Hellobee Boards

I haven't quite figure this out myself. My family is aware of what we are dealing with to various degrees, and I have tried to be pretty honest with everyone if they ask if we are having kids. Some people are never going to get it, and are always going to say insensitive things even as much as you tell them thats not appropriate to say. That would be my sisters (all step), they had an easy time gettng pregnant and are never ever going to get this. They will be supportive but its outside their realm of possibilities so they are always saying stuff like just relax. My mother-in-law knows we are having a rough time, I don't hide it from her, but I also don't talk about it to her. I go to my own mom or my aunt who both get it (various forms of infertility) and get me and obviously share some of my family history. We told my mother-in-law so she wouldn't be in the dark and so my husband could reach out if he needed to. I think with your inlaws the best bet would be to not talk about this with them, you told them so they can hopefully stop asking you guys when you are having kids and all that. I think the best you can hope for is that they don't bring it up again. If they do that might be the time to say something about how its rude or hurtful. I wouldn't try and tell them those things without it happening again, it might do more harm then good. Be prepared for them to tell you that you are being too emotional or can't take a joke and decide how worth informing them is.

I think you are totally justified in feeling hurt. That's a crappy thing to say and not helpful to the heavy and emotional information you just shared with them. So just know that you are right to feel annoyed/hurt/sad by that kind of comment.

That being said - I wouldn't say anything unless you think your FIL is the type to be like 'oh gosh I'm so sorry that must have come across as incredibly insensitive - how do I move forward and be more supportive'... if that is the case, then by all means do it! With my FIL, it wouldn't get me anywhere so I would just have to decide if merely saying something would make ME feel better even if he didn't understand my point at all or end up offering any additional support.

@Tionn3: Yes have a comeback prepared for when they do say something but otherwise probably not worth trying. It sounds like they are going to say crappy things no matter what. Since your in-laws seem to be the biggest problem preserving that relationship while setting up boundaries is probably for the best.

I wouldn't mention anything until they did it again. I think it's better to correct and share your feelings in the moment vs bringing it up after a couple of weeks out of what feels like left field to them (even though it's clearly been on your mind for 2 weeks, it hasn't been on theirs).
It sounds like this is a regular occurrence for them so I would just let it happen and then say something.
But, I'm pretty non confrontational...so maybe My answer isn't the best way to handle

I did IVF for our son 3 years ago. One of my biggest regrets is letting anyone in our families know. I am very personal though - so I didn't like them knowing our timeline or asking how it was going.
I eventually told both sides (but mostly my MIL) that I didn't want to talk about it at all. My MIL and I aren't close, but she wants to be (super overbearing). I just didn't feel comfortable talking about my TTC journey with her, but my husband felt that if my mom knew his should know. My FIL is also pretty insensitive and has zero tact, so I really didn't want to discuss it with him.
Sure enough, like HOURS after my husband told her I'm not comfortable talking about this and please don't mention it, she tried to have a heart to heart with me about it. Thanksgiving Day, nonetheless. She did one cycle on clomid to conceive my husband and she thought that sorta gave her the right to talk about it despite my wishes. Anyway, I literally turned around and walked away while she was mid sentence. That seemed to do the trick. Lol. But I could do that since I clearly had already let her know it was off limits.
She also later told my husband IVF isn't a big deal anymore. Okayyyyy....WTF?

Blahhhh blah blah - all of this to say, if you wait till they mention it - then state calmly in the moment that it's upsetting and to limit their comments to those of support - and if they do it again or don't respond appropriately, then you can be a bit more angry or aggressive.

It also sounds like maybe they don't know much about infertility if they are making those kinds of comments. So I would take advantage of that and give them as little info as possible about what you're doing and timeline. But again, that's me.

Lastly - we have done 2 more rounds of IVF for LO2. It has not been successful. But we haven't told ANY of our family this time. We learned from last time. It's SO much less stressful knowing that my MIL isn't like tracking my cycle. I don't need her or even my mom/sister who I'm close with knowing when I will be POAS. I have told those I wanted to tell (other IF friends for example) and that has been all the support I need. If we get pregnant again, I'm literally not telling any family until I cannot possibly hide it any longer. Hopefully like 20 weeks. Lol.

I feel like this is a super long rant so I apologize. It's just fresh on my mind and hits home. I feel for you!

@psw27: I LOVE that prepared response!

@Tionn3: I would agree on only saying something if it happens again.

And in my case, I handle my family, DH handles his. I make sure he knows what my triggers are so that if someone says something insensitive, he knows that I need him to say something for me (a lot of our triggers are loss related, so if I attempted to say anything back I'd most likely lose it).

In general, though, we don't really talk about what testing we're going through and stuff like that except to people who are truly interested, understanding, and would just simply "get" it.

His family only gets the basics because his mom thinks his sister has MS because she had a head injury once (I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way). And when my 5 year (at the time) old nephew had cancer, she said God made it happen so that he could be healed and people would believe. So medically (and religiously), we don't really see eye to eye. I'm not sure DH may or may not tell her on his own, but I don't share too much with them.

But my SIL is interested and intrigued by what I've learned through IF, and my mom is a nurse and understands the basics of medicine, so I share more openly with them.

I'm pretty sure if DH's family knew how many pills and shots I take, they'd think I was fully off my rocker. So I just avoid it.

@Tionn3: The most charitable thing we've come up with to say to people who push about why we don't have kids or that we should have kids, etc., is that DH will say "Sometimes, it's just not that easy"

We figure if we tell someone we have IF or are struggling, it sort of opens the door for them to ask prying questions or saying things that might be hurtful. But by being vague, they normally get the point and change the subject. We've only really talked about IF with other people that are going through it or really close friends that we know will react appropriately.

While I wish it could be a less taboo subject, I think it still is mostly because people don't realize how insensitive their gut reactions can be. And we prefer to not have to deal with risking that.

@Tionn3: You would think that saying "we are struggling to get/stay pregnant" is enough to trigger some sort of sensitivity but.... people are dense.

@SweetiePie: Ha. Sadly, we might. But my mom is a good MIL to my SIL - at least I think. My mom never asks about having a baby or barges into their lives for long visits!

@psw27: Yeah, my mom is pretty chill too. She minds her own business but she's there if you need her. I really hope I can be that way!

Sometimes, with the right people, it can be very effective to start crying. Then walk away. Instead of stuffing my emotions down once or twice I just let myself burst into tears. Only in front of people I knew were well meaning, amd they were horrified that they had been hurtful. Otherwise I also like the calm, pre-practiced statement.

People just say stupid things because they don't know what else to say. I remember the hurt a lot of people I loved caused me during my struggles with infertility but I just let them roll off me because they just didn't get it. I would just tell them less, and not go to them for support. I personally wouldn't say anything I just wouldn't have him be a person I would talk to about it any further.