I have a friend who any day is about to have a baby by herself (conceived with a donor in a clinic). I know she did a ton of research and met people in the community, and is informed about how hard this is going to be, and wanted to do it anyway. But I can't help but feel totally freaked out for her because of how hard it was for me as a new mom (colic, PPD, horrible sleep, MSPI, ec) - and I had a husband!
Has anyone ever known someone who has been down this road? Did it turn out okay?
114 votes
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
Would love to read experiences from everyone voting yes and they did great!! What did you do to help - obviously meals etc when I can get over to her house, but how else?
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Wow, kudos to your friend! Do you know if she has anyone that can stay with her those first couple weeks after she has the baby? Those were the hardest for me and I had my husband to help. I can't imagine how difficult it is without someone helping with those late night diaper changes/feedings. But I think once she's past the newborn phase, it'll get easier.
pear / 1503 posts
I know a SMBC, but don't know how well they are doing. She was a co-worker of mine, and decided in her late 30s to have a child by herself, since she was single, and hadn't met someone she'd want to settle down with. She went through a fertility clinic, and was expecting twins when she moved jobs to another city. I know she safely delivered them through another co-worker, but that's all. I've thought of her a lot this last year, and how much work it would be to have two babies with no one to help out. I hope your friend manages alright and has an easy baby.
eggplant / 11716 posts
I have a close-ish mom friend right now that is a single mom by choice--the thing is, we met in a new mom's group, so I didn't "do anything" for her when she had the baby because we didn't become closer till later. Our older kids are the same age. Like your friend, she chose to be a mom (I mean, it wasn't an 'accident').
She's older (like me, I'm 35) and a professional with a good job. And she has a teeny bit of help--I think her dad lives about 30 minutes away and can come in a pinch, but generally she is totally on her own. We live in an urban, high COL area. And she has a daughter. I know she works long hours and she has to pay for help--her daughter is in daycare from 8-6:30 pm and if she wants to go anywhere for fun, she has to pay for a babysitter.
From the outside, I think she's doing so great! I have often said I don't know how she does it--because she does it really well.
I think the biggest thing you could ever do--if you are in the position to do so, would be to offer to take her kiddo maybe one Saturday morning/evening a month so she can do something alone. I mean, without paying a babysitter. That was she can get a haircut, see a movie, eat lunch with other adults. That type of thing.
coconut / 8472 posts
A friend of mine is starting out on this road. She's 37, has given finding someone, and is taking classes to be a foster parent. She works as a social worker so she's familiar with the challenges foster kids bring. But I'm not sure she knows what she's in for having a child of her own day in and day out, with no partner.
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
@Anagram: That's a great idea. It would be great practice for my LO to spend some time with a baby before her sister arrives. And would mean the world to my friend and not cost us anything.
She did this with a donor at a clinic (and struggled, I think did 3 rounds of IUI before she got pregnant). I believe she is 40 so definitely time.
I just know as a FTM i was SO clueless as to how hard it'll be. And i promised I would never become one of those "JUST YOU WAIT!" doom-and-gloom moms, but I seriously have anxiety for her.
nectarine / 2878 posts
I met one through my church and she has gone on to adopt 4 children through foster care (and has fostered MANY more). She is an amazing woman that I admire so much. Caring for others is her life calling! 
pear / 1672 posts
I know two women actually. One I know has very helpful local family. We're not super close, but I believe that her family does help her out. The second one seems to have a pretty easy going baby, quite frankly. She's great and manages quite well.
I suspect help with babysitting and when she needs it in a pinch would be helpful?
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
@Adira: She has some family nearby, so hopefully they'll offer to help - although I doubt overnight.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@JoJoGirl: Well, maybe if she's able to sneak in a nap during the day, that would help too.
persimmon / 1367 posts
I know two, one used a fertility clinic and the other quite literally used a turkey baster (but that's another story!). Both are doing great, and one is planning a second child! They both have lots of family close by, which really helped make the process much easier. One even moved in with her widowed father, which was scary for her at first but ended up being a wonderful thing for all three generations.
I definitely second the suggestion @Anagram: made - free childcare! I know my friends relied heavily on others when they needed time off, and I can't think of a better gift.
pineapple / 12793 posts
I have a close friend that got pregnant accidentally at 39. Her daughter is now seven and absolutely thriving.
The father is very minimally involved and has offered no child support but does see their daughter every couple of months. My friend comes from a very wealthy family and has enough financial support to hire the help she needs.
I didn't do much because they live on the opposite coast and when she was born I was I grad school and broke.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Single mom by choice at time of conception? No. (Pregnancy was unplanned) Single mom by circumstance? Yes
The mom is very well-off. She's had hired help from the beginning and hands on family for help.
I don't know any single moms that struggled both with money and extra hands for help.
pomegranate / 3392 posts
I didn't vote, but I know a friend who's single and about to adopt a baby any day now! But I have no idea how it will go, other than being excited for her!
grapefruit / 4187 posts
No but I personally think it's easier to parent alone so I am not so worried about this situation. Of course, run a house, be financially stable, companionship, etc. is easier done with a partner.
clementine / 806 posts
my cousin is a single mom by choice -- she was nearing 40 and decided to go for it! She is an executive in NYC and is absolutely rocking it. She is very public about it, and has been on tv discussing her experience (but i can't find the clip now!). Her son is 4 now.
Your friend needs a village - but can definitely thrive.
grapefruit / 4988 posts
There is a mom at our daycare who fits this description, as far as I know. I know that there is no partner in the picture and she has a 2 year old and another one on the way. Honestly, I was shocked when I found out that she is pregnant again, but I guess that means she is doing fine. She is older (I'd guess 40s), well-educated and a professional, and has no family help as far as I know. I do know that she relies on lots of paid help (a cleaner, backup care in addition to our daycare, and she has confessed to me that they eat a lot of takeout).
The one hardship she has mentioned is that sometimes people judge (she previously lived in a smaller community that was less accepting of a single mom than the city where she lives now). I think the main thing is that she must be doing ok financially because all the help/daycare gets very expensive. Without that, I'm not sure how she'd be doing.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
We have a SMBC in our day care class and she is really really struggling. She honestly seems to resent her kid from the way she talks to her. I picked my daughter up recently and the little girl had puked at school 3 hours earlier and her mom still hadn't shown up to take her home.
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
I have a friend who was the same- getting older and wanted a baby so did it on her own. I met when our daughters were 6 months so I don't know how the beginning was- I can't imagine doing it alone. But her daughter seems to be doing great. Like some others mentioned, she has the means to hire help as needed, great daycare and after care, nannies. She has to travel for work occasionally and has to hire night baby sitters as well.
I know one thing she mentioned was moms group meetings at night- like most of the mom left their kids at home with their partners but my friend didn't want to spend $50 on a babysitter on top of everything else. So I agree that taking the baby for a while so she can get out alone would be helpful.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
@Modern Daisy: when my LOs were brand new I remember constantly thinking "I would die if I had to do this without my husband". I'm just curious what it is about parenting alone that you think is easier?
apricot / 343 posts
I have been a single parent (not by choice initially) of a 10 month old and a 2 year old. When having my LOs, I always asked myself if I was able to do this on my own if I had to. Being with a partner isn't always forever, kids are. I found parenting alone easier at times, less things to worry about and my bond with LOs really strengthened.
Now I am with FI, I am never really dependant on him to help me cope. He works away for work a fair bit at times and being independent with 2 kids made me really confident in my abilities as a parent.
clementine / 756 posts
I know one woman who recently gave birth to a son she conceived with donor sperm. I don't know her well, but from what I've heard things are going well. Her mom lives in the same town and was staying with her for the first two weeks. She is a teacher, so she gets summers and holidays off. I'm sure it's hard, but just like any other parent, you figure it out.
I also know a woman who got pregnant with a boyfriend who quickly left the picture, so she's mostly a SMBC. Her daughter is now 6ish and they're doing great. She has family but they're not in her town, so they only help out when the mom has to travel for work. She recently met another single mom that she trades childcare with.
honeydew / 7463 posts
I have a friend who had a baby on her own at 46 because she knew she was basically out of time. She did IVF. I'm not entirely sure if she had frozen eggs or embryos and who the father is (donor, ex, etc) because I don't want to pry too much. But I talk to her regularly on email and we see each other just about monthly. And she did way better than many of my mom friends! She has a HUGE support system though. (All family close by, nanny and housekeeper, and she runs her own successful business so she has very very flexible work hours).
All that said, I still think that without her village she would have been ok. She was always emotionally in a better place than I was (we had our babies 1 month apart). She's definitely had some moments where she was really sad she didn't have a partner. But the actual baby stuff she's been awesome with.
I think she's a rockstar!
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I don't know any single moms by choice, but I know a lot of single moms, and they have had a lot more family help than any of us with husbands, so sometimes when my husband was less than helpful I thought to myself maybe that'd be easier in some respects!
Her family may not be there every night, but hopefully they have a good relationship and they can come over some nights to give her a break. I'm sure she will figure it out like anyone else!
pear / 1788 posts
My aunt is one. And she basically ruined her son... Raised him saying no girl is ever going to be good enough for him, she is his whole world, etc. Now he is 34 and is a total mama's boy, and a total jerk. Single, of course, only has one night stands with college girls.
But she did fine raising him, just emotionally ruined him.
persimmon / 1045 posts
I have a mum friend who fits this description - as in chose IVF with donor sperm as she simply couldn't wait any longer to meet a life partner (she's late 30s/early 40s) and is doing so well. She did move in with her mum, and so that was a bit of a help with the home/food side of things.
Her relationship with her son is just beautiful though - they are so close and she is so present and gentle with him! It's awesome. As she was able to plan for this, she took a really long maternity leave & is now back at work PT. we met through yoga, but I know she is part of a single mums support group and that has been great. Plus she seems to get some good help from her sister and dad as well.
She's always inspiring me - especially since her son was/is a terrible sleeper and is quite needy!
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
Our pediatrician is a single dad by choice. He has adopted five kids out of foster care. I love him and want to be BFF (he is also my husband's residency program director, so we get to go to some social events with him).
He has a nanny, and seems to rock it.
papaya / 10570 posts
A very good friend of mine didn't deliberately set out on this path her partner who left her when their baby was a few weeks old. She has loved every stage of her daughters life so far and copes really, really well. She definitely enjoys parenthood more than me 
and makes it look easy!
bananas / 9227 posts
If I were her, I'd hire a nanny or have her mom stay over for the first few weeks. Looking back, it was seriously, seriously rough for me and DH even stayed home for the first few weeks!
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
@SugarplumsMom: She can't afford a nanny but I think is getting an au pair. Her mom is older (70+) since she is older so has offered 1 day/week of care but no overnight help. It's a really tricky situation 
eggplant / 11716 posts
@JoJoGirl: getting an au pair is a perfect arrangement, if she lives in an area where she can afford a 3 bedroom house. She can also hire a baby nurse for the first few weeks--they don't have to work full time, she can hire one to just come 2-3 nights a week to give her a break.
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
@Anagram: I sent her the name of my post-partum doula, who also offers overnight help, but she's concerned about the cost ($25/hr). She lives in a 2 BR condo in the city so kicked out her roommate to make room for the au pair. Which of course leads me to ask where the baby is going to sleep, but I guess they'll room share? Hope that will work for both of them.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@JoJoGirl: My single mom friend lives in a 1 bedroom with her now 2.5 year old daughter and has no plans to move any time soon.
I actually work with a girl that grew up in the West Village (her parents still live there) in a 1 bedroom rent-controlled apartment. Her bed was in the front hallway. And she's totally normal, went to Stuy, went to an ivy league school. Not a problem that she didn't have her own room growing up.
cantaloupe / 6206 posts
@Anagram: No, we're in Boston. And that's actually the going rate for pp doulas here! Regular nannies charge $20, pp doulas do a lot more so charge more. Overnight nurses are $300/night.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@JoJoGirl: yeah, prices are high here, too, but I've found that on care.com, you can find really good people for less.
But still, in her position, I would pay someone---babysitter or baby nurse--at least 10 hours a week for the first month. Just so I can rest. She doesn't have any siblings that could fly in for the first week or two?
Let me text my friend and ask what she did immediately post partum. I met her when she was around 1 month pp and she was doing great by then--makeup, flat ironed hair, the works, haha. I should say, my friend's personality is extremely organized. We are all in the midst of pre-school orientations and registrations, and she keeps the rest of us apprised on new developments and procedures and place that run after care programs. She's completely on top of it all.
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