Hellobee Boards

I feel like most people that ask the question is not really looking for an answer... Prob just looking for other's experiences to add to their own pro/con list?

My response would probably be, "I don't know. Do you LIKE kids?"

I'd probably just say they make me laugh and smile like nothing else in life, and they make me cry and angry like nothing else in life lol

As the person who asked this question to a lot of people - they aren't looking for a yes or no answer, but what sorts of things you took into consideration when deciding if you, yourself, wanted to have kids and what you see as the pros/cons of having kids.

When my husband first started talking about getting married, I realized that I needed to figure out if I wanted to have children, because my husband definitely wanted children and I was on the fence. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I asked a ton of people for their thoughts. I really appreciated it when people took me seriously and actually talked to me about being a parent.

Unfortunately, in my experience few people can offer helpful advice because when asked how they knew they wanted to be parents most people say "I've just always known I wanted to have kids". Which isn't really helpful if you're the person who hasn't always known. But still, it's helpful to talk to people, honestly, about the struggles and benefits of being a parent.

Personally, one of the things that really helped me was that I spent a week pretending I was going to be CFBC and never have kids. Then I spent a week pretending that I had a kid or two at home and imagining what that might be like. Ultimately, I decided that while I could probably be happy being CFBC, I was excited about the idea of having a child. I thought it would make my life more interesting. I thought it would give me an excuse to go to zoos and children's museums and scavenger hunts. I thought it would be amazing to watch my husband become a dad (he's an amazing dad). So that's what we did! I love being a mom and I really appreciate all the people who took the time to help me talk through and think through the implications of being a parent and come to the decision that that's what I wanted to do.

I like this picture.

I find explaining how damn hard it is and how joyful it is at the same time really difficult.

"Do you want to never have a single moment to yourself ever again? Do you want to be so sleep deprived and stressed that you don't recognize yourself anymore? Do you want to love something so much that just seeing their little face makes you so happy? Then yes." Lol

Somebody asked me this once and I said "If you enjoy having personal time or being able to leave the house without a 30 minute prep period, then no."

@Raindrop: I'm sure they really appreciate that you are taking the question seriously and trying to think and give a thoughtful, honest response.

I wouldn't worry about anybody blaming you if they decide to go one way and regret it. I guarantee you aren't the only person they're asking. And, unless it's your spouse, I can't see them thinking your opinion matters so much to sway things one way or another. Your opinion just gives them another thing to think about and evaluate. I mean, these people presumably know you have kids, so they know what you ultimately decided for yourself.

The only actively unhelpful thing anybody ever told me (and this was online, not IRL) was that if you have to think about if you want to be a parent then you shouldn't be one. That is absolutely untrue and hurtful. But beyond that, open and honest responses are helpful on both sides of the argument.

I usually just say "I don't know, do you want to have kids?" And that usually fields a more specific concern.

When someone asks me this I try to be brutally brutally honest about the downsides to it (sleep, free time, etc). I had a pretty rough time for the first six months. Maybe PPD, maybe just a hard time adjusting. But I'm very open and honest with people about it. However I then go on to tell them that despite all of the hardships and doubts that I felt in the first six months, it is continue to get better and better and of course he's the love of my life. So I do tell them that I think it's worth it, but I try to be very transparent. And I will sometimes say that I don't think not having kids is a bad thing either. It just depends on what kind of life you want to have.

I do this because I think that many times people gloss over the hard stuff and just say having a kid is the best thing I've ever done in my life. And it makes it seem like it's much more glamorous and fun than it is on a day-to-day basis. Like this comic depicts

@Raindrop: I have a friend who really isn't into kids. She likes some kids, but not really a lot of them. She isn't even sure if she wants to be a mom. Usually I give a rounded picture. Like yeah it is hard to wake up at night, or listen to them cry for hours, etc. But there is such joy that comes with it. But I usually leave off with you have to want it. I think, well for me at least, this is something I really wanted and through that it gives me the patience to deal with all the bad.

I get myself in trouble with this question because my brother is CFBC, and is *constantly* asking me if I regret having kids. He gets some kind of sick satisfaction (smugly feels right) when he sees me struggling/exhausted/broke/dealing with tantrums. The "pros" to having kids is really just not understandable or explainable, so it makes explaining to other people why it's "worth it" really hard, in my experience.

I explain it to him like this - why did you choose to get married? You have fights, you have to spend money on dating and a wedding, traveling with her, gifts for her. And your wife can be a big PITA (which he knows). Wouldn't it have been easier and less complicated to stay single? But you're happy anyway - why? And he says something along the lines of "I don't know, I didn't want to be alone." And I tell him that's how I feel about having kids. Yes, you can make a column of all the reasons why it sucks, but ultimately "I wanted a family" is the hard-to-grasp pro column.

I haven't had this specific question but when I talk to friends about the should we / shouldn't we (usually more in the context of now or later rather than ever) I usually contradict myself. Because on the one hand, parenting is no joke and I feel like you shouldn't rush it if you aren't ready. On the other hand, no one is ever totally "ready" and I feel like I personally stressed a lot about what it meant to be "ready" when I should have chilled out.

AND: The biggest thing I do tell friends is you have no idea how indescribably wonderful and rewarding it is to love your own child. I mean, it's just beyond words. So, it's impossible to factor that aspect in before you become a parent. Once you do, I can't imagine having any regret or any other feelings other than genuinely feeling so grateful. (Not to say I haven't had a lot of hard moments and days but the intense love and joy just so outweighs the tough stuff.)

So, I guess I do give it rave reviews but it's not like I encourage them to go for it if they don't want to.