DS is 15 months and in the past two weeks has started throwing full on tantrums when he is frustrated. Like on the ground, screaming, crying, flinging himself around. I know this is probably just a phase but it's brutal. Any advice on how to deal with it? Ignore? Comfort without reacting? Try to distract or divert?
I feel like everything we do is making it worse. How long did the tantrum stage last for you? Any tips? Help!
persimmon / 1363 posts
I think that what to do with tantrums is about as fraught as what to do about sleep! For us, my LO has always had tantrums. I always comfort and try to give her words for her feelings. We had a lot from about 12 to 22 months, and less now that she can talk more but we still have them. There are a lot of different theories about tantrums, though! Ignoring them apparently makes them last the shortest. Some people see them as a chance to start setting boundaries or a disciplinary event.
persimmon / 1458 posts
Right there with you. My son is 17 months and they have recently started. Not sure what approach will work for him but so far we have been able to redirect him.
With my oldest I found that the best thing for him was to let him know that I was there for him and rubbed his back or hugged him. At times he didn't want to be touched but I found that he wanted me close to him. If I tried to redirect or ignore or walk away it made him rage more. I felt his tantrums were very emotional and not behavioral and therefore discipling him didn't feel right and wasn't going to work for him anyway.
I think it may be about trial and error and doing what works for your LO.
papaya / 10343 posts
My LO is 16 mo and I suspect we haven't reached full tantrum level because right now my LO is always able to be calmed pretty fast and I'm sure at some point that won't be true at some point. Right now when she tantrums usually all I have to do is pick her up and talk to her. I can spin her, take her to pet these dog pics we have up that she loves. That generally works for her. But sometimes I can't pick her up (like most often she tantrums bc she wants to be picked up and I can't because I'm doing something with both hands). If I need to be doing stuff for a bit I wear her (on my back) to avoid the tantrum all together but if it is like a 5 min thing... I just let her scream. Sometimes mama has got to do something and I can't hold her and well.... so far she has survived lol.
kiwi / 567 posts
Thanks, guys.
@Rockies11: I agree that this is as tricky as sleep! It's a good reminder that we got through that and will get through this.
@Canoli: I've been doing a similar thing, just staying close to him and letting him know I'm there. The issue is when we are outside (a big trigger is when he isn't allowed to push his bike across the busy street 
or when it's time to come inside). I can't tell if I should bring him inside for a timeout or just let him calm down and keep playing. Plus it's embarrassing in public. 
@Mae: I have a few distraction techniques but they are working less and less. Plus the line between distracting and "rewarding" the tantrum is hard for me. I am trying to pay more attention to the triggers so we can avoid it all together. Of course, he never does this at daycare or for anyone else!
Anyone have any great book recs on how to cope?
papaya / 10343 posts
@Little Misters Mom: I guess I always follow the idea that I can always provide comfort (if I'm able) as long as I don't budge on what it is she wants. Like if she is tantruming because she wants to chew on the remote and I won't let her... I don't consider it rewarding her to cuddle on her and calm her down. My job (IMO) is to comfort her when she is sad. That doesn't mean she gets what she wants (remote). But I can be there for her during that tough moment. The exception of course is when she is tantruming bc what she wants is for me to pick her up and I can't pick her up because I'm say... trying to take 2 minutes to cut up her food for dinner. I can't cut food and hold her at the same time so she's just going to have to wait and I'll pick her up when I'm done because that is when she was going to be picked up anyways.
persimmon / 1458 posts
@Little Misters Mom: mean mommy that won't let her child push toys in a busy street 
one of my LO triggers too is coming inside. It's like dude I worked all day and am carrying 50 bags, I have to pee and we need to eat we can't play outside! Ugh toddlers, they are tough.
I was just thinking another trigger is when we are inside and he wants to go outside he brings us shoes and then goes to the front door and gets pissed when we don't follow his lead. The bringing shoe thing is cute but.........
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
We had a hardcore bout of tantrums around that age. Then she had her first verbal explosion and it got SO much better. Around 20 months she started up with tantrums again but those have been different - more about wanting to control than the lack of ability to express herself.
For example, she would throw fits at the top of the stairs like 10 times a day. When she learned to say, "Hop up," meaning, "Carry me," she stopped throwing fits and would just say that - meaning I want you to carry me downstairs now.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
We did a mix of both. i would be empathetic to an extent, but at some point, too, I just had to ignore it and walk away, because the tantrumming seemed to be extended while I sat there and tried to comfort her. 20 minutes later, i'm still holding her and she's just screaming and screaming. And lord knows I couldn't spend hours every day dealing with tantrums. But if I ignored it, she stopped in a few minutes. So for us, they were *very* situational. I would tell her something to the effect of, "come find me when you're ready". But I notice that even to this day (E is 28 months), when she is upset, she goes to her room and shuts the door and wants to be alone. So I think that's just how she deals. Another phrase I used for awhile was to "leave your tantrum behind".
kiwi / 567 posts
@daniellemybelle: Thanks. I was actually just commenting to DH that DS is going through a major language explosion.
@blackbird: This is really helpful. I have been feeling like I need to find a plan and stick to it (consistency!) but you're right. The reasons for the tantrums are different, so we need to do what feels right in each situation.
nectarine / 2987 posts
My line is "I will help you calm down when you stop screaming" Then I walk away if possible. Once the screaming decreases to a dull roar then I will help soothe and calm.
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