Ok bees, who wants to tell me a happy story about marriage counseling? We are a hot mess over here and that is our next step and I need some success stories to bolster my bruised heart.
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Interested in these responses....
Also, hugs-- hang in there.
We haven't been to counseling but a lot got better for us when I started to realize that men value being respected above other things, and I was amazed at how many times in little things I said or did he wasn't feeling respected. -
we were in a bad place. Couples counseling helped tremendously and IMO helped save our marriage. Full disclosure, my master's degree is in couples therapy but I definitely don't think it's for everyone. Therapy won't necessarily help someone who's 100% decided and done. It also can feel like things are getting worse before they get better (uncovering wounds and all that) but it's important to get it all on the table to move forward.
I've been on both sides of the equation (therapist and client) so please let me know if you have any questions at all! Hugs.
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We are a bit of a different story. We went to counseling early in our relationship (while engaged) to try and work out some kinks before they became problems... goal was to build a really solid foundation before shit got real.
It was invaluable. We have a common dialogue and understand each other's shit (everyone has it) in a really deep and meaningful way. Yes kids has been really hard on us and we still have really bad weeks here and there, but counseling was nothing but positive for us.
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Same as @JoJoGirl: we went when we were engaged. Honestly it made a world of difference just in helping us learn how to communicate with one another. It's over 5 years since we last went but I still use some of the take aways that we learned.
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I wanted to add a little caveat about marriage counseling... it can take a couple of tries before you find a therapist that is a good fit for you and your DH. We were having a ton of unhealthy conflict last year and decided to see someone. She was not a good fit for my DH and, while a few small things got better, some things got worse because he felt like she was "on my side" and we just stopped going. We're actually about to try again this week with a new therapist. This person was a referral from a friend, so I'm hoping it will go better.
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Thanks everyone.
I think we're good candidates, @sorrycharlie, because we're not done. But we're unhappy and feeling defeated and tired of being unhappy. We've been working really hard on this for a long time and it's time for some help! @Chuckles: that is my worst fear that after all the challenge of finding help and figuring out how to pay for it and scheduling a sitter and working it into DH'S 13 hour days/six days a week schedule, etc that we will have a bad fit.
Ugh. I'm tired, ladies. The seven year slump sucks. I just want a happy spouse back. -
Marriage counseling definitely saved my marriage! After the first session, i already felt that there was a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Always try to read reviews/bios of the therapist to see if their personality would click with yours/husband's, and maybe try asking around as well? Good luck, marriage is hard work... we can use all the help we can get.
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We went to couples counseling for a few months last year, and each of us has continued going separately since. It took us from a bad place to a better place. But it's slow work, no overnight miracles, and both have to want to work on it. I'd recommend it to anyone. At the very least, it helps you feel less alone, because your therapist will have seen it all and the perspective made me feel so comforted. Hugs!
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@mrssrs: I hope I didn't scare you off! Sorry, since I know you asked for positive stories. Even though it didn't go really great, I did learn some things about myself and a few smaller things improved. I just wished that we had tried out another person sooner.
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@MrsSRS: man, what is it with year seven? Year 10 has also been hard for us (also known as the years we had infants).
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We went to marriage counseling about 3 years ago now. We were sweeping a lot of things underneath the carpet for a while before we were at a point where we needed to go to marriage counseling. We weren't communicating and the affects of infertility were starting to make these that much more worse. We put TTC on hold and saw a marriage counselor. We actually needed our own individual therapists, too, since we both had to work on things personally. About 3 months later, things got much better that we started TTC.
Things aren't perfect but definitely better than it was.
There's a book called 'The Love Dare'. Its a bit religious but we ignored all the references to the bible and followed the daily activities. It was suggested by our therapist. It got us to remember why we fell in love and got married. I have the book so if we have issues again, we can open up that book.
I do believe in talk therapy and both of us agreed to see a therapist. We both had to make sure we both liked the therapist. It doesn't really work if one person doesn't like that therapist and then it feels like two people against one.
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@OhCaptain: Yes! We met at the end 2008 so this is also year 7 for us. Wonder if that's adding to it
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Hahaha also year 7 here! We haven't done counseling, but was following because its crossed my mind.
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We've gone a few times but my husband isn't that motivated and has come up with some excuses to bail. He didn't really like our therapist - i think he was a bit low energy myself - but I think he didn't understand initially that therapy is work - that YOU do the work - that the therapist doesn't just wave a magic wand and fix everything. I am pursuing therapy on my own and am hopeful that he will join me in the future.
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Bump. Any updates? We tried a second therapist for a few months and it went a little better, but we're still doing only ok. I'm seeing a therapist now on my own to get some support and perspective before trying again with DH.
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We've been going to counseling since August and I definitely think it has helped! We were lucky in that the first counselor we met was a pretty good fit for us. We've actually dropped to just going once a month now instead of more often because we feel like we're in a much better place and don't need as much guidance as we did in the beginning.
I think one of the best parts of counseling was that it really forced us to focus on our relationship, instead of just focusing on work and kids like we had been doing. Just having that hour each week to talk about US was huge. And then we started doing it more at home, which has really been amazing for us.
@Chuckles: Good luck.
I hope you find someone that works for you both soon.
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Any recommendations for how to find a therapist? I always think I would like to go, but I'm not sure where to start.
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We did marriage counseling after a particularly bad incident after the birth of our first born. It helped us out a lot. We do need a new one to help with relationship tune ups. I started seeing my own therapist to work on some issues I've been having in general. Our hard years have been new baby, loss of job, sick kid, and everyday strain. We're heading into year 8 right now. 6-7 were hard as well as year 3 when we had a newborn and a MIL from hell.
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@RonjaL7: I was going to ask the same question! I did a search on my health insurance site but not many options came up. I know everyone's insurance is different but also wondering if this is something people pay out of pocket for or what.
I'm hoping my husband will be on board and we can logistically figure out doing some counseling before we have another baby. I just want to shore up our communication skills.
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@RonjaL7 We found a counselor just through proximity to my work office and hearing through others that she was good for what we were looking for. Sorry that's not much of a help with how to find one. (We were looking for counseling on parenting our son who was having some challenges)
@petitenoisette: To speak to the insurance thing, our counselor did not handle insurance claims on her own. She would have given us a certain paper or something if we wanted to self-submit but the reason she did not submit automatically herself was because than our insurance company would have record of us at counseling and more details of that. She allows her clients to self submit if they are okay with releasing that information to insurance. We just paid out of pocket.
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@RonjaL7: @petitenoisette: I basically did a search for couples counseling in my area.
This website was useful for seeing my options: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com
Most of them listed on their websites which insurances they take, so I only called ones that included my insurance. Then it was just a matter of calling and finding someone who was available and making an appointment.
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@RonjaL7: call your insurance company. Talk to a real person on the phone and get 4-5 numbers.
The moment I heard my therapists voice I just knew. I've been seeing her for almost 3 years. For my own stuff but indirectly I know it helps my marriage too.
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Another way you can search is via Gottman Institute, might give you some additional options.
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Thanks, everyone! It's good to hear positive stories. We're on almost 6 years of marriage and 10 together, so I guess it makes sense that we've been having a rough patch, though we have some specific issues that could have come up at any time.
@Adira: Thanks! I've only seen this new therapist twice, but so far I think she'll be a good fit. We'll see once my DH is actually there, too.
@Ronjal7: I also looked on the psychology today website. I searched therapists in my area and read their bios to see who I thought would be a good fit before calling. I found a few people whose bios I really like but who didn't have matching availability. For those people, I asked if they had any references for other therapists. -
We are currently in marriage counseling right now (I just submitted a blog post about this...) and I think it is helping, although I believe that it will take us a bit before we are back to a good balance. I am also in individual counseling and that helps me to sort through the things that are really bothering me so when we are at the marriage counseling I have an easier time explaining what my concerns are. My DH is probably just going with me because I am asking him to, but it is really important to me to make sure that our marriage stays strong and I think that this is helping.
The one thing that I have found that is sooo helpful to me is that this has become a safe space where I can say all the things that I normally keep bottled up. It feels like the only place that I can say the things that I need to say, without worrying about if it will hurt anyone's feelings. I also think that devoting this time just to each other has really helped because normally our lives are so busy and so focused on family and kids that we rarely have the time to discuss the issues within our marriage.
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Unfortunately I don't have a positive story for marital counseling (we had a crappy therapist and my husband is a very linear person who has a hard time with emotional concepts), but what has helped tremendously is me going to therapy on my own and working with a good therapist. It has really helped me change my temperament, and make things between hubby and I less explosive. We're in a much better place just because of that. If I could get him to therapy for his own issues, that would help a lot, but that's a harder rock to move. Good luck!
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@Mrs. Carrot: If you don't mind sharing, I'm curious about how you work on marriage stuff on your own in therapy. At our second session, my therapist asked me to do an activity at home with DH. And I was like, "ugh. I'm really not ready to talk with him about this. That's why I'm here on my own. " Do you ever have things you are supposed to take home or is it more about processing and managing your own reactions?
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@Chuckles: I don't mind at all! I've become a pretty big proponent of counseling for oneself
When hubby and I went to counseling together, there was plenty for us to engage around how we behaved toward each other. For example, I'm very quick to react, often negatively, and he's very conflict avoidant. It made me realize that my reactions are a big part of what's been causing trouble between us, and I could work on that on my own. I think managing your own perspective and reactions is a big part of that. I've been at it about a year and a half now, and I'm much more positive, mindful and calm when I encounter something that frustrates me with him, which makes him respond much more positively in return.
I think if you're running into things that you aren't ready to take to your DH, talk to your therapist about that. For example, there is an issue with my hubby that we've been dealing with for a few years that's really his to fix, but it's something that affects me in a big way. My therapist has encouraged me to push him on getting help for himself, but I've been able to talk to her about why I don't feel comfortable doing that (his previous reactions to similar feedback, long family/social issues that cause the problem, etc.). As a result, we've been able to work on how I process my own feelings, knowing that the situation with him on that front may not change. I do hope that my hubby will get to a point where he's open enough to try therapy for himself (he's totally OK with therapy, but he struggles a lot with big picture/emotional things and self insight, so he really needs to do his own therapy before we can try marital again), but doing it on my own has definitely helped a ton.
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@Mrs. Carrot: thanks for sharing! Sounds like we have a somewhat similar circumstance. My DH is a total avoider of any emotional/difficult conversations. I would really love him to see a therapist on his own before we try couples counseling again. I just don't think it would be any different at this point. My therapist did tell me that if we didn't end up trying her activity that she and I can talk about why that is next week, so at least we'll have a lot to talk about
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