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I'm glad that you've found something that is working.

I don't really know what this theory is. Do you have an example or link to an article.

I don't know about any specific method called "Positive Parenting", although I've heard people describe techniques as such. I would be very interested in all of your resources @irene: because I often think back to a post you wrote some time ago (about your son acting out when you plan nice trips together and general ingratitude) when I'm struggling with similar issues. I think we react similarly when our children misbehave.

I love Janet Lansbury - she gives me a fresh perspective - but I always finish an article and think "what now?". Like, I now know what I shouldn't do (everything I was doing!), but you haven't told me what *to* do! Do I just let my kid run wild? If she hits me, Janet says I should block her like a ninja and repeat "I won't let you hit me". But..... surely she needs to know that hitting attracts consequences? Sorry, I'm venting now!

If it makes you feel any better, I did all those things (yelling, counting 1,2,3, timeouts, behaviour charts) to no avail. I was wondering what I was doing wrong, because the behaviour would stop in that moment, but it would happen again and again.

I began asking my son what I could do to help him understand what I was asking him and it was as if a light bulb went off for the both of us. Now, we have more constructive converstations around what is expected of him.

I am concerned though about what they're doing at school though. My son has reported that if you shout out in class, you get a few minutes knocked off your recess time, and I believe that to be not only in violation of district policy, but also, it doesn't address the behaviour, which is why some kids are losing recess time and time again.

Proud of you, irene!!!!

@irene: My FIL used to run parenting classes for our local council, for parents from disadvantaged communities (he was a school teacher before). The method and resources they used was called "Triple P", and it described itself as a positive parenting method. There's no denying that he is amazing with E, she behaves so well for him. My FIL has shared a lot with me but I feel like the techniques rely on me being 100% focused on E at all times - there is a lot of distraction, rewarding good behaviour with attention etc. Sometimes, I just need her to stop being a pain so I can unload the dishwasher! I will listen to the podcasts and come back here for chat!

@irene: its just the name of the method/reslurces. It stands for Positive Parenting Program.

@irene: oh i missed that part. Her approach is very similar to positive discipline...

@irene: haha, that's interesting that that was your perception of her. that's not at all how I perceive her parenting tactics...she is big on acknowledging that toddlers are whole people and that their emotions are normal and to respond calmly and confidently. but i guess that doesn't matter. glad you found something that works!

I feel like HB swings more to the positive discipline methods that are out there--there are a few. Obviously, there is a good amount of talk about time outs, too.

I've tried various positive discipline methods to various degrees of success. I'm saying lowercase positive discipline, so not a particular program, but any of the methods I hear about that aren't punishments for kids acting exactly their age. But....I'm still looking for what works for us.

One of the things I keep trying that doesn't seem to work for my kiddo is that sympathizing trick--like when she's tantrumming because she wasn't to watch TV and I won't let her, I try saying "I know you want to watch tv right now, and you really really want to watch it! But right now, mommy needs to make dinner, so you can either play with blocks or you can stand on a stool and help me make dinner". Nothing will sway her from the hour long tantrum--well, nothing other than the TV. She just won't stop the tantrum, no matter what I say. I even printed out a list of things to say and tried them all once in a particularly long tantrum and nothing worked. And it sucks when she's scream crying because it scares the baby, who also starts to scream cry.

Anyway, in those tough moments I just try to remember that positive parenting isn't permissive parenting. And I don't want my kid to be a tv zombie all day, so I will limit how much she gets, tantrums or not. But it is tough.

Glad you have found a method that works for your family though!

@Anagram: I know I shouldn't laugh..... But that image just cracked me up.

@irene: I enjoyed the yuck factor presentation. I do find that a lot of these methods focus around emotional outbursts, tantrums etc. I'm pretty good at handling these - and we don't have a huge issue with it. The behaviour I would like to tackle is the defiance and the deliberatly trying to wind me up - refusing to go to the toilet (then weeing herself), eating play doh, putting things in her mouth then running up to me to make sure I've seen that she has it in there, refusing to eat, spitting her drink everywhere for a reaction, jumping on the sofa.... I feel like nothing I do stops this, she LOVES defying me.

@Anagram: Ha totally been there with the time in. Not sure if that works for everyone.

@Cherrybee: My youngest loves defying, it is beyond frustrating.

@Anagram: oh yea that verbalizing the feelings causing the trantrums is definitely something that landed on the "doesn't work with my kid" list

I'll have to read this thread later. I'm signed up for a free class tomorrow.

@irene: an interesting tip that I read somewhere is that tantrums that repeatedly occur at a particular point of the day (like bath time, etc) are often just an overflow of energy, tension and emotion so finding another way to release that energy can help prevent the tantrum. One of the suggestions was to spend 5-10 minutes engaging in physical play or rough-housing and it does seem to work for us!

With regards to the handwashing challenge, would it work if you gave your son the choice of washing or sanitising? It still achieves the same aim but might take the battle out of it.

And FWIW I'm a believer in the "toolkit" approach to parenting, do some / lots of reading and use the bits that work for your family!

@irene: i think the reason no one talks about it is:

1. In cultures where it is common, no one can imagine it is not common.

2. In cultures where it is not common (like where I live, the deep south), people are very dismissive and take it very personally when you question their parenting.

3. Positive parenting requires a certain mindset and until you get there, you'll always think of it as hogwash. For example you called out orange rhino and Lansbury, but now you may not dislike them as well. Because you have changed, not the material. So lots of people who practice positive parenting assume that unless someone is looking to change their perspective, that it isn't valuable to talk to a person about it.

For the record I still dislike Lansbury's tone even if I largely agree with her! Anyone who preaches positive parenting but who has a dismissive tone toward parents burns me up. Parents are wounded children also.

Ok just one more thing I have to mention. Switching to positive parenting requires you to unpack your own childhood. If you are the type that believes children should be controlled, etc., It is probably because you were treated that way as a child. So to become a real "practitioner" of positive parenting you have to go through a grieving process and feel all those childhood feelings of shame. For me it was necessary to go through that so that i could practice self compassion in tandem with practicing compassion for my kiddo.

Switching to positive parenting had the side effect of forcing me to confront my mother on her abuse of me as a child! I'm just saying, choosing to change your parenting method to something else will create a domino effect on your life. You may be surprised at the outcome. Some people can't handle that amount of change. Status quo is safer.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: your unpacking the childhood comment has my attention. I have it pretty packed and during the time and since then have done plenty of counseling regarding childhood.

I feel very willing to switch gears to parent differently, but am at this point not willing to "go back" again for a variety of reasons and impacts on myself and others.

Feeling a little hung up on your comment that if I don't face it again (and I can't even figure out HOW I would at this point that hasn't already been done) that I can't make the shift I hope to make (and feel like I am failing at) as a parent.