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We never really had a discussion. I stay home full time and DH works. During the day I usually do laundry, dishes, general clean up, clean the bathrooms and care for baby. I also manage our money. I like to have dinner at least started by the time he gets home. Some days I am so beat that when DH gets home I ask if he can help with one thing or another, and he always plays with LO. On weekends he will help out by emptying the dishwasher, bringing laundry to the basement for me etc. I sometimes feel bad having him do things but then remember I'm doing a lot of work as well. I think finding a balance is key. I don't think sitting down and discussing what is expected of both of you is a bad idea!

I'm a SAHM. We never had a discussion about our roles/expectations, but kind of naturally fell into a pattern where I take care of most of the household stuff such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It just makes more sense since I'm the one that's home.

When he gets home, his main "duty" is mainly playing with LO so that I can get dinner ready and also get a little break. It works out for both of us - he misses her so much during the day so he's just happy to spend some time with her, and I'm pretty worn out from entertaining her all day. We split duties for the rest of the evening - I will usually clean up the kitchen and living room while he does bath and bedtime.

In our case a lot is expected of me as the stay at home parent. I take care of all household chores and child care except for yeah, recycling, cat care and a story during work week. On weekends I expect my husband to clean up after himself more and he does help a bit more. I would suggest you guys divide up the jobs for the times you are home so that it is clear who is expected to do what. And I do think the days you both work or habe off it should be 50/50

Would you entertain the idea of a house cleaner to help?

When I was at home, I did the house cleaning, laundry, cooking and it was really tiring. DH ended up doing groceries and some meals and whoever wasn't doing bedtime duries would have to clean the kitchen.

@MrsH: to my husbands credit, his lack of chore doing is due to oblivion, MOST of the time he is it blatantly forcing me to do it all alone. Before we had our LO, he never helped, even though we both worked full time! But now that he sees how demanding a baby can be plus keeping up with the house, he's coming around. It's a process I guess.

I'm a SAHM but we still split the household chores pretty evenly. LO is a lot of work. It is exhausting finding ways to keep him entertained. It also doesn't help that he only naps on me so I don't even have nap time to get things done. Luckily, DH doesn't mind helping out!

I haven't been there so I can't contribute much but one thing that might be good is to chat about the first fifteen minutes when you get home. I have been a nanny for a long time and most of the parents are thrilled to see their kids when they come home but every one of them has appreciated 15 minutes to themselves after the initial hello so they can change clothes, go to the bathroom and just switch mindsets. The flip side is I am guilty of overwhelming my husband the second he comes in the door some nights and he is much happier when I give him a few moments to change gears.

DH SAH. When I first get home, I take some time to organize my pumped milk and change. Then I usually take LO for the rest of the evening. Sometimes if I am especially tired DH takes him some more. Usually I missed LO and want to spend time with him. DH does some of the chores during the day, including washing my pump parts daily. We do take out a lot. We have occasional maid service. Some things just don't get done. I do some stuff on weekends. I feel like I do a disproportionate share of the work, but probably less so than before LO. I was worried about the appropriate chore balance, but it has gone better than I expected. Lo is 4.5 months now.

@rahlyrah: same for me.
I am home with lo and all of my time and energy goes to her. DH helps when he is here and we do our usual chores we both have always done. I also breastfeed and she loves to eat slow and doesn't nap and is very active and easily bored.

I was on leave for about 5 months, and our DD is a generally easy baby (no colick, fussiness, etc.) However, by the time DH came home from work, I was ready to hand her over and run for the hills!! It takes a lot out of you to entertain and care for LO during the day. At times it was either pee or eat and wake her up, or hold it/starve and let her finally effin’ nap! I now laugh at myself for ever thinking I had a hard day at the office. DH would “relieve me” of my duties for a good hour when he got home and then I’d be ready for her again. We’d mostly split the duties in the evening (like, he’ll give her a bottle or change a diaper here and there), but I didn’t just press my “off button” and expect him to take over fully. Nor did I want to I think going in with the expectation that your DH will need you for a bit when you get home, and then maybe “split” duties for the evening is a good plan like others have also said.

When I was on maternity leave I took care of all the household duties: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. When hubs got home from work I would give him a short period to adjust and change his clothes. Then he would take over playing with the baby (which he wanted to do after being away from her all day) and then I would cook dinner. Sometimes he would have to jump in and help with dinner if baby decided it was time to nurse (that obviously won't be an issue for you since the SAH parent won't be nursing ). I also handled every single night wake up while I was on maternity leave since I didn't need to get up and go to work in the morning. Now that I'm back at work full time we share the duties as equally as possible at home.

I don't think you sound like a terrible person at all. I think it's completely reasonable to expect a SAH to manage the household, and I was happy to do it while I was home with my LO. I think a lot of times there is this idea that SAH parents "need a break" when the WAH parent gets home. But they don't "need a break" any more than the person who has been at work all day. And the fact of the matter is when there is a small child in the home there's not a lot of time for anyone to get a break... there is always something to be done.

@looch: Totally agree. Hubs and I regularly each get some time away on the weekends (a golf outing, a spa trip, date night together, etc). I just meant that on a day to day basis it's tough to schedule in a break for anyone in the evening because there is just so much to do.

I'm going to be in a similar situation to your DH. I work from home full time and 3 days/week our daughter will go to daycare whereas the other 2 days she will be home with me (and I will work as-needed). I do expect that on the days I'm home with her all day my husband will do more than 50% with her when he gets home. I expect I might be a bit stressed out those days trying to deal with both baby and work (though I'm grateful I have the ability to do this!) and I really might need a break. I think we'll stick with how things currently are with cleaning-- 50/50. I am home all day but I'm also working. Just because my office is our couch doesn't mean I'm a housewife or that I have nothing to do except vacuum and mop!

I'm similar to you in that I'm working full time while my husband is a full time SAHD. I find the balance VERY hard. Mostly, the housework takes a hit and I don't know what it means to relax. I take on a majority of childcare when I'm home (this doesn't bother me, I want to be with the baby as much as possible). What bothers me is how much house stuff is left after the baby is in bed. I think I would like to go back in time and have a big conversation about expectations-- this was never our plan though, my husband was laid off and after a year of applying for jobs there isn't much happening

Same as some pp. I definitely have days where I need to hand LO off to DH as soon as he gets home because I am so beat. We never discussed it beforehand, but I think DH did expect he would get down time to relax, unwind, etc. but in all honesty, he gets to relax and take breaks waaaay more often than I do as a SAHM. Like some pp, I have a poor napper, so it took a big toll on household chores when I couldn't even utilize that time. Finally at about 8 months I made the executive decision that I needed a maid. It's saved me from lashing out a lot a DH when he plops himself on the sofa to relax when I haven't even eaten or had 3 min to myself all day.

All that to say, I think it's wise to have a discussion because it's not that easy to do it all just because someone was SAH.

ETA: I do almost all of the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cooking, etc. DH will do dishes if there are any left at night.