Hellobee Boards

@Chillybear: That's a tricky one!! Does he get much time alone with your LO?

I don't think my husband really 'got it' until I left to go back to work at 7 weeks and he was alone with LO all during the work day. Is here some time where you can leave your LO alone with him for an afternoon so they can bond? Maybe make it a once a week thing that, say, Saturday mornings are when you go to Target, get a pedi, get coffee and read in a coffee shop, etc.?

We have a sort of similar dynamic, but I sah so obviously I spend WAY more time with her than DH does. I don't really have any advice, but I do know he interacts more and more as she gets older and more... well, interactive. She's almost 2 and really responds more so I think it's more fun for him. Plus I'm pregnant and it's kicking my a$$ lately so he's been doing more with her to give me a break.

But we have the same issues with the phone and work-martyr syndrome. Work, I try not to complain too much because I know he would rather be home than at work, even if I feel sometimes he should step back and let someone else deal with it. The phone, sometimes I flat it say, you only have half an hour with her before bed, wouldn't you rather play with her than read something on reddit that you can read after bedtime?

Sorry no advice but it's nice to know that other people have the same issue, right?

I would try to find good activities for them to do together and try to set it up.

I'm still trying to find things that my DH can do with her that aren't tv or tickle/wrestling. I want him to also work on teaching her things. Recently he took her fishing and I think they both enjoyed it. He also was doing some house projects and let her get out a paint brush and "help" wash stuff.

I don't really feel fully able to give advice because I've been doing this less time than you-- my LO is only 13 mo. But I think our husbands are similar in some ways. My husband is very dedicated to work and always gives 110% there, sometimes at the expense of our home life. He's a great and very caring husband and very helpful around the house and has always done all the stuff he has to do with LO (like he's always been willing to change diapers, feed her, etc)... but I have definitely felt (more so in the past but still sometimes now) like he doesn't enjoy our LO. Especially when she was a newborn, he wasn't really excited to see her when he got home from work. It would really hurt my feelings that he'd get home from work and if she was napping he'd be like "yay!" rather than like "aw I missed her."

Now he is a lot better with her. He definitely enjoys hanging out with her... sometimes. She is more fun now that she runs around and giggles and is funny. But she's also not ALWAYS fun. And he has no guilt about not wanting to be with her all the time. It's something I do struggle with because even when she is a pain in the ass, there isn't really anywhere I'd rather be than with her. And I wish he felt that way too.

So it's not like I have it figure out. But here are the things I tell myself that make me feel better. First, I'm a mom. I've got the hormone thing happening. I think bonding is harder for guys because they don't have the hormone thing, and also because we get this extended maternity leave to bond early and they don't. Second, not everyone is a baby/toddler person. I'm definitely not and neither is my husband. I think that I dealt with the crappy parts of babyhood better than he did, and I think I deal with our now starting toddlerhood better than he does, but neither of us really LOVE this stage of life. We are both really looking forward to when she is more of a kid who can like, speak in full sentences and play real games and whatnot. And as long as he is doing all the right stuff for her, I can't really fault him for his feelings, because he's trying. Lastly-- sometimes it is easy to want him to be THAT dad. The one we all probably know from somewhere who is so doting and waxes poetic about his baby and its just ALL SO MAGICAL but I think that is not the common guy. I know he loves her, and he loves me, and he tries. I think sometimes that has to just be good enough for right now.

(And for what its worth, part of his fathers day gift--which he has no idea about yet--is that I set up a golf date for him and one of his friends who is also a dad. The other wife/mom and I sort of laughed about the fact that we are sending the husbands away for fathers day... but we know it is what they'll really enjoy lol).

When I got norovirus, that made a huge difference! Not that I suggest it as a strategy, but I echo previous posters in suggesting time alone for them, even if it makes him nervous. DH will take DS for unlimited amounts of time...at home. But I've lately been encouraging him to take DS out and about as much as possible, and I think it's making a difference for them--mostly in DH's confidence level (he was doing great until potty training, which really stressed him out away from the house, but we're over that hurdle now).

As for the phone, we have a rule that between when daddy is done working (he works from home, but stops between 5 and 6 each day) and when LO goes down, both of our phones are put away (they're on in case we get calls, but we don't surf the internet, etc). I also use that time to do most of my housework, so that he is 90% parenting during those two hours. I'm not relaxing or anything, but having consistent time every night together has made a big difference. DS still has a mommy preference, but he and daddy have the coolest relationship, and there are whole weekend days that go by where he doesn't care about me at all

@Chillybear: My DH is similar.

For us I just don't think DH is fond of babies/toddlers. Once my DS hit age 4 (which I understand is still several years away for your LO) things improved a ton!! DH likes to do grown up things with his kids, not play blocks. So at age 4 he started taking him to football games (college), build stuff in the garage, playing t-ball, runs to home depot, etc and that is when their relationship got much better!

So it may take awhile but I wouldn't give up just yet!

As for the phone? No advice - DH is attached to that damn phone and man it ticks me off - he cant just sit in a room he must be on the phone!! For Valentines day I left a note that "I love you more than you love your phone"

@Raindrop: I totally do it with my phone too. But I'm home with her every day, all day, so I feel like I have loads of quality time with her, while his is so limited. But we both definitely need to be better about it, no question.

I think what helps keep DH engaged with DS is that he has regular things he's responsible for. Every night he gives him his bath, and approximately 1/2 the time he does bedtime. We also have a guideline of no phones at dinner/meals.

I think it's funny so many people think it's odd their DH doesn't feel guilty about not wanting to be with their LOs all the time. I love DS more than anything, but I definitely don't want to be with him all the time. Toddlers are exhausting! Cut yourselves or your SO's some slack for not wanting to be with them 24-7.

I stay home, while my husband commutes to work, full-time. He works out with a group of coworkers at 6am M-F, and plays on a Sunday soccer league. Needless to say, I do at least 75% of the solo care-taking. And yet, at nearly two, I can honestly say that DD shares a wonderfully close and meaningful relationship with her father.

From time to time, I'll find myself getting irritated when my husband throws some play-doh or blocks on the coffee table while he messes around on his phone. But, I'm totally guilty of this, too! Independent play is important, but when it comes to children, you really have to be conscious of where your head is at. My husband and I have had several discussions about being more intentional with our quality time. This means we both put down the technology at a certain point, and he is respectful of the work/home boundaries we've agreed upon and set up with his company.

Personally, I schedule 1-2 evenings out with some friends each month, and encourage my husband and daughter to spend their 1:1 time, out of the house. For example, I'll purposefully neglect to return DD's library books, instead leaving them by the door and suggesting they walk down to the library to pick out new ones. Or I'll make a point to get DD psyched for an evening ice cream parlor date with Daddy, so there's really no room to disappoint. Now, my husband arranges these father/daughter dates on his own, and genuinely enjoys them.

It's important for both parents to invest and engage. I feel it's especially crucial for fathers of daughters to find that connection, early on. It's easy to "not be a baby person" or be overwhelmed by toddlerhood, but then it's "I can't possibly connect with a nail polish obsessed tween" (not saying this is a given) or "I have nothing in common with a teenaged girl."

I'm sure your husband will find his stride. Just continue to encourage and be up front and passionate about those expectations; when it comes to their relationship and his efforts to assist with caretaking and household tasks.

What about certain things that just they do together?

Give him discreet tasks that are his deal and establish rituals that are just for them. My DH always gets DS in the morning, gives bath at night, and they usually have some play time in the morning after breakfast so I can eat and have a cup of coffee. They also regularly do stroller walks/swing at the park and if we are both home with him, DH is in charge of diapers. If we are in public together, DH does the public restroom diaper situation. It gives DH set things to get good at and feel confident in and they have their own thing they do together. DH likes to put DS on his shoulders to ride and while I can do it too, I choose not to in order to have it be a special dad thing. Over time I've seen DH share interesting observations he's caught about DS and I'll say "oh really??" or "oh yeah, I noticed that too!" and that I think encourages him to pay attention. DH has the phone problem but I said something like "if you always talk to me or DS while playing with your phone he will learn to not make eye contact with people while they talk and it's incredibly rude and distracting in a professional setting." And then I pretended to talk to him while staring at my fingernails and he agreed it was rude. So now he tries really hard not to be on his phone so much.

Go away for a weekend! My DH has gotten better and better with DD as she gets older and less attached to my boob! (16 months) but what really helped was him having her alone for a full day here and there. I started a new job so he had to take over for a while on doing the sick days. I also went away a few weekends ago too and even that made a huge difference in his confidence levels with her.

I understand where you are coming from, my DH has a leadership role at work so he's constantly talking, explaining, and directing. Once he's home, his ideal way to unwind is in silence and reading news on the iPad or watching TV. On the week days, I just go with the flow and he will play with DD a little bit before bedtime. He comes home right before dinner so there's not too much time left. Once Friday comes around, I let her stay up later so she can hang out longer and the weekends, I run errands solo on purpose so they have their time together.

@Chillybear: I agree with @BananaPancakes:, plan a weekend away for you. Go away for the full 24 hrs and let your DH handle your LO. Even if it's hard to go when you have stuff on the weekend, it will help in the long run.
Also, have your DH take over bath and bed time. My DH does this and he has his own routine he does with her and gets to play and rough house with her. She is also 22months.
I think too that something that helped us was to really lay it all out in a big adult conversion about what you need him and how you want to see him do those things. Being very clear and calm in your detailed discussion should help too!
Good luck!