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Ooh, that's rough. I agree that I would not be happy if my mom did that. She's essentially trying to orchestrate things behind your back. Not cool. Everyone is different about this stuff, but here's my experience: I'm a pretty private person. So I wanted no one actually IN the hospital room but my husband and hospital staff. And absolutely no one staying in our actual house with us. We were in a pretty small apartment, so it just wasn't an option anyway, but I think I would have felt the same in a larger space. I need my privacy. We lived far from both our families, so what ended up happening was my parents and sister arrived a few days before my son was born, and stayed for several weeks after. However, they all stayed at an Airbnb together. It was cheaper than a hotel. I feel like that worked really well. My ILs didn't even try to come right away, they came to visit when he was eight weeks old and they also stayed in a hotel. I was happy with how it worked out. Also, no one even asked to stay with us, they just automatically made arrangements to stay elsewhere.

Now, if my ILs had wanted to come early, we would have had to compromise. I don't think it's fair for your mom to feel she has any greater claim over the baby than your husband's mom because she's your mother. And in the end, what really matters the most is what YOU want. I assume you were comfortable having your MIL stay with you for a bit--given that you already told her she could, I don't really think it would be fair to uninvite her.

1- That was out of line for your mom to go around you to your husband with such strong statements.

2- From my experience get on the same page with your husband, formulate the plan that will make YOU & HIM happiest; then tell the parents what it is. I know that might sound harsh, but you're starting your family, you will be recovering from birth and trying to figure out this whole parent thing. It is not about anyone else.

My plan was to have alone time with my husband & baby before the grandparents came to see the baby. I lied to my husband and told him no one was allowed in the recovery room but the spouse because his parents know no boundaries and I didn't want them to weasel him about getting in when I wasn't there to say no. I apologized for lying later, and he was smart enough to not ask what was going on when other people were in the recovery area seeing babies.

ETA: Since it was a planned c/s all the parents were in the waiting room. My mom & dad were worried since it was my first surgery, but then everyone was also excited to find out the gender and meet the baby. They came up once we were on the mothers & babies floor. My mom gave my MIL the chance to hold him first, she said no you should, so my mom basically ran me over getting to the baby

I wish I would have been more direct with what I wanted once we got home. I knew there was a chance my husband was going to be called in on a night shift since county was so short staffed, and I knew I was afraid to be home alone days post c-section with a newborn... But my mom and I aren't great communicators sometimes (even though we have a great relationship). She wanted to come stay with me, my dad told her she probably should, I wanted her to come stay, but we never talked about it and so I was home alone 5 days post c-section overnight. I should have called her, and my mom and dad would have drove the 100 miles in the middle of the night.

So all that to say decide what you want, be firm, and don't be afraid to ask for help or less company depending on how it goes.

Wow this is tough. I'm like @MrsSCB: in that I wanted no one but my husband and medical staff in the delivery room. In fact we didn't tell anyone I was even in labor until I was en-route to the hospital because I just didn't want people 'waiting around' on me to have the baby. Sure it's all from love and excitement but it's a source of stress for me all the same.

We also did not allow anyone to stay at our house with us after the birth. My in-laws are a few hours drive so they came up during labor and visited us in the hospital after we were moved to the post-partum room, and again the next day for a while before we were discharged. Then they came to the house the day after that and made us food and then left. Returned a week later for a couple days to visit, but again - did not stay at our house. I was pretty clear though from the start that no one would be at the hospital, either in the room or the waiting area, and we would not be hosting people at our house.

My parents live a 10-hour drive away so they came about 3-4 weeks after LO arrived and stayed for about a week at an Air BnB style place nearby. Again, we got lots of time together but we also had our space.

I don't see an issue with both moms coming at the same time if they're not staying with you. But if this is the option you want to have - then it's possible to compromise. Really though I would give yourself some time to think and talk with your partner about what YOU want and how you think you will feel during and after the birth.

Also think about things like - what will each mom want to do/how are they helpful? Who are you comfortable with seeing you potentially at your most vulnerable? Does one tend to cook and clean and help, while you get to bond with your newborn? Do you think one will want to just hold the baby the whole time while you do all the rest? How do they act when they come visit outside of being there for a new baby?

Just give yourself permission to be selfish about this decisoin because it's time you will never get back and it's often the start of setting boundaries with your parents about your family dynamics and space as a whole. Listen to yourself and stay unified with your partner and it will work out fine.

@Sams Mom: Agree with all of this. Decide what you want and be firm.

My family all lives close so thankfully no one needed to stay at our house. I didn't want anyone staying with us - I wanted to enjoy the time with my husband and baby. Some people acted like that was outrageous and we would need help but two adults are totally capable of taking care of a newborn.

My first thought when reading your post is that YOUR recovery and your new family’s needs should come first when giving birth and post partum... I understand “denying them” the experience of staying with you, but the first few days are a blur of bleeding and sore boobs and no sleep, so having multiple guests during that time may not necessarily be pleasant for anyone!

So like others have said, I’d be direct and honest about what your needs are. If having your mom there first is what you want, that’s perfectly reasonable. If you want time to just be the three of your for a few days, that’s wonderful too. It’s not selfish, it’s caring for yourself so you can care for your newborn. Full stop. These conversations are never easy, but see if you can get on the same page with DH first and make a plan from there. If you end up setting boundaries, it’ll be good to set them now since those issues tend to not go away once the baby arrives Good luck!

ETA: And congrats on your pregnancy! I also went through IVF (fresh transfer for baby #1 and FET for this newborn in my arms). Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

UGH. The texting thing. My Dad has gotten involved with our family affairs before when I'm not agreeable and he goes and emails my husband without me knowing it. It drives me crazy and drives my husband crazy, too b/c then he is put in the middle and it's not his place!

I find the postpartum period so stressful and so hard. I would not want 2 moms at my house at that time. Would it be possible for them if they are both coming in for the birth to stay at a hotel? That would really give you the space you need during that time.

In laws are 45 mins away, my parents are 3.5 hrs away. No one got to be in the delivery room for either birth and it wasn’t even a topic of discussion. For our first, in laws visited us in hospital for a short visit which was fine, my parents came 3-4 days after we got home overnight 1 night and in laws came for short visits whenever after that. We were a bit awkward and self conscious and VERY emotional about our first days at home and really didn’t want anyone else there. It was totally overwhelming. For our second, in laws stayed with our son and came to hospital again which was fine and they left the day we came home. My parents didn’t end up coming for a month because my mom had shingles. Second time was way easier to have help and invite people to visit.

I agree with what someone else said that maybe you should just say they’ll have to wait and see what you feel like when baby comes. Also determine if your partner will take leave and when. After that could be a good time to have people come to stay for extended visits and you guys have your time together. But only if you want! Personally I don’t like hospital visits because it’s so crowded and impersonal and they’re checking on you a million times so I would wait for visits at home but definitely consider no one staying over until you’re home for a bit, or do a hotel. It’s a crazy overwhelming time so the last thing you need is house guests and drama. Set those boundaries now even if it’s a tough conversation.

Ugh - this is so hard. In my experience (and I am sure this doesn't apply to all moms so I hope I don't offend anyone) but the moms and MILs who say "I will be there" are doing it for more selfish reasons than those who say "what do you want? is it helpful for me to stay with you or is it easier for me to get a hotel?" The former want to see and dote on their grandbaby, which is fantastic, but the latter are trying to do that while considering what the new parents need. And from what I've seen with my family and my friends' families, its the former whose long stays get annoying quickly, while the latter are the ones to help with cleaning, or taking care of other kids, and all the other stuff that really counts. All that to say - I agree with previous posters about deciding what works best for you and letting them know. If they aren't keeping your needs at the front of this then you have to.

@JennyPenny: yes, agree. My MIL wants to be here all the time, but it’s for HER not for me. If she gave a shit about what I want or what helps me, a weekly visit from her would not be it, let me tell ya.

I did not want to share my postpartum experience with my parents or my MIL. (FIL is deceased.) I wanted time to bond as a nuclear family. I also wanted the physical and emotional space to establish a breastfeeding relationship in my apartment without worrying about flashing anyone.

My husband took three weeks off the first time. He then changed jobs and got eight weeks off when our twins were born! We did not really need additional help. I thought I would need additional help with the twins and considered hiring a night nurse, but my husband wanted more privacy so we agreed to wait and only hire someone if we really needed it. We wound up functioning pretty well on our own.

That being said, I acknowledge that the grandparents wanted to see the babies. So, I invited them to visit us in the hospital AFTER (1) labor & delivery (2) golden hour and (3) some rest/recovery.

I remember my parents kept bugging my husband to come visit immediately after the twins were born, and I kept telling him that they couldn't come until my IV was removed and I had peed (because otherwise they were threatening to give me a catheter, and I did not want visitors until that situation was resolved). They wound up coming in the evening around 7 or 8pm. The babies had been born just before 2pm the same day. They also came the next day, and tried to invite themselves back the last day before we came home, but I declined.

My MIL and her husband came the next day because they felt it was too late to drive over that evening by the time I felt ready for visitors.

Honestly, the second day was sort of annoying because I had four grandparents plus my 4yo there, and it was just a lot of talking and interrupting, and it was distracting me from nursing and pumping and focusing on my 4yo. But I felt that this gave me license to go home and tune everyone out while I focused on my newly expanded nuclear family because I had already allowed them to meet the babies.

I am really glad that I did not allow waiting room warriors, and that I was clear up front that I needed a few weeks to establish breastfeeding before I would be open to visitors. That was the best choice for me personally, and it allowed me to have the postpartum experience I wanted/needed.

That being said, once my husband went back to work after the twins, I was very grateful to have after school help from my parents. Juggling a 4yo and two infants during the witching hour is no joke!!!

Sorry this was so long.

@foodiebee: PPs gave you good advice. Your mom seriously overstepped and did something disrespectful to both you and your husband, so that needs to be addressed. It seems like you have a strained relationship—is your mom helpful when she comes to your house or does she have to be “entertained”?

I let my mom (my dad passed when I was in college) and my in laws all come when we had our kids. The first time, we staggered their visits and the second time, my in laws had a tight schedule (they were leaving to go to Europe) so the visits overlapped a little and it was fine. But my mom and my MIL are supremely helpful. I didn’t have to lift a finger—my mom cleaned, did laundry, and baby held if I asked (like if I was showering or wanted a nap), and my MIL always comes and cooks every meal for us. And my MIL is old school and is always encouraging rest, eat, and drink and will tell my husband to bring me drinks and stuff. My mom is really good about doing her own thing too—she’s extremely active and goes out 1-2 times a day to exercise or just run errands for us, so she’s not just hovering all day.

So in my case, it was pretty nice. I actually felt so well rested my first month post partum because I had so much help—I got my nails done (by myself), saw a movie in the theater with DH (no baby), got to take naps. Then they all left and reality set in, lol.

But I have read enough horror stories here to know a lot of grandparents do not put their postpartum daughters/DIL first when it comes to visits. So you really need to sit down and think about how likely they are to be helpful or to make things worse, and then make your decisions accordingly with your husband.

My husband only got 1 week of paternity leave, so in both cases he went back to work immediately when or parents were around to help me, and then he took off after they left.

I don't have time to read all above at the moment but my take is this. If you would like someone else to be there to help, pick based on who will actually help. Helping is doing dishes, making food, keeping the house clean, taking the baby for 30-1 hour each day so you can shower. Helping is not taking the baby so you "can get things done". You also need it to be someone who you are comfortable with if they are staying at your house.

If your mom or mil don't fit that bill tell them you are sorry but they can't stay with you. They can visit for some time during the day but need other sleeping accommodations.

My mom stayed with us with our first and will stay with us for our second. This works awesome for us because she helps, is comfortable with both me and my husband and knows when to take a break in her room. If my mil stayed with us I would be stressed and trying to host. Not helpful for postpartum healing and bonding with baby

And to add to what @Mrs. Champagne said - I also find it annoying to have to leave to feed the baby. But I hated more that DH would feel like he needed to stay and keep the company company rather than be helpful himself.

Don't have anyone there for the birth, it's something for you and your husband to experience. We did no visitors for the first two weeks and it was great. You don't want people in your house underfoot when you get home from the hospital. Let the mothers take turns visiting after two weeks has passed.

I can only comment on what I liked or wanted after birth. I have a pretty close relationship with my mom, and I like my MIL a lot, but she’s not my own mom. Luckily, almost as soon as we told mil I was pregnant she said she would like to come and stay after the baby was born but that of course I would want my own my there first. Which I did.

They staggered their visits so my mom came up (5 hours drive away) right after the birth, then she went home for a week and came back and stayed for a week. I personally liked havig the time home alone with me, DH, and the new baby. I didn’t have a c/s and had a pretty easy recovery- I don’t know if I would have wanted more help of recovery had been worse. MIL came out a few days after my mom left and stayed with us for about a week. By then I felt more comfortable wth things, wasn’t leaking and figuring out breastfeeding quite so much, and having some help so I could shower in peace and things like that were nice.

Good luck. I hope you can figure out what will make YOU the most comfortable and supported- remember you are the one giving birth, not either parent, and no one has a “right” to your baby but you and your husband.

MIL was there before/when the baby was born (but not in the delivery room). There was a quick fight with DH about whether she would ride to the hospital with us when I was in labor - DH knew in advance I did not want this and put his foot down very hard and told her to leave. She was not vey respectful of our wishes (i.e. kept taking photos with flash when we told her not to) and ended up getting in a huge fight with DH in the hospital lobby while we were waiting for the valet to bring the car. It sucked but did not ruin my birth experience.

My mom wanted to be there for the birth but had very limited vacation leave and I politely pointed out that the baby might be late and she would not get to see LO at all if she came for the due date. She was very upset with me for an extended period as she interpreted it as me not wanting her there for the birth, but in the end chose to come a couple of weeks after the birth. It was a good thing, as LO did indeed arrived over a week late.

In an ideal world we would have had family all come a bit later, as my parents ultimately ended up doing. But arguing for that wasn't a hill I was willing to die on.

@foodiebee: I don't really have anything to add, I think everyone's responses have been spot on. I just want to say that if you don't think your mom will cook and clean I would be very hesitant to have her stay immediately after birth. I found that to be a super stressful time when you're just trying to figure everything out and your emotions are all out of wack, it's really just survival. I would have found having someone else's strong opinion (and mother's opinions usually tend to come on quite strong) during that time SUPER unwelcome. My guess is your mother will have some wildly different opinions on baby care than what is recommended now just because of when she had kids, (ie. nursing, sleeping on back, etc.). You'll be in a much better place emotionally to handle all that a few weeks in.

@foodiebee: I agree with everyone about deciding what might be best for you, DH, and baby, and then just telling everyone else the plan. If they are upset that sucks, but your recovery and initial bonding time are more important.

I agree with @mrs. Champagne: in the first few weeks after birth you're going to be waddling around, potentially topless a lot, uncomfortable, and hormonal (yay birth!). Learning to breastfeed can be stressful and take a lot of time. I had milk shooting out everywhere. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with anyone being my space for extended periods during that time, but it depends on how close and comfortable you are with your mom and MIL.