it's been a rough couple weeks for me, today especially.

my nana is very old, 89, and has been sick. she has COPD and congestive heart failure, her blood is too thin for them to relieve any of the fluid around her heart or in her lungs. she has over a liter of fluid in each lung, her kidneys are starting to fail. she has pneumonia. they moved her to an ICU early this morning where she will not be intibated because once she's put on a vent, she would never come off of it. she has accepted a mask until we all arrive, because without it her oxygen plummets. up until now she had been on oxygen, but hadn't needed a mask. she will remove her mask once we all arrive so we can be with in while she dies.

i was planning on going tomorrow after work so i could spend the long weekend with her, i feel like there are stories of hers i haven't heard, now i won't ever hear them. i was with my grandpa on the other side of my family while he died, but he had been sick for a long time & it was easy to see it was time to let him go. even though i was closer to him, this one seems harder because she's still to with it. it only took 34 minutes after turning of my grandpa's vent for him to go, there was a lot of morphine involved. at the time they were 34 excruciating minutes, but i have a feeling this is going to take much, much longer. i'm afraid i will need to take a break & she will go during my break. 34 minutes is a long time to watch someone suffocate, i feel awful that i don't know if i can take hours and hours of it, but i don't know if i could forgive myself if i didn't :*(

thank you for letting me share. please feel free to share your stories of saying goodbye. i may or not be posting today, you all might be a great distraction, or i may just end up in my own lil bubble. we'll see how things go. thanks again for letting me share this will you guys, it's too hard to talk about out loud, but i need to share it somewhere.