Hellobee Boards

I agree that generally I'm pretty happy with SAH (now at least - I wasn't always).
It's not that I envy or am jealous - I just miss certain things.
I mostly miss social aspects - I miss having friendships at work. I've liked most of my colleagues and it was fun. Especially my last job before I had my son.
I miss happy hour (I still do that once in a while but if I was in the office I'd do it way more).

I do miss making my own money. Fortunately we don't need it, and my husband puts little restriction on me, BUT the guilt of spending without earning is real. I miss having my own checking and answering to no one about what I bought.

I miss the feeling of accomplishment with a launch. And at work I got praise for a job well done. That was nice to be validated. I know I get it in different ways at home, and I LOVE those ways. But I'm a person that wants to hear the words "we value you" and "great job!" and "thank you!" once in a while. Maybe my love language is words of affirmation.

I do think I still get a fair amount of intellectual stimulation, so I'm ok there. My husband is in a similar field to what I was so he still asks me for advice and tells me about his day and we have great conversations about it. I still help him problem solve and build solutions.

I think when my son is in school longer hours I'll go back. I did go back when he was 1 but the job wasn't a right fit for me (they asked for multiple weeks of international travel my first week) so I left and now I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open. Id go back now for a perfect opportunity. I'd say every other month I'm approached since I have so many contacts at this point in my industry, and I'm lucky that I can be picky.

I also think that both sides really romanticize the alternative and I try to remember that. And I don't harp too much on the above because I know I could go back to work and have all of those things if I want to. Clearly I don't want to THAT much

Two thoughts that are relevant that keep me in check are:

As good as others lives look on the outside- only they truly know what it looks like on the inside. So while others lives may seem curated and envy worthy- I would choose mine 1000 times over because I know what it is inside and out. Everyone is keeping up with the Jonses in some respect, but you have to remember to to some people you are the ideal that there are chasing. I try to be humble and honest the best I can.

My second thought- every choice you make limits you (especially financial choices) college, getting married, moving cross country, buying a house and starting a family. You can't live every life. My choices have me on the path I'm on. My sister lives is one of the most glamorous lives I know- but all she wants is a house that she will likely never be able to afford in one of the most amazing cities in the world. I have 100 year old house in a reasonable COL city that I enjoy (downtown is cute and 1 1/2 blocks away) but it lacks culture and I crave travel and adventure. Being a 1%er aside, no one can have it all- you can't choose every path.

So I guess this is more about envy than the season of life I'm in. Which is a mostly SAHM sometimes photographer supporting my husbands career. But we are happy and it's working for everyone. As long as it is working for all of us we will stay on this path we have chosen, thoughtfully, as a family.

I feel like my experience staying at home from when my son was born to 2 years of age was really difficult for a ton of reasons, but the thing I really was missing was the paycheck. I had a very difficult time spending money when I wasn't making money. I had an identity that I was used to, I had worked full time for 13 years, so to yank myself out of it, I was lost.

My son is 6 now, and I am back at work, but if I were to stay home now, the circumstances are totally different and I doubt I would have the same issues I did previously.

I don't know if it's even true envy, but I do miss earning my own salary, bonuses & getting great benefits. Of course my job now as sahm is incredibly rewarding, but I was a successful career woman for a long time & got used to the tangible rewards of working hard. I also had formed my identity based on my career, so it has been a big change to identify as "just" a sahm/housekeeper, though I feel incredibly fortunate to spend all my time with our amazing little girl. I don't know when I'll go back to work, or whether I'll go back to the same industry, but I can be patient & just enjoy this phase.

I do miss the money from working but to be honest I never loved my job. Even before kids I regularly had existential crises over why I was wasting my life miserable in an office. Yes, being around my kids in my messy house does drive me nuts but I am never as unhappy as I was working. Since I left work, DH has really stepped it up and gone from a dead end job to a real career and it has totally boosted his confidence (and pay check) so we are super fortunate to have enough money but I would like to have my own - so I don't have to feel guilty about buying a new pair of jeans that actually fit or going out for lunch or whatever. And although we are making ends meet, we can't afford nice vacations and have to diy a lot of stuff around the house or wait a long time to save up. So yeah, just envious of the second salary but I do know daycare costs would eat it up anyway so it would never be worth it to me until all the kids are in elementary school.

One thing I envy is having backup childcare for the mundane things like haircuts, doctors appointments, etc. For example, we had to coordinate SO many different people's schedules just so DH and I could go to the RE to discuss next steps for a FET. And then considering all THOSE appointments, lugging DS around for monitoring, blood tests... It's daunting. We'll see if it even happens.

This is kind of a different thing, but I also envy that the schedules of people who WOH are often seen as sacred, but the "schedule" of those who SAH is often seen as less so, and therefore is more often interrupted and changed. It's along the lines of the whole respect thing.

@2littlepumpkins: @ineebee: yes, this is hard! I am lucky to get a haircut once or twice a year because I feel guilty not only spending money my husband earned for it but asking him to watch the kids on top of it. But he doesn't care! It is just me that thinks it's outrageous lol.

Meh. Both SAHM and WOHM have their own challenges so I don't know if I could say I'm overall envious of WOHMs.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to use my brain for more than reading children's books and singing ridiculous songs, and to be able to eat lunch and use the bathroom without worrying about where to put the baby and listening to her cry. But then I also think I don't miss the pressure of things like deadlines or eating lunch at a desk.

I envy two paychecks, maybe!

@ineebee: yes tothis! I feel like some people think I have all the time in the world as a SAHM .. yes I am more flexible and maybe I *do* really have more time but please respect my time and schedule still please

I'm jealous of a lot of little things that ppl mentioned (child-free time, going to bathroom eating lunch alone) but I think the number one thing is not having that income and feeling guilty about spending.

I wish that people didn't assume that I have tons of free time, and that I'm wasting my degrees. The passage aggressive comments I have heard over the years have been ridiculous.

@arosebyany: yep, this completely. Every type of parent has struggles and challenges that don't fit into a neatly labelled box. At times I reminisce about my kid-free days. Don't get me wrong, i fiercely love my child, but I also loved my relatively "carefree" days pre-kid.

@FancyGem: Yes, it's so rude! I miss respect. People really don't respect the hard work that goes into it.

I've stayed home the whole time I've had kids, but one thing I think would enjoy would be having alternate child care options. But at the same time that was one of my worries and one of many reasons why I wanted to SAH because there are so many weirdos in the world lol.

Another thing I've thought of, people always assume SAHM's have all the time in the world. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately for some relatives and other relatives haven't helped me out because they assume I have time to run to a ton of appointments and be on the phone for hours dealing with business. It has been non-stop exhausting all year. I'm jealous that isn't assumed for others.

@skipra: I am the exact same way! I feel awful buying clothes for myself, getting haircuts, or splurging on anything at all that isn't lunch with DD or mayyyyybe the occasional drink out with a girlfriend (like once every other month). My husband thinks being a SAHP is the hardest job ever, and he always tells me to treat myself but I just can't. This year I asked for bed pillows for Christmas because we needed new ones and I couldnt think of anything I wanted that didn't seem wasteful. So I miss the feeling of a big financial cushion (but my salary would be used almost entirely for daycare so we would be in the same spot but I would never see our babies).

I miss being able to pop out for errands on my lunch... And just lunch breaks in general! I adore being home with my kids. I tried to go back to work after DD1 and it was NOT for me, so I don't really want to get a job (FT or PT) until the baby is in prek or k. But I do miss that hour of me time!

@arosebyany: yeah dh has always been the breadwinner whether or not I'm working but my not working and my support has played a big role in getting him where he is.. so I don't really honestly feel bad for spending because he makes more. (I mostly break even on my PT job.) I just feel bad if it's only on me and not on the kids or on DH, if that makes sense. We alternate!

I've been both and being a SAHM is pretty awesome overall, honestly. I always wanted to SAH so I was that working mom envying the SAHMs strolling the aisles of Target.

Having said that, I do think about how baller our life would be right now on two incomes! We're more than fine on one, but increasing our household income would obviously be fun

For us having only one income was/is a serious financial strain so I mostly hated having to budget everything tightly and not afford any extras. I'm working PT now but my job ended for the summer and I am already obsessing over budget.

I hate not being able to afford private education for my kids if we decide to do that (right now we are not planning to do so, but you never know).

I tend to have a lot of anxiety and I need something to latch onto​. I don't like latching onto home stuff because I feel like projects at home are never really "done," so as a SAHM you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting to get much done to completion. So I try not to put my energy into home stuff. But when you're a SAHM it is hard not to internalize​ home stuff.

I miss interacting with non SAHMs! I really love my working mom friends and at the risk of sounding scandalous I enjoy relationships with men as well. I feel like convos with women often turn to kids and that eventually bores me.

I teach English at a community college so when I am working I'm pretty immersed in stuff that matters to me: education, politics, local community, culture, etc. When I'm not I feel like I'm not contributing to that world as much.

@looch: I guess, the difference is Weve never dealt with a lag in our income because I've always only ever made a 4th or 5th of what DH made. So when I was working, my paychecks were literally just direct deposited into the savings account. we still lived off what DH made, and still usually put half of his checks in savings also. He's had two raises since I've left my job, which have resulted in the total of what my income was before DS. We have. Been putting less money in savings though then we did, and I swear to god it all goes to old navy I love thier little boys clothes!