Hi ladies, once again I need some advice.
My In laws are visiting for the first time since my lo was born, she is 4.5 months old now. When my in laws hold her she will be fine for about 5 minutes and then she'll start crying her eyes out. She also starts screaming if im not around.
What should I do? Every time she starts crying I try to take her from them but my in laws dont want to give her back to me (she calms down once shes in my arms). This morning she started crying in their arms so they said "its because she sees you" and took her to another room (where she continued to cry until I got her, but at that point she was so upset I couldnt even soothe her easily).
I understand it must be disappointing for them but I hate to hear my baby scream and cry. What should I do? Let her cry it out with then (which is what my husband wants to do) or just take her from them when she cries???
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my LO had this issue early, too! she was also very early to grasp object permanence - if we hid the remote, she'd look around for it, etc. It stopped a little bit around 10 months or so, but started back up just after she turned a year.
I always took her back. I didn't want her to be terrified.
eta - I would explain that they're new people to her, and it would be better if she DID see you so she knows there is someone familiar and not to be afraid.
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We have the same problem with our 7 month old and it started super early. I try to let other people soothe him but it kills me to hear him cry when I know all he wants is Mama. I know my inlaws probably think I'm crazy, but if my baby is upset, I'm going to take him back! I don't really have any advice, just know you're not the only one
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Aw, I don't have any advice but I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. If that means taking her back then do it. Your LO's sense of security is more important than others' feelings.
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This started with my daughter around this time. I explained to my mom what was going on. We found that if I was holding her, she would play and smile at my mom, so that worked. Also, if people spend time around her for awhile (like 30-45 mins) while I hold her or we all play on the floor, they have better luck picking her up.
Play lots of peek a boo, I read that it helps them develop object permanence.
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@Silva: we did the same.
Easing into things really worked. If we just plopped her into someone else's hands without giving her a chance to warm up she was sure to cry. Some babies just need more time to check things out and warm up, and that's okay! I did not want the grandparents to continue holding her if she was crying. They are just little babies and when they express fear or anxiety I think it's up to us to provide comfort where we can. Plus, I would hate for my LO to develop any negative associations with the grandparents, which could make things worse in the long run!
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@yourekindapretty: I agree with what silva said. My LZo has always been a little cautious and I can't remember the exact age, but that behavior sounds familiar. Helping her learn to interact with them from the comfort of your arms or lap can go a long way in helping everyone be happy. Trust your gut and go to her when you think she needs you--you're the mom!
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I would take her back.
DS did this with my FIL a few weeks ago. We all just sat together on the couch while DS warmed up and then he was fine for the rest of the visit.
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I would take her back if she starts to get to upset. My almost 4 month old is already crying when someone other than myself or daddy holds him or if a new face doesn't appeal to him. Its tough because you don't want them to get use to only you, but you don't want them to get too upset either...
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My LO went through this from about 5 months until 10 months or so. I always took her back as it's a perfectly normal stage of development and I didn't feel the need to force her into something that was distressing her. And really, how fun is it for someone to hold a screaming baby?!
Some things we tried were holding LO on our lap and letting her take her time checking the other person out. We'd also have the new person make some good distractions (with LO's favourite toys etc) that would grab LO's attention and make her forget the fact that she didn't know the person. And we'd back her into the arms of someone new so she wouldn't realise she was being held by someone new (we mainly did that with grandpa, not just anyone). That sometimes allowed them to hold her for a few minutes before she became upset.
Our LO's stranger anxiety was mostly with men, women she had no problem with, and it was tough with grandparents especially. We live overseas so when we visited them when LO was six months old, it was so hard that they couldn't really cuddle her and snuggle her like they'd been itching to do since she was born.
Rest assured though, it is a stage and your LO will grow out of it!
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@SORRYCHARLIE, @JODYBLAIR, @SWEDISHFISH, @SILVA, @RUBYCALI, @MAMACATE, @ALV91711, @JH524, @REE723
Thank you for the advice everyone =)
It's been 2 days and baby girl has gotten a lot better with the inlaws but still cries if they hold her for too long. I quickly step in and take her from them before her crying becomes more frantic. HOWEVER the problem now is that my in laws try to walk away from me when she cries so I wont take her from them. they actually body block me from her view claiming that she's truly crying because she sees me.... not because they're holding her. =( but this is a whole different issue. *SIGH* -
That is a whole different issue and one I would put my foot down on immediately! She is communicating the only way that she can to let them know that she's done and wants her mom, and instead of respecting that they take her to a room where she can't even see you! Your DH is really okay with that?! Dad fail on his part - is he planning on raising her to think that she has no right to wanting personal space and to decide when she doesn't want people touching her?
I'd put a stop to that right now - seriously, you do NOT want to set the precedent that they can ignore and override your requests for LO. Take her out of their arms! It doesn't matter if they don't want to give her back, someone needs to advocate for your daughter since she's too young to do it for herself. I would straight up tell them next time they want to hold her that you're not comfortable letting them hold your child when you know that they will not give her back when you want them to. Yes, she's their granddaughter, but she is your child!
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@yourekindapretty: that's bonkers! I think in those situations you could firmly suggest that they put her down and play on the floor with her (after you've calmed her down). She'll likely last longer. Not all babies do well with being held by non-parents, but often will play on the floor something with them.
Also, if I were you this would really stress me out, so this is easier said than done, but try to keep calm and smiley when she freaks out. You don't want her to think that these people are total monsters (even if they are being kinda hellish).
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It was a phase for us! It was pretty bad from 3-4 months, but went away as quickly as it came. I think it is associated with emotional/intellectual developments & will come back again!
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@wonderstruck: agreed, I keep saying (to rationalize my behavior) that first and foremost she is MY Child and their grandchild second. The hubs is at work all day and doesnt have to deal with this first hand. His parents are extremely stubborn and wont listen so he tells me to just take her back and say "she needs to eat" and lock ourselves in the room if they really are giving me a hard time. He explained to them this morning that "the baby is just not comfortable with strangers" and they became incredibly upset because they are not strangers, they are her grandparents. They cant grasp that to her they are still strangers. So frustrating!
@mjane: such a good point. Im certain im making an angry face and my tone is unpleasant everytime this happens. I have to remember to smile and stay calm. Its so hard though.
@photojane: oh thats good to know! I really hope its a short phase!! I was afraid itll last till shes about 2yo or something.
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