This might get long so bear with me…

My husband and I go on a warm vacation every winter/spring. This year we decided to go to Hawaii and due to many factors, we decided on the first week in March. We booked it, everything is good to go (and non-refundable). In conversation with my parents a couple of days ago I found out that they are also going to Hawaii. Same island. Same week. Same flight. Obviously this how now turned into a foursome trip, because it would be kind of awkward if it didn’t.

My mom is…. a difficult person. I’m not sure how else to word it. Travelling with her is exceptionally difficult. Last time I went on “vacation” with her, I ended up paying $1,900 to leave early because I couldn’t handle it. We went to visit family and friends in Europe (where we’re from), and I made plans with friends one day (I was 28 at the time) and she freaked out, called me a selfish **** ****, told me I had ruined her vacation and her life and wished me dead. Because I didn’t follow her schedule. She was staying with my aunt, I was staying with my grandpa, and my mom went to his house and took all of my luggage and threw it outside in the rain because she was so upset that I didn’t want to go shopping with her and her friend. She didn’t talk to me for 4 months after that trip because 1) I didn’t follow her schedule, and 2) I “embarrassed her” when I came back to Canada early.

Before that I went to California with my ex and my family decided to tag along. It was a total nightmare. If anyone so much as suggested a restaurant that she didn’t want to go to, it ended up in World War 3, if someone didn’t want to be down for breakfast she was pounding on their doors and yelling that she hates them. I’m not a huge Disney person so one day in Disneyland was good enough for me and I opted to spend that day by the pool. That ended up in her losing her mind. As in completely losing itn and bitching to everyone else ALL DAY LONG about how much I suck as a person.

We already have a strained relationship. I try to keep my distance from her because she is narcissistic (as in, textbook narcissistic parent) and a generally all around toxic person. My dad is incredibly laid back and just goes with the flow, but in order to keep her happy he will go along with whatever she says, even if it’s insulting to someone else.

Our vacationing styles could not be more different. I *hate* planning anything on vacation and go with the flow. Usually a day in Hawaii for my husband and I consists of getting up when we feel like it, taking our time getting ready, going for breakfast, maybe some sightseeing, lunch, beach, nap, dinner, go out for drinks at night. My mom on the other hand needs every day filled with an activity and every moment planned to the second. My mom thinks spending time on a beach or at a pool is a waste of a vacation. I’m completely fine with that and think everyone should do whatever pleases them, but she doesn’t feel that way. She thinks everyone should do everything together and everything should be her way.

We already mentioned that everyone can do what they want and we will probably have different ideas of fun on the trip and she already freaked out. She had her little tantrum about it and then everyone got the silent treatment for the rest of the night. This was at a big extended family dinner. It was awkward.

In speaking with my siblings (who have travelled with her recently), she has gotten worse over time, and both of my brothers and sister in law said they will never travel anywhere with her ever again. She’s the kind of person who’s not happy unless she’s complaining about someone else.. she always has to have a target person of who she doesn’t like that day, and on vacation it’s always someone she is currently with. She is very good at creating tension and causing fights and has some intense mood swings when things aren’t going her way. She gets insulting and moody, and even her close friends refuse to travel with her anymore.

I need some help to get through this! I was so excited to book this trip and now I’m just filled with dread. I called the airline to cancel but it's non-refundable tickets (plus, that's the only week we can go and we got a really good deal!) I really don't know how to get through this trip with her.