Hellobee Boards

@codeitall: We want a third too. I feel like I just went back to work (Sept 2017) from DS mat leave and I'd like to work a bit longer before going off again but my biological clock is a tick tocking away, I'll be 39 this year. Timing is off for other reasons too but I think I've resolved that I just need to bite the bullet and go for it.

I used to want four kids, but #2 has made me think that three might be it for us. Haha! My girls are 22 months apart, and the youngest is almost 18 months old. I'm nowhere near ready for another, even though I'm certain I want at least one more. I think we'll probably get lax with birth control when DD2 turns 2, and see what happens.

There are financial considerations, too. The longer we wait, the closer DD1 is to kindergarten. (I also work full time.) I'd really like to pay for 3 full time childcare bills for a short a period of time as possible! I'm also starting a new job next month, and want to give that a minute before many any major announcements.

Our first 2 were both completely unplanned. I had a lot of health issues that impacted my fertility and while we were getting me tested for IVF, we also found out we had significant male factor issues with DH, so we were given like almost no chance of conceiving naturally.

Except WHILE I was getting testing, I found out I was pregnant with DS1. Then right before DS1 turned 1, we found out we were pregnant again. So our sons are 20 months apart.

That age difference was/is tough in a lot of ways, but professionally it was especially tricky because I took one year off for maternity leave with DS1 and I literally announced I was pregnant again within a month of coming back to work! I barely eeked in enough hours of work to qualify for FMLA by the time DS2 was born. And then I took another year off. (I work for the government, job protection, yada yada).

OBVIOUSLY I got some deep side-eye at work, but they knew we had fertility issues and that DS2 was a surprise so they were kinda like well, I guess you just decided to knock out all your kids at once, whatever. Everyone assumes we're done, especially because they see how ragged I am with a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old.

BUUUUUT DH and I have agreed our family doesn't feel done yet. I just turned 37, so I think we're probably planning on trying in the next 6-12 months and see if we can knock out another miracle baby naturally. If not and age becomes an added factor, we will likely move to adoption or fostering, but that relaxes our timeline and we can take our time figuring it out.

If we end up with a 3rd child next year, then DS1 will be turning 5 and starting kinder and DS2 will be 3. Assuming he's potty trained by then, we will likely move DS2 from our current daycare to join the on-campus preschool at DS1's school, which only takes potty trained 3 year olds. The school is like 200 yards from our house, so huge score.

I will probably only be able to take about 6 months off work with a 3rd child, instead of the full year, but I will look to go back part-time and try to work school hours.

Our area literally has no daycares that do infant care, so we're kind of up a creek here for childcare on #3. I think we'll either have to hire a part-time nanny or a baby sitter of some sort to come watch the baby while I'm at work. DH works from home, so there's a little bit of comfort in that, but I've never had to leave a baby that young, so its unclear.

I am super lucky to have a flexible job and we are basically going to have to spend a lot of money on childcare until #3 is able to attend preschool, but its temporary and we have zero family around us to help, so our childcare costs are just going to be higher.

@autumnmama79 that is what I struggle with too. I am already starting to dread coming back after 12 weeks with this baby but staying home is no walk in the park either. Similar to you, my first leave I missed work much to my surprise.

I do think that as the kids get older and it is more activity/homework/school stuff it is nice to have the flexibility to be home more (that is my goal in the long run). Curious to see how this leave will go and where I end up with a new role. There is no one size fits all or right answer, I just each year/each baby try to realistically figure out what works.

@MACSUNSHINE: Your last sentence reminded me that it will get figured out. The whole working/not working/daycare/nanny situation, it'll be resolved when the time comes and whatever it is will be temporary anyways. I guess just anticipating the stress of making those decisions slightly worries me.

To that note, I'm trying to remind myself that though the timing is not great right now logistically, all that is temporary and our family is forever. The decision we make now, while may make the next 5 years challenging, to add another life to our family would be incredible.

I want 3-4, and have always liked the 2.5 yearish age gap. Thankfully that means no more than 2 in daycare at a time. I only have 2 kids so far and they're 2 yr 9 months apart and it was great so I feel comfortable repeating it again.

We were planning on two kids. Baby #2 turned out to be twins.

I guess the lesson is that you never know, your Baby #3 could be twins too!

For me, the age gap I wanted in between my kids was the main factor. I wanted 3 and I wanted them close in age. The 1st two are 20 months apart and there is exactly two years in between the 2nd and 3rd. I also had my kids later in my 30s so I didn’t want fertility to become an issue. Luckily it didn’t. I also WOH.

The most important timing consideration is how long you're able to have children. It sounds so obvious, but for a long time I think I assumed I wouldn't have trouble conceiving and menopause was sooo far away. I sort of thought of it as turning on a switch—sex Ed programs certainly made it sound like pregnancy was a given without contraception. We haven't been to a fertility doctor, but it took us two years to conceive our second child. It made me realize that whoa, this isn't as easy as I thought and there are no guarantees.

We really want six kids, but I'm 33, so I don't know how things will turn out (we have two and are trying for our third). We waited and waited to start before our first because we wanted to be more financially secure, but looking back, I wish we had started sooner. I just think that we would have always found a way to make it work.

@codeitall: you are so organized! I've always wondered if I'd started younger if I just wouldn't be so freaking tired all the time. I have a friend who has my exact life set-up/living situation/baby sex-age situation, but she had her boy at 27.5 and I had mine at exactly 34. she is tired too though are you??

@nwm: I do know people who have three and a demanding career yet still manage the home life well (I can't imagine it, but I lack parenting experience and am not a natural ) I think they are underrepresented on hb, though.

@nwm: I can't tell you the number of times that I've heard men say something along the lines of "kids aren't that demanding to your career, it's only a half hour of playing with them in the evening before they go to bed". Hah, I assume their wife or MIL or someone is spending more time than that!

@nwm: wow, exactly! I turned 34 a few days after my first and turn 36 a few days after this one is due--and samesies with the boy-then-girl except I am throwing in the towel on city living, we're moving to NJ in a week. in talking about the move everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to keep working, and I keep doing a double take--who the hell can afford to NOT work?

I recall you talking about your career here before--feels like in your field you'd have to work for the government or something to go PT. you guys should start a thread though, sometimes it seems like a quarter of HB are lawyers! my dream would be working like 3.5/4 days a week, but I would take a MASSIVE pay cut--way more than 20%-- and I just feel like it would be hard to claw my way back if I wanted to go FT again. I think it's incredible that there are even two women at your office that have 3 in the city! if they have any tips post them here. I actually took a second to think about it and I know exactly one person in my *entire* NYC life who works and has 3 kids (well, she is pregnant with #3 right now)--she told me she's going to go PT and she doesn't give a shit about the money.

@MACSUNSHINE: I think the working with 3 thing is totally doable if you have a lot of support in the way of family help, a career with family-friendly hours where you don't get side-eye for leaving "early" at 5pm, plus other factors like not having a shitty commute or living in a high COL area. maybe I'm just intimidated at the thought of it all, but seems to me like if any of those things went away it would be pretty tough. I really love your perspective on daycare as a short-term expense, I'm adopting that moving forward

@LCTBQE: I'm not really ready to let go yet of the idea of wanting three, but I doubt my husband would ever spring for it - and I don't blame him, he's being sane and realistic With our jobs/expected commutes from somewhere with good schools and semi-affordable housing, the only way I could imagine doing it is with a good nanny so there wouldn't be drop-offs/pick ups and sick days x3. That and/or family help that I'd fully trust.

@nwm: You can definitely do it, it just would cost a lot. Like, for me to go full-time in my job (I'm a government attorney) and support 3 kids and keep up with our house, I'd need to hire a full-time nanny and we'd probably need to bump up our housecleaner to every week instead of twice a month. We intend to send our kids to private school, so on top of that tuition, we'd have to keep a nanny or sitter on payroll to pick up and drop off the kids to their various activities as they got older and I would imagine our food costs would go up related to eating out or takeout or meal services.

Unfortunately, a government attorney salary isn't as generous as a private sector salary, so all that would eat up a huge amount of my salary. Nannies in our area are pretty expensive for a variety of reasons, but mostly because there AREN'T that many to begin with, and we would personally feel like we needed to offer health benefits and everything else a full-time job entails. DH and I are also very strict about hiring licensed professionals and doing everything by the book (we're both attorneys and DH hopes to be a judge some day), so that means higher costs for things. We even have our accountant handle payroll, which we also then have to pay for.

@LCTBQE: @looch: @gingerbebe: very good points— it occurred to me after I posted that maybe those moms of three just don’t have time anymore to even do things like post on boards so they fly under the radar! And I’m sure you all are right—doable but expensive (like everything in some ways)!! I’m not even sure the going rate in our city for a nanny to take care of three kids (you hear two discussed much more often) and I’m a little afraid to find out

My first two were 2.5 years apart. #2 and #3 are 21 months apart. They're now 5, almost 3, and 1. It's.....a lot. I also WOH and we have grandma-care. There's no way we would be able to afford daycare.

@Autumnmama79: I am trying for a third. This is my first month off of birth control. After a 2.5 year gap between my first two, we wanted at least a three year gap between numbers two and three. My kids will be 3 and almost 5.5 (and in kindergarten) when I give birth if I am successful in the first month. To be honest we would prefer a bigger gap, I don't really have a handle on the two I have, but at 38 I don't have the luxury of waiting.

@Autumnmama79: I'm pulling my IUD tomorrow, but planning on waiting for a few months. I just got my body back (my 15 month old finally stopped nursing.) We have a 28 month gap and will be hoping for about the same again. I will probably start trying in July/August.