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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Do you remember what your points were? I want my DH to agree with me, too! I know its not just the money Im upset about but I can't justify even to myself why its not ok for him to go out and get drunk.... "because Im here alone reinserting DD's dummy every hour and a half" doesn't seem like a good enough reason somehow, I mean, why should we both be miserable? I will bring up the money tomorrow but I want him to apologize for staying out after his dad went home and for getting so drunk but I feel unfair even saying that to myself...
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@Cherrybee: maybe it's just me, but sometimes I think yes, it is better for both parents to be miserable. You're in this together. If his being there shows you he cares, lightens your load, and makes you a little less miserable then I think that as a husband and father it is his responsibility to be there. Maybe I just have high expectations (I SAH but expect dh to help out on his days off so we both get something of a break, while others expect they will do it all at home 24/7, for example) but I don't see why one person should have to endure all the misery all the time.
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@Cherrybee: Because you're both parents to a new baby and you BOTH are responsible for this little person's wellbeing. It has nothing to do with who goes to work in the morning or who has what illness, it's about your sweet girl needing (and deserving) two parents looking after her.
Life has changed and if he can't look after your LO then he needs to look after you!
And maybe remind him that E wasn't the result of an immaculate conception
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@Kemma: You make an excellent point.
Well its now 9am and Im up with LO. DH woke for a few minutes - enough to tell me he feels really ill and he doesn't remember getting in last night. Phew! That means I can start from square 1 discussing it with him, without last night's snappy outburst obscuring the issues. He is snoring again now though, I can hear him from the lounge.
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I have no advice, but I just wanted to give you a virtual HUG!
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@Cherrybee: wow- what a shock that he feels awful. Can you try (again) to explain that you are giving 110% every day all day to E, so that the weekend, you are just wrung dry and don't have anything left to give and need his support? I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Can you rest in the lounge when E naps, so you are away from him?
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@Foodnerd81: No rest today, we are due at his parents' in an hour - DH is supposed to be making a special birthday lunch for them. We have £50 worth of fancy ingredients in the fridge plus a dessert I made last night but he is currently puking his guts up so im not sure how that's going to work.....Ive got DD ready but I still need to have a shower, wash bottles... Ugh. Im so annoyed.
We managed a quick talk though before he started vomiting. Apparently his friend is paying him back so that's something at least.
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@Cherrybee: I'm always glad when my DH is acting annoying and due at his parents. Usually my FIL can talk him down pretty good when it seems like all I'm doing is nagging. I just let him deal with it and expect my usual DH to come home after he's been there, lol.
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From my own experience, our problems came from lack of communication. Really getting to the route of each others' unhappiness by talking things out was really important.
I don't really know anything about your situation, so forgive me if these are completely off, but just some ideas...
Maybe he is just completely overwhelmed by being a new parent and like most men I know, is not willing to admit that - so he is finding ways of acting out.Maybe he is seeing your unhappiness as a sign of his failure and not being able to improve the situation is just lashing out.
This was the case for us and what helped was me trying to stop my nagging or trying to talk when I was upset and really finding a calm and happy time to express my concerns. I also had to try and focus on the reinforcing positives - like thanking him for all the little things that were helpful instead of complaining about the things he didn't do.I would also suggest making the plan to get out next weekend. Again from personal experience, my DH just really didn't get it what it meant to take care of an infant all day. In the beginning he would even say things like "well, I'm at work all day - why can't you just take care of XYZ, you have time!" That didn't go over well...
Also, big big hugs! It all gets easier
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Oh, and being without any real help for three weekends in a row would turn me into a mad woman. So from my perspective you are handling this beautifully and your DH needs to be thankful!
We all need a break - and getting time off will make you a better wife and mother, your DH should understand that! -
I don't think you are being unreasonable! I would be so mad too! The other ladies have given you a lot of great advice. I just want to give you hugs and reiterate that he is probably feeling guilty because he knows he's being unfair and he knows all the trouble you've gone through already and he's projecting his guilt onto you. That is not fair!!
If there's any chance you can to just pop out and leave like he has done I would!
I feel like its fine to go out and celebrate, and even be a little late, but to get so wasted when you have a little one, and be completely useless the next day is so incredibly irresponsible of him!
I'm so sorry. Major hugs.
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So we arrived at his parents house at 1pm. He came over really woozy and proceeded to vomit in the gutter five times before we went in - so you can imagine how angry I was. He was barely able to cook the birthday dinner he had promised and wasn't able to eat any. During dinner he left his full plate and disappeared up to his parents bedroom, where he slept the afternoon away. I was glad we were there, at least I wasn't doing it all alone at home. I told him how upset I was because he is meant to be tee total on this medication as it puts strain on your liver. I told him that I worried about his health - I don't want E to lose her daddy - but that if this happens any more (this vomiting all the next day because he drank so much is not rare) Im going to stop caring to be honest. I think that hit home. He has promised to give up drinking.... we will see..... my dad was an alcoholic and I will not put up with it from him.
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@Cherrybee: I'm glad the day went ok and he promised to stop. Do you think he needs outside help?
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@googly-eyes: I don't think so. Drinking is a big part of our culture here - particularly heavy binge drinking - and we were both huge drinkers before DD. What he needs is an attitude overhaul - he needs to remember his priorities. His problem is once he starts he is very easily led and a quiet afternoon drink always turns into a huge session. His dad went home at 8pm apparently but he was already drunk by that point and there was no stopping him. He needs to quit entirely in order to prevent this - or he will seriously damage his liver AND his marriage.
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I would be livid. I would have laid into him this morning about how much of an ass he was being, and why. I would have flat out told him that I don't care if it makes him feel bad or ruins his night, because he ruined MY night and deserves to feel like shit.
But I'm honest as hell. And it's the only way we get past it, because guys don't get subtle hints. He has to know how you're actually feeling, or he'll never understand why you're upset each time. Once he's done recovering, sit down and talk to him rationally. Even if you have to write it down to keep on track. And ask him to just let you get it all out and THEN respond.
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@Cherrybee: I hope he keeps his promise! He has beautiful little girl to think of now (not to mention you too!), and he needs to take responsibility for this change in his lifestyle!
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@Cherrybee: well that's good to hear (that you don't think he needs outside help.) hope he gets his act together soon.
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@Cherrybee: I hope he takes it seriously this time. Going out and getting drink with your friends once in a while is one thing (aside from the whole not being there as a father or husband thing). But vomiting the whole next day on any kind of regular business is way beyond social drinking- especially if he is on meds that are hard on his liver. I hope he shapes up. Glad you had helps from the ILs at least.
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I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all! Doing all the parenting is truly tough. I am inclined to agree with @Anutka: about what's driving his behavior. It seems like he's trying to continue life as it was, shirking the responsibility of new parenthood. Adjusting to a new lifestyle (especially if he's nervous or scared or frustrated) can lead to strange, uncaring behaviors. If he wasn't inconsiderate of your feelings and needs before, it's likely that other factors are at play behind the scenes of his antics.
Also, it sounds to me like communication is very strained between you two right now. I thought my husband and I were great communicators before our baby arrived, but it turned out that we just hadn't had complicated emotions before. It took us months of snipping and surly arguments to get to the root of our issues around our new roles as parents. We're still figuring it out, but we're much happier now that we have identified our feelings behind our anger.
I guess he's said no counseling, but that's bullshit. If you two can't discuss issues together you can't have a successful marriage. So either he digs deep, gets honest, and quits using excuses like you're unreasonable or you're a nag OR he brings himself down to chat with a 3rd party. It is your FAMILY on the line.
You're not unreasonable, you're not a nag, you're not a poor wife. You're settling into the role of mum and (even though it can take some people longer to find that new role) he needs to do the work to settle in as dad now too.
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I agree that it is all about communication. Before DD was born, I thought we were really good at communicating. I learned (before she was born) that to be a good communicator was to figure out how the other person needs to be communicated to. I thought we had gotten pretty good at it. Enter DD and husband had to teach me how to talk to him. What is driving the drinking? It is not the drinking he wants, but rather to deal with the issues behind it. Try your best to be kind and communicate with him how he needs it- but don't think for a second that your feelings are not valid and do not matter. Drinking is a huge problem and I am willing to bet he doesn't really want to be doing it either... but you two have to tap into THAT.
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@Cherrybee: Well, basically it was a group of close friends, and I was the only remotely sober one, and our children were there (sleeping, but still). And I just said I thought it was massively immature to make me the only one able to care for them in the event of an emergency. That it was a reversion to college and was pathetic. The other couple present, both of them there drunk so there was no-one there to watch their child soberly (who was sleeping, granted) except me. I told my husband that he was enabling poor behavior. Also another one of our friends groped me a tad bit and I told DH he was a jerk for not being able to stand up for me in that moment (he wasn't around at the moment, but he also would probably have shrugged it off while buzzing). I also told him I didn't want my child to get older and have memories of mommy and daddy being drunk around the house. He totally agreed with it all!
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@Cherrybee: my husband and I just had this conversation today, we actually were talking about your situation! We have found that it is easy to drink 1 or 2, but once you get to three...it gets harder to say no to a third or fourth. But we have found that rarely do we get drunk unintentionally anymore because we don't ever get to three. Our cutoff for driving these days is 1 beer plus time and a meal. And one of us is almost always DD if we think we'll drink more than one. Plus we usually have to get back to the sitters, or get LO down for the night, so we don't have the chance to say yes to another. We have gotten drunk twice together since that night, but both times we were both at home and mindful of our mutual decision.
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@Greentea: I don't think anything is *driving* the drinking, other than the idea that it's fun. Like I said, getting leathered at the weekend is a very big part of British culture. My Facebook newsfeed is full of people complaining about their hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday morning - people of all ages. The pub is where all our friends are. We can invite them round but most wont come, those that do will turn up with crates of beer and they will all be going out afterwards. It's the only social scene any of us belong to. We don't go to church, we don't go bowling (kids and families go bowling), we don't do anyhting else. If you're not at the pub, you don't see your friends. Stat. It's where most of my friends know each other from! I guess DH is just missing his old life. It was probably really nice to get out, see his friends and get steaming. But it has to stop.
@Foodnerd81: I know! He was so ill! He kept saying "I didn't drink enough to deserve this" and I said 1) You were incoherent when you got it. 2) Your liver can't process alcohol any more so what do you expect?
@Mrs. Sketchbook: What a dreadful situation. There was a couple out with DH (the girl is one of my local mum "friends") and they had their 8 week old baby out with them. Until midnight! They were both drunk and they got a taxi home with the baby in her car seat. DH said she slept all evening but I'm really, really appalled. The pub is full of loud, drunk people. What if something had happened? Who was sober enough to deal with an emergency? I honestly don't know if I want to meet up with her again. I wont be able to look at her the same.
@JoyfulKiwi: I think the difference was that he didn't need to be considerate of my feelings before. I'm very, very independent... and as far as this kind of thing goes, I would either have been out with my friends getting drunk or with him, getting drunk! He keeps telling me I need a hobby (erm, when do i have time for a hobby?!). It's clear that he's finding it a real strain having to consider me constantly.
EDIT: I've just worked out what the difference is in the UK - drinking isn't something you do alongside the evening's entertainment to enhance the experience, drinking is the main event here. You go out to "get drunk". Pubs are full of people sitting around just drinking. you can't go out and drink soft drinks because everyone's steaming and talking rubbish. It's just no fun at all. And it's just not done - why would you go out and not drink? You might as well stay home. That's the way it is here, certainly among out groups of friends....
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@JoyfulKiwi: brilliantly put, esp. re. counseling!
@cherrybee: it is sooo different in the UK, I agree. It's not just your group of friends, it's the whole culture! So I agree with you that his drinking isn't pathological in and of itself (masking other issues, indicative of a personal addiction issue, etc.); the problem is his being inconsiderate of you and E's wants and needs and failing to step up.
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As you well know, Europeans also aren't into the culture of counseling. It takes an extreme case for it to even be considered.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate through!
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