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I definitely think it's a worthwhile lesson to teach and at 4 they should understand. But i also think at 4 if presents are given to them then taken away? That just seems like an epic tantrum waiting to happen. Maybe the ones meant to be donated should be put into a completely separate pile? Seems like he will still be getting plenty of gifts of his own so I think it should be Ok.

Personally though I don't think his birthday is the best time to be teaching this lesson. I kinda think of a birthday as the one time in the year it's ok to be all about the child.
My daughter is 3 and for the past two years we have sponsored a family for the holidays with my ILs. LO helps to go buy the presents and do the drop off. She hasn't understand in the past two years but I think starting this holiday she'll probably start asking questions and we'll explain why.

I like @yoursilverlining: suggestion. I love the idea but don't think his birthday is the time to do it. Donating old toys would be great, hr could up through them and be a big part of the process.

I have some aversion to this and I'm trying to pinpoint exactly why.

We're really minimalist when it comes to toys. I find most are frivolous or send outright bad messages. Personally, I don't think ANY kids need like 95% of the toys they have so I guess I don't see how kids in need are really benefiting from this kind of charity. I'm more inclined to make sure they're eating well and have good quality shoes.

I guess having talked through it, it feels like feeding consumerism on everyone's part. I'd sooner ask for no gifts but rather a donation to a charity that's hands-on & DD could get involved in.

I agree with PPs in that I don't think a birthday is the appropriate time to teach this message. And I certainly wouldn't let him open gifts and then tell him they must be given away.

Generosity is something I think is best taught by example and modeling. I don't think using birthday gift-givers to do the giving on the child's behalf, even if the child does the selection and delivery, really teaches a child how to give. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think this is a very good idea.

I think it's wonderful to sponsor a family or a child in need during the holidays and buy them things on their wishlist that they wouldn't normally get. It's a way to bring sunshine into their lives.

But don't ask guests to fund it. I am sure that's not how it was intended, but it comes off that way to me.

I've donated my kids birthday toys without their knowledge before (they were 1 and 3) since we don't open gifts at parties and I specifically requested no gifts, so I felt fine donating them to the hospital where my younger son stayed for a while. I think my older one is wiseing up on the while gift thing, so I won't try pulling that off this year, but will instead ask them to pick out new toys we can donate around the holiday time. I want them to feel generous rather than wronged, you know? Many places don't accept used toys, so unfortunately giving old stuff away is harder.

I actually think its great idea. I get what you are saying....you aren't making him give up toys people are giving him, you got a list of items that someone in need has asked for and are asking grandparents to do that instead.

My family always did similar at Christmas. We always adopted a family and kept our own gift giving fairly minimal. It was always exciting for me as a kid to pick out presents for the kids in our adopted family.

OP: I am curious; if you have a specific list of gifts to buy. How do your guests know what to purchase? Are you literally telling them to not buy gifts for your son but to buy XYZ instead that will be donated?

@silverbuggy: I wanted to add that one thing that's worked really well for us to get LO comfortable with the idea of giving her old toys away was to start with baby clothes and baby toys - stuff that didn't fit at all and that she didn't play with at all. We went through everything and talked about how babies need special toys, etc and then took then to a local shelter with babies there. That made her REALLY excited to see the direct connect between her giving and babies receiving, and now LO suggests giving on her own sometimes. If, in going through toys, she decides we must absolutely keep a certain toy (that she otherwise never plays with and hasn't cared about in months) I don't push it - giving should feel good for the giver, there shouldn't be negative associations with it. If you're forcing it, then i don't think your point and message will get through. I certainly don't believe doing what you're suggesting will cause some psychological trauma, but we generally don't continue as older kids and eventually adults doing things that we don't enjoy doing - know what I mean?

@Anagram: I actually read it as "parents" like the parents of the kids invited. Not necessarily just her parents.

@silverbuggy: I don't think anyone here means to make you feel sad or guilty. I suspect that most of the objections are coming from the perspective of "how would I feel if a party host made this request?" That's how I responded to your post.

I think you've articulated my objection: Party guests shouldn't be told to bring the "right" gifts, even if there is a clear expectation that they will bring a gift to a birthday party. It's not nice for a host to make demands of guests, and the proposed charity wishlist comes loaded with extra baggage because now not only is the party guest being told how to give her gift, but she is also made to feel guilty if she doesn't want to give a gift in the way the host has directed (some guests may be perfectly generous on their own, but really want to give the birthday child something in particular). On the whole, it's better not to put guests in this position, I think.

That said, I totally understand and appreciate the sentiments behind your plans. I think, however, that charitable acts are meaningful for the giver when done with the giver's own money/time/resources, and much less so when done by enlisting others.

I recognize that the final recipient will probably not care about the origin of the item, but the guests do and the child who is being "taught" how to give will have learned that "charity" includes being a middleman with no actual sacrifice on his part. I can tell from your posts that you have good intentions and I think that is wonderful. But I think you may have overlooked the things I outlined above, and since I think they are contrary to what you're trying to achieve, I thought I'd point them out.

I love your premise and totally support. I hate giving gifts to my niece because she is super spoiled and doesnt appreciate them.