Our 4 and 2 year old daughters are driving me batty. Separately, they are generally well behaved but as soon as they are together, it’s like they transform into pound puppies fighting for every toy or snack put near them. Even if I buy two of something, they somehow still end up fighting over it. Any suggestions on how to handle this to smooth over fights? When does this improve? I was hoping there would be improvement as the two year old’s verbal skills improved but she’s actually quite verbal already and they fight more than ever. They fight over touching each other, saying random (often not even real words!) things to each other, who sits where, who plays with what, etc. The 4 year old often takes things without asking and doesn’t want to share bc she claims the younger one will break something, which drives the 2 year old crazy, but then the 2 year old gets physical with either bopping the older the sister on the head or knocking over whatever game she’s playing. It’s to the point where they start to gripe at each other the minute they are up. We take toys away if they fight over them, we separate them if the fighting continues after talking to them, and occasional short time outs to cool down if things get too intense. They are very different personality types with the younger one being much more defiant and mischievous so it’s hard to find any way to jointly discipline them. I have to believe this will improve as they get older??? Will take any suggestions or hopeful experiences.
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I don't know if it ever improves! My late grandma told me she had a similar dynamic with her sister when they were kids. When they were old ladies, they obviously didn't fight over toys, but I got a subtle impression they were still competing about life achievements
So now that my kids are doing the same thing, I'm not really confident that it's a phase. I'm just throwing everything I can at the problem in the hopes that something sticks. What sort of works:
- separating them if they can't get along
- having them play together while I do chores, as long as they play nicely
- not letting them eat too much sugar lol
- asking them to do nice things for each other, and praising them for it -
I’ve decided I need to be more involved during this stage. We had a blissful 6 months where they played beautifully together and I could cook and do chores, but now they need more guidance and intervention.
One tip I try to use is to say “Do you want to play this together? Then we need to figure out how we can both have fun doing it.” This doesn’t always work, but with things like playing outside in the snow, which is something they both love to do but not alone, it does.
I also know a few things they do well together, like painting, playing gymnastics in the basement, playing “baby day care,” painting their nails, dusting, and washing windows/tables. Some of these happen to be big mess makers but DH and I agreed that we prefer messes to fighting. I keep a box of brownie mix on hand because they both like to do that. Sometimes giving the older one a task like setting the table or loading the washer, which she likes to do, is helpful in distracting and separating them.
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we are just entering ages where they are fighting, but the only thing i have found that works is fighting my instinct to automatically scold the kid i perceive to be the aggressor (usually my 4 yo DS). instead, i get down on his level and start out by saying something like "did DD push over/mess up what you were playing with? i bet that was frustrating. she doesn't realize what she is doing when that happens, she just wants to play with you. let's tell her you are mad and please don't do that again." that sort of thing. it seems to work better than just scolding him for fighting because he relaxes and lets go of his general sense of having been wronged and how unfair everything is, which tends to build up when he gets in trouble without having the wrong acknowledged.
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I think it does get better. At 2yrs kids are still in that parallel play stage where they don’t really know how to play with someone else yet. So some of it may be developmental. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Something that works is modeling how I want them to interact. Kind of scripting their interactions. “Hey you want to sit in this chair right? So say nicely, Jack can I sit in this chair please? And you are already sitting here so you say nicely Anna I’m using this chair right now, you can use it later. “ something like that. I do it all day and I feel like it gives them the language they need to communicate. Doesn’t always work but it’s something to try.
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Ugh typed up this whole thing and it was gone!
I have 5 & 3 yr old girls now. I think at 4 & 2, it was tough with 4 yr old bc she wasn’t as patient or understanding. But now she can “handle” her sister much better... BUT my middle one wasn’t as aggressive/physical at 2 vs 3. So currently it’s usually the 3 yr old provoking/starting the fights. My 5 yr old is already pretty good, except when she wants to be left alone and her sister doesn’t take no for a answer lol.
I def get tired hearing of my own voice breaking up fights, consoling someone, yelling, lol. But I really do love the 2 year gap; when they get along and love each other it’s really the best thing.
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7 and 9 year old girls here and the fighting is as intense as ever. They’re competitive over everything. The fighting is way more annoying to us than to them though. Fighting is just another form of communication and bonding to them. I seriously believe that. They fight hard, but also love hard.
I have to separate them quite a lot for my own sanity. Everyone calms down and then they’re back to being nice again.
It’s important to note how they behave towards each other when no parents are around. I know that they really look out for each other at school. Don’t mess with my sis! And one will comfort the other if there’s a bad day. So they really do
each other. 
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I try to remember to ask myself:
Are they hungry?
Are they tired?
Have they had too much screen time today?
Do they have cabin fever?Sometimes the answer is no on all fronts, and I go straight to discipline (usually in the form of taking away the toy and putting them in time out). But often, their behavior is being made worse by one of those factors. So I’ve found it helpful to switch gears—come help me make a snack! Let’s go for a walk! Go choose some books for me to read aloud! Let’s have a dance party! Or even, let’s clean up the living room! If you change the environment, you change the behavior.
But I often just forget that and yell like a crazy person. 🤷♀️
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For comic relief just wanted to add I’ve been keeping a mental tally of when my girls have gotten along well recently and the clear winner is when I let them talk about poop/butts with abandon.
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@Hypatia: The cabin fever run is real right now. We’ve had a mild winter so there isn’t a lot of snow for them to play in together. Summers are so much easier.
each other. 
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