Mr. Bee posted about smokers here: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-for-non-smokers-out-there-could-you-have-married-a-smoker
But what about drinkers? Could/would/did you marry someone who struggled with alcoholism or drank a lot?
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There is alcoholism in my husband's family, so he keeps his drinking to a minimum knowing this. I don't know if you can say no to love just for an issue like a drinking problem. That being said, if it was causing other problems in the relationship, I would probably put marriage on hold while we figured out the root of everything.
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My husband is well aware of the problems with alcoholism in his family. He doesn't drink much and rarely gets trashed. It's been that way since we've been together. My family also has problems with alcohol as well, but it's always been more swept under the rug. My parents taught me to drink responsibly same with DH.
My best friend married a functional alcoholic. On her wedding weekend, her husband's excessive drinking took both us by surprise. What's worse is that his temper flared up over nothing. It's caused me to worry about her and her marriage since that day. They recently had some marital problems which were dealt with, but I have a feeling that drinking wasn't one of them. It's tough to see her in a marriage like this, but she's happy at the moment.
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@mediagirl: I definitely think it is wise to seek out a professional to help. SO and I did that before we got married to discuss his drinking (among other topics).
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@carrieknitscake: I'm sorry to hear about your friend's husband's behavior at their wedding. But I'm glad you say that you think she is happy. That is good.
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No. That was another issue with my ex! He would always have to have a drink (or two) with dinner. And it bothered me that he HAD to do that. Even when he said he didn't have to, he would.
I don't drink ever. Maybe a sip of someone's if it looks yummy, but that's it.
Needless to say, my husband does not drink or smoke.
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My ex-husband is an alcoholic..... So I no longer drink & part of my SO "criteria" was non-drinker. So nope wouldn't even consider dating someone who drank. =)
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@highwire: Yeah, she's been through a lot with her husband based off of his immature actions alone. She's basically forced him to grow up. It sucks sometimes because she gets very insular in their marriage. I haven't heard from even after texting her last week. I just want her safe and happy. I worry though that he'll do something to threaten her safety. She forgave him for some of the marital woes he caused. Sometimes, I think that she's stronger than me. Other times, I think she does a lot of things in a marriage I would never do.
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@highwire: that's great to hear, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. We got therapy before he would agree to marry me because I had some anger problems (like you noted, among other things).
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@artbee: With my husband and I, a drink during dinner occasionally is completely normal. We really only drink like once a week if that. Right now, our beer shelf in our fridge has been completely taken over by LaCroix cans, Diet Hansen's soda, and pom juice. We definitely have a need to have a drink with dinner mentality. I don't understand that mentality either.
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To me, these are separate issues, so my answer varies.
Someone who drinks a lot – yes.
Someone who is actually an alcoholic – no. Also wouldn’t date someone who was mean/nasty drunk.
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@yoursilverlining: I agree, definitely different issues. However, in our situation, I guess I was a little naive and thought SO was in the first category (just happened to drink alot) and then became aware that it was actually alcoholism much later in our relationship.
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ugh, my husband drinks a lot in my opinion. he doesn't think so. and i call him an alcoholic and he always goes through the list of what defines an alcoholic and states that he's not one.
i think if he was a drunk when i met him, we wouldn't be together now. but he drinks occasionally, and he's never drunk so i guess i'm okay with it until it gets to "that point"....
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I couldnt marry someone who drinks a lot. I dont drink at all and never understand my friends who can only have fun if there is alcohol. I wouldnt be able to tolerate a husband who drank all the time.
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I can't say for sure since I'm already married and my husband isn't a heavy drinker
But probably not? Especially since I don't drink.
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(oops, reply to HighWire): Yeah, it’s a hard issue. My aunt never used to drink and is now a barely functioning alcoholic, which is hard on my uncle. She can’t have just a glass of wine, or just one cocktail. Its nothing or completely fall down drunk. She also gets extremely mean when she drinks, which doesn’t help. Kudos to your husband for being willing to address his issue, it isn’t easy!
I think some people assume if you drink what they think “a lot” is, you must then be an alcoholic, which isn’t true – but its also hard to tell sometimes. I drink (well, drank) a lot, but don’t have a drinking problem. If I couldn’t drink, no biggie. It wasn't hard to stop drinking when I got pregnant, or something I really think about. No physical issues if I go without alcohol. I don’t depend on it, I just enjoy it. I can have 1 glass of wine and be fine. My brother – just can’t. If he has 1 beer, he has 15 and blacks out. There’s no in between, and if he doesn’t drink, he has physical addiction symptoms.
At least there are great support services for alcoholics, and their families/partners.So many people have drug/alcohol issues, its nice we can share on here and hear other peoples' stories.
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@yoursilverlining: I agree. So glad to be able to share with others on here!
SO is a completely functional alcoholic. He gets up for work every day and it doesn't "interfere" with anything in his life technically. But I don't remember the last day he didn't drink. And it is never 1-2 beers. It is whiskey/coke and 6+ beers every day. At least. This is alone at home. I rarely drink (maybe 2-3x a year)
His tolerance is so high at this point that I rarely see him get sloppy drunk, but I know this is still not normal behavior. Its obviously not a simple issue (his family and friends are also all pretty heavy drinkers). Hopefully he'll find some strength to improve his situation soon.
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I couldn't, mainly because I don't really drink either. (I might have a glass of wine or a beer every month, on average.) It's more of a lifestyle clash for me than any fundamental issue with alcohol.
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We both drink socially, and will occasionally indulge in a glass of wine at home when we're by ourselves, but not often. In my family, we get together and have a little too much wine for special occasions and it's always a good time. SO will have beer and play pool with the guys a few times a month. We never let it interfere with our daily lives, never drink and drive, but we do enjoy alcohol and I don't have a problem with it.
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For sure a dealbreaker. My dad has been an alcoholic my whole life and I wouldn't want to be married to someone like him.
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I don't drink but SO has a drink once every blue moon or so and I'm totally fine with that. I couldn't be with an alcoholic. My uncle is one and it's ruined his life, to the point where I'm surprised his liver hasn't given out on him yet.
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I hate heavy drinkers more than smokers. I've experienced terrible things by heavy drinkers/people who were drunk and it's a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather marry a smoker than a drinker.
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Someone who drinks would be fine. An outright alcoholic would be an absolute dealbreaker. My husband does drink, but never to the point of being drunk, and only really on the weekends.
A family friend found out that her husband was a closet alcoholic. He would get up early and go out into the garage and drink in his car before even going to work. They have managed to get him help, but it definitely put a huge strain on their relationship!
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@mekarual: Wow so he'd be drunk at work, and no one noticed?
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I don't think I could have married someone who drank a lot. My husband works for the #1 brewery in the world and he gets free beer as a perk, so we always have some in the house. But neither of us drink much. We probably have one drink every couple of weeks.
Both of us have seen our siblings make some really bad choices under the influence of alcohol. It would be very hard for me to handle that in my relationship.
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@mrbee: he was the boss, so people either didn't notice or were scared to report. Very sad situation!
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I definitely couldn't. I'm glad DH knows his limits. He knows that his last seizure was directly related to how much he drank that night, so is careful to never drink to excess again, although there are times when out with friends I think he's pushing the limits.
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If I knew someone had a drinking problem I wouldn't marry them... I don't like drunk people much so thats not something I would live with, I have seen too many bad things happen to people that get too drunk and I couldn't deal with it my whole life.
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@highwire: Just want to say that I hope that you and your hubby are able to work on this issue together! Hugs to you.
I recently started working at a drug and alcohol outpatient program, and it amazes me how many people who have problematic alcohol or drug use are able to function so well in their lives (until they don't, of course).
DH does drink a fair amount...not in quantity, but in frequency. He loooves good scotch and he probably has a glass or so a few nights a week. It did bother me in the beginning, but I think that's because I was thinking about it in a very college-y mindset--i.e. you should only be drinking when you're out at a party (and in that case, it's ok to get drunk!). But I guess this is a more mature was of drinking--drinking to actually enjoy the alcohol/the taste of it, both with scotch and wine and mixed drinks that we sometimes make.
As for whether I could marry someone who had a drinking PROBLEM, I don't know...I do know that I would never ever leave DH if he turned out to be an alcoholic. But if I knew he were an alcoholic when I met him, that would definitely give me pause. At the same time, I think I would have trouble being with someone who didn't drink at ALL--I like wine and I like drinking socially, and I would be a little sad if that couldn't be part of our relationship.
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Yes. My husband drinks a lot. Pretty much only on the weekend. It sucks when I'm pregnant because I love drinking (well, Ok, 1-2 drinks, not like a 6 pack, so that's probably a normal amount) on the weekend. It makes me a little jealous that he can drink and I can't. His family thinks he's an alcoholic. My family thinks he's normal.
And @hilsy85: it was weird for me too, but then I realized he only drinks stuff he likes the flavor of, and he has really cut back. He never went to college, but he's military. At first, he was kind of a fish. As he's gotten older he's learned more about drinking and has gotten out of the party mode. -
No. I've had a history myself -- let's just say I can relate to the way you say your SO drinks -- but I haven't drank in over 3 years. So I don't mind that DH drinks, and would never stop him from doing so, but that's only because he rarely does, and I've never seen him drunk. An alcoholic would have been an absolute deal-breaker. And I was so nervous to date somebody in the first place that I think if DH had gotten a beer with dinner on our first date or suggested going to a club or bar, I would have chickened out and things wouldn't have gone any further.
I do hope that your SO and you can work through it together. I know a lot of women in relationships with potentially abnormal drinkers, who have gotten lots of help and support from Al-Anon. And that's just one -- I'm sure there are plenty of groups like that that aren't necessarily associated with AA. ((hugs)) to you
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I'm not a huge drinker and neither is anyone in my family so I'd probably have a hard time adjusting to someone who drank a lot. DH drinks and can handle a lot more than I can, but he's more of a social/footbal game drinker... I like that he can drink, but is controlled (even with his FRATboy past! :P)
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No, I wouldn't be OK with that. I definitely had my fun times in college, and dated some guys who liked to cut loose on weekends and drink a lot, but to marry, no. I love that I've only seen DH tipsy a couple of times in 5 years. I don't like how out of control people who get super drunk get and wouldn't want to be married to someone like that.
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@ladyfingers: I've actually been to a few al-anon meetings and they've been very helpful to me! Thanks for bringing that up
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@highwire: Oh good
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In the beginning of our relationship my DH tended to drink too much. It was what he was used too, however I expressed my extreme dislike for this habit, and he has definetely pulled it together and grown out of it after being married/engaged. He was a moody "drunk" & I was sick of dealing with it. I'm glad he came to realize that I was more important to him then being the "life of the party". We can go out and enjoy drinks with friends without any issue anymore!
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My husband and I both drank a lot before we had a kid. It wasn't really a big deal, because we were both responsible when we needed to be, and let loose at the bars when we were on our own time. After we had kids (well, starting when I was pregnant), we knew our family was more important than drinking. We still have a few drinks from time to time (well, when I'm not pregnant), but don't drink in excess around our kids because we feel that children deserve a safe home environment with dependable parents.
There's a big difference between someone who drinks a lot and an alcoholic. I married a drinker, but I would not marry an alcoholic unless he got his alcoholism under control before I married him. Every true addict I've ever known has put their addiction ahead of their family, and I would not willingly marry someone who would put intoxicants higher on their list of priorities than myself or our children.
But probably not? Especially since I don't drink.
At least there are great support services for alcoholics, and their families/partners.Reply
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