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(US moms) Ideal maternity leave duration?

  • poll: Ideal maternity leave?
    12 weeks : (1 votes)
    1 %
    3-6 months : (29 votes)
    32 %
    6-9 months : (32 votes)
    35 %
    9-12 months : (16 votes)
    18 %
    12+ months : (11 votes)
    12 %
    Indefinitely : (2 votes)
    2 %
  1. muffinsmuffins

    persimmon / 1023 posts

    Also Canadian here. DW took a full year with 90 something percent top up of her salary with our son. I took an unpaid parental leave for 3 months. I literally could not imagine taking less than 3 months as the non birth parent, so its even more unthinkable after having given birth I’m sure. I was not functional until that time (and beyond!) and I am so glad my wife had that time and our son could grow and develop with us. Babies are SO little and helpless under 6 months.

    This time around, we have the option of splitting 18 months so I’m taking 1 month after the baby through EI, DW will do 10-12 months and I’ll take 2 extra months at the ‘end’ of the leave. DW was ready to go back around 10 months with our son so she will either go back or stay off, we will see how she feels.

    If you have the option and it’s feasible, I would 100% take the max amount of time you can manage. It’s such a relief to know you have it and there’s no pressure to push yourself or your child before you’re ready to enter the world of daycare. I highly doubt you would regret it and babies are only small for so long. Also when you’re a FTM, it’s hard to have any idea of how it will go so take the time if you can.

  2. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @PurplePumps: just adding...

    1) daycare va grandma care would have made no difference in my ideal go back time frame. One of the HB moms gave me advice- if I wouldn’t hire my mom if she weren’t my mom then I should rethink having her watch my LO.

    2) I think having the FMLA protections are great because women shouldn’t have to become jobless for starting a family; however, not everyone’s job is set up where others can cover your workload or revenue won’t be affected. We have a couple openings now and it’s a bitch to have to pitch in.

    My answer of 6 months is colored with those two things in mind that in mind as well as I didn’t have the training or fortitude to implement the early development curriculum daycare provided before he turned 1.

  3. lamariniere

    pineapple / 12566 posts

    I had my first LO in the US and my 2nd in Europe. In the US, I had 16 weeks paid and I could have taken up to a year unpaid if I wanted to, and kept my job. For me personally, it wasn't enough time, and due to some other circumstances, I ended up quitting and staying at home, and transitioning that into WAH.

    In Europe I had kind of a special situation so I didn't fall under the local system, but most women in my baby group (of about 30 women) had a full 12 months paid leave. But you could also opt for 2 other combinations of more time with less money (up to 3 years), and there was also a way to let your SO take part of the leave, but I can't remember the details. I think knowing that you have the freedom of leave+pay+job security and having this practice ingrained in the culture is very different from just deciding when you want to go back, or feeling some sort of obligation to return. Out of the roughly 30 women in my birth group I only knew of one who went back at around 9 months to let her DH take the last 3 months of leave. Additionally, there were very few care options for babies under 12 months. We ended up with 2 part time nannies because I started working again when my DD was around 5 months. I wanted to work again because I'm freelance, so I have to maintain my clients and I didn't want to ghost them for a year.

  4. PurplePumps

    pomegranate / 3809 posts

    Thank you everyone for your insight!! I've read your responses to DH as well and luckily have some time to think about it. The key is also to get to talk to my boss once he comes back after Memorial day to see what my options are and if they are flexible on an actual return date so that maybe I can play by ear. It does sound like 6-9 is a good target to aim for though.

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Your first point is very interesting. Unfortunately a paid 2k/month position isn't the same as a 'free' grandma care. In an ideal world, I think that advice is very true, but in a world where that is more than my mortgage and we've already spent countless 10's of thousands on fertility treatments, we need to work on building that back up for any hopes of having a decent college fund for little guy and keeping on track with our retirement goals.
    Fortunately for my position, while it cannot easily be covered when I leave because I will be leaving toward the end of the project during integration (so that part sucks), it's forecast to end before I come back so my being out doesn't effect my work at all since I just won't be tasked on a new project until I come back.

    @lamariniere: wow, out for 3 years?! I can't even imagine returning and trying to pick up where I left off after that long.

    @Mama Bird: I didn't even think of baby getting more attached and being harder to transition after being with me for so that much longer if he were going into a day care.

  5. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    @lamariniere: I agree...when the system is set up to support longer leaves, families seem to take advantage of it.

    @PurplePumps: I was able to come back to work after a 2 year break. I don't have clients and am not in a high powered position, but I was able to maintain my professional contacts and with the type of work I do (project based), it was easy to slide right back in.

  6. petitenoisette

    pear / 1521 posts

    @lamariniere: totally agree that the culture has a lot to do with these responses. If you’ve had to accept that 12 weeks or whatever is the max you can feasibly take off then that’s going to color your feelings for what you want personally. I have a 10week old and the thought of going back to work in 2 weeks is sooo sad to me and I’m like no I couldn’t do it. But that’s partially bc I have 6 months off (much of it unpaid/summer vaca as a teacher) and so that’s my frame of reference I’m working with. Of course if I really had to go back soon I would have to accept and deal with it. That doesn’t mean it’s really what I’d call ideal though.

    Not saying that it’s not possible to want to go back on the early side of course, I’m also not SAHM material and so I get that fully. But I do think culturally in the US we are conditioned to feel that anything beyond 12 weeks off you are just super lucky to get (which you are basically, but it shouldn’t be that way!).

    @PurplePumps: agree that 6-9 months is good. I went back at 6 months last time and was ready. This time will do the same but I do think it’s going to be harder bc now I know how much fun babies are getting around that time. It’s hard no matter when I think.

  7. MrsSCB

    pomelo / 5257 posts

    @petitenoisette: @lamariniere: Totally agree the culture has an affect, and I do think it can work both ways. If you live somewhere that taking a year off is the norm, you may feel less comfortable going back earlier, like people would judge you. So you might stay out that full year, or at least past the point you otherwise would, due to societal pressure. I've heard this from people I know who live places that offer longer leave. They would have gone back sooner but were worried about how that would be perceived.

  8. mrswin

    nectarine / 2433 posts

    @MrsSCB: This was my situation exactly, I got a LOT of comments about not taking the full year off even though I was able to. Similarly people gave my SO a lot of flack for taking the 7 months off that I didn’t to be at home with our DD. In Canada the “parental” leave portion (35 of the 52 weeks) can be taken by either parent but it is still extremely uncommon for men to take any of the time.

    I was pretty frank with people about the fact that we made a choice that was best for our family and that I wasn’t interested in their “feelings” about our choice.

  9. MrsSCB

    pomelo / 5257 posts

    @mrswin: I'm sorry, that sounds frustrating. I think there's a general assumption that all moms must want more time at home than they get, but I know that's not always the case. It wasn't with me, either.

  10. gingerbebe

    cantaloupe / 6131 posts

    @Synchronicity: DS1 is 3.5 and remains a much more high maintenance, emotional, somewhat high strung kid. Our younger 2 year old is way more chill and relaxed!

  11. lamariniere

    pineapple / 12566 posts

    @PurplePumps: 3 years sounds like a long time to me too! I think a lot of women who opt for that end up or at least plan on having a subsequent kid in that time period.

  12. Anagram

    eggplant / 11716 posts

    1 year would have been perfect for me. What I like about plans other countries offer, Like Canada, is that it's optional. You are offered 1 year leave with a stipend, but you don't *have* to take all of it. It gives so much flexibility. I'd love to see actual stats, but I'd imagine there are a lot more women that stay in the work force than here in the U.S.

  13. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @Anagram: There are studies of this in Europe. The problem is that employers are less likely to want to hire a childbearing age woman if they expect her to be on leave for potentially multiple years, and hence rates of female labor force participation are often quite a bit lower. I've heard where government mandated leave policies work best is Scandinavia, where there is generous parental leave but also incentives for men and women to take it equally...so potential employers don't disproportionately punish women for being of childbearing age.

  14. Anagram

    eggplant / 11716 posts

    @periwinklebee: But isn't that discrimination, and can't a company be sued for that? But I do totally agree men (or the non child-bearing partner) should be part of the childcare leave.

  15. Truth Bombs

    grapefruit / 4321 posts

    @looch: They upped it to 20 weeks fully paid. My BFF is out on mat leave right now.

  16. MrsSCB

    pomelo / 5257 posts

    @Anagram: I found this graph on Slate. It's from a few years ago, but the US does not compare favorably to most of the world...

    http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/moneybox/2015/02/24/america_makes_life_impossible_for_working_women_so_how_come_they_re_so_much/working_women.png.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge.png



  17. alphagam84

    persimmon / 1095 posts

    @Mrsbells: By law they don't have to hold a position for 12 months, it is only 12 weeks with FMLA. "The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) provides certain employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year. It also requires that their group health benefits be maintained during the leave."

  18. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @Anagram: It's extraordinarily hard to prove though...

    @MrsSCB: Interesting... Scandanavia at the top doesn't surprise me but Switzerland does, given they have notoriously limited childcare. Not sure what explains the discrepancy with a 60% Swiss female labor force participation rate given by World Bank data, but I suppose it may have to do with how part-time is coded or something....

  19. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    @Truth Bombs: I think you're right...I just noticed!

  20. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    @periwinklebee: Switzerland only mandates 3 months of leave, not a year. When I gave birth to my son in Switzerland, the firm I was with offered 7 months, based on length of service over 11 years. I ultimately didn't go back to work because we couldn't find childcare in the neighborhood where we lived (small village) and the one near my office (near the international airport) closed.

    The main issue I found with Switzerland is that the schools let out for lunch, so a lot of families have at least one parent that is working part time to accommodate.

  21. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @looch: Interesting - I had a friend who turned down a job there because of the letting out for lunch thing, and apparently they also have the lowest rate of preschool attendance in Europe. I'd just assumed based on this that they would also have really generous mat leave, but interesting that this is not the case....

  22. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    @periwinklebee: Kids are mostly in playgroups until they go to kindergarten. My husband didn't learn how to read until he was about 7 years old, which is startling to American ears, but he was in a forest playgroup, where they basically go into the forest and explore all morning. My mother in law worked, I think her mother must have helped out and my husband has a lot of memories of being with my father's parents in the summer in their tiny cabin in the mountains.

    Additionally, when you have a child, you receive a child benefit payment on a monthly basis. It amounts to about $500 per month for one child and increases with siblings, to cover the costs associated with raising children.

  23. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @looch: That's pretty awesome! And yes, so different than here!

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