats seem to me more...extreme?

Why are bribes a better choice than threats? I agree with PPs, threats can be very effective if you actually follow through, in which case it becomes more about consequences.

I just had another thought, something I'm try to remind myself is that it's my job as a parent to guide my daughter and help her to learn appropriate behaviour. We've had a couple of major meltdowns lately because I've been expecting a three year old to regulate her emotions and behaviour but I haven't been helping or showing how to do that.

@Kemma: if you are using preschool friendly language and are consistent then yes.

@Synchronicity: The important thing in that situation is if you offer the consequence you have to follow through the first time and be consistent every single time.

I would recommend reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. He explains the drawbacks to traditional punitive parenting methods (and bribes), and offers some healthy alternatives. One thing I've read is to invite cooperation. So saying, "I can't let you do that because [reason], what do you think you could do instead?" Like, "I can't let you throw your truck, because you might hurt someone or break something," and they might suggest throwing something soft or going outside to throw a ball. It won't likely work in the heat of the moment, but if you discuss it once things have calmed down, then next time it is an issue you can remind them of their ideas.

@Torchwood: I studied him but didn't read his entire original work...but that stuff just does not work on my lo.

To answer the question I do give warnings and then a consequence. I am actively working on following through every time. It is hard with a very stubborn three year old, but it does usually get to the point where I just have to say "remember when.." or issue a warning and that's it.

I have found that choice actually cause a lot of problems for my son. I was letting him have choices for things I thought were unimportant in the grand scheme to give him some control, but they turned into a "thing" and I had to back off on that tactic.

I am largely at a loss myself, because we can take away all the things in the world and we can make my son sit on the naughty step or in his room and in the end, he'll still do the initial behaviour even after he has experienced the consequence.

I don't do threats. I am trying to think of how to explain what I do... I try to use logic, let her know for instance, you can't hit someone in the face, no one wants to be hit in the face. If it is her not listening it is usually because she is tired and sometimes looking for attention, I tend to take the approach of choices- if you don't listen you have to take a time out, so please listen now so that you don't have to deal with that. Things go pretty smoothly unless she is tired. I also try to check my own crankiness, try not to let myself get too mad. Let her know when I am cranky and need space, and recognize when she isn't at her best either. I try to focus on how healthy relationships work and treat her how I want to be treated. It takes a buttload of patience and obviously I am not perfect.

In general I try not to be too hard on her, give her chances and choices, and use natural logic- you need to brush your teeth just like I do because that is how you take care of you (two hands production song!) or you don't want to stand on the couch because you don't want to go bonk like a monkey. (Referencing the 5 little monkey song.) I think a big part of it is finding out what works for that kid and how they like to be treated, just like with every relationship- or maybe I should say- how you need to treat them to get a desirable outcome. Like I said, not perfect and sometimes I yell, but even with that, we talk about how she should listen when I am using my nice voices so I don't have to yell.

@lawbee11: What is the love and logic method? I'm curious

@lawbee11: @.twist.: the website has lots of short articles to give you an idea about what Love and Logic is and the philosophy behind it. There is also a weekly email that you can sign up for.

I like Love and Logic too!

I'm really big on connecting. Kids love their parents and especially small kids generally really want to do what they are asked. So if my daughter is refusing I get her attention and ask her what's going on. A lot of the time she will tell me and just the act of verbalizing it takes a lot of wind out of her sails.

I rarely need to force her to do anything because our schedule is pretty flexible. So if it takes me 20 minutes before she agrees to put on her shoes that's fine because no one is waiting for us. Very rarely I have to physically do something because there is a safety issue and time constraint.

If a kid is frequently not doing as asked I would wonder if something was wrong for them - they were feeling sad or upset and try to find out by spending time together and connecting.

I do think it's often important to make statements instead of questions. If something has to be done don't ask the child because then they think a "no" is an option :).

My daughter is 2 though so it's a bit different. I haven't been tempted to use threats yet, just too early. But I'm also overall indulgent - if there are no natural consequences (we are running out of time and won't be able to do X) I'm inclined to let her do whatever.

I will often make "deals" with her. Okay "one more time X and then all done and we go Y" or "one time X and then all done and no crying" "deal?" I ask "deal" she says. Sometimes she starts crying a little and I remind her we had a deal and she agreed no crying and "hey you can't go back on your deal!" in a fun voice and she starts giggling a bit and we are good again.

She loves it when I explain things. As long as I explain why we have to go do something and there is at least part of it she understands she is okay with it.

So for example with screen time or something like that in an older child I would try "we can't watch too much screen time at once because it hurts your eyes and brain and then you won't be able to have fun blah blah and we have to have time for blah blah and you don't want your eyes to fall out?! Right?! haha! so lets go together and get a yummy snack and then we'll do blah blah blah"

I don't think it's bribing necessarily or at least not always though occasionally I do use bribery. I think it's redirecting and offering other good choices. It doesn't have to be something "forbidden." My daughter loves it when we water the plants together. I think it's a good skill to learn to think "well if I can't do X thing I want maybe I can go do awesome Y thing and then do what needs to be done." Something like that.

I remember from being a child that threats made me feel like there was a power struggle and "no surrender!"

Oh and also empathy! Sometimes when she is genuinely upset about something I give her a minute or two to cry and just empathize about how upset she is before offering a distraction something new to focus on.

Sorry if this all does't apply to 4 year olds but I would think there is some cross over.

@NorCalWayfarer: It's pretty much a logical extension of RIE. I've even seen Alfie Kohn endorsed in RIE books.