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Division of parenting and household tasks. Its our number 1 disagreement (ex. day care pick up and drop off)

I'd say big financial decisions - daycare vs. nanny, working schedules (especially if one of you is going to part-time or stay at home), retirement/college/general savings, etc.

...religion, circumcision, parenting style, what's important to each of you in terms of discipline and just the way you'll raise them, what each of your parents fid or didn't do and what you'd like to bring into your parenting vs avoid

I would say the biggest is probably childcare. Will you have one parent stay home, or will both parents work and you will use an outside provider (grandma care, nanny, daycare).

I think everything else you can just figure out. I would say I really had no idea about how I'd feel until baby was actually here. And even then -- I changed my mind about childcare arrangements!

Religion
Punishment
Expectations of both parents re: SAH or WOH
Desires of both parents to SAH or WOH
Household divisions
Baby-care divisions
Any truly hardline thoughts or things you will not compromise on – i.e., “daycare is evil”, “you must SAH/WOH to be a “good” parent”, no vaccination, etc.

There’s probably tons more.

So many things! I'd say the discussions that helped us out the most were:

- Distributions of tasks, particularly household tasks and parenting tasks. These changed after LO arrived. DH picked up more house work since I was dealing with breastfeeding and handling LO. We split things like LO's laundry, I dealt with all the LO milk/food stuff (cleaning bottles, etc), and DH started doing more of the cooking for me and him.

- Work and financial stuff. We both knew she would be in daycare full time and I would go back to work. At one point, I considered staying home though and we talked about it. We are always on the same page.

- Agreement that we are a team. This has been important because having a LO can really test relationships. When things get tough, we remind each other that we are on the same team. Now that she is older, we try to always back each other up around her to present a unified front. It really does help.

@Mamaof2: Yeah, I always assumed I'd work part time once we had kids, but Hubs was really against that! Good to know!

For us it was division of labour and of taking care of the household chores and child care. Even if you've lived together for years and have it all figured out, adding kids changes everything.

I'd have to say a big one for us was not being resentful. If you have a problem with the way someone is doing something, speak up. In turn, you have to be open to criticism as long as it's constructive.

Also, the division of labor in caring for the child. Naturally, if you're breastfeeding, DH isn't going to be able to do much in terms of feeding unless you're pumping. Set expectations right away with what you're looking for him to do in order to be an equal parent, and let go a little. Just because it's not your way doesn't mean it's not right. You need to give your DH the confidence that he knows what he's doing or he won't want to help.

Don't count the number of times you get up in the middle of the night vs. the number he gets up. If you take turns, do your best, and be considerate of each other when you know one or the other has had a bad night, you'll be far better off.

I think the only thing we discussed prior to getting married was whether or not we wanted children. We didn't quantify, we didn't set a timeframe, nothing like that, because if I've learned a thing in my lifetime it is that your feelings on things change. And that is what I wanted to understand in my partner, was he flexible and willing to accept what came our way or was he so rigid that our marriage would fall apart if some future desire didn't materialize.

Eh, I think those conversations are important to a certain extent. However when a child actually comes expectation vs reality is so different. What's more important IMO is having a partner that is flexible and communicates well. Being a parent is a constantly evolving process.

@youboots: I agree.

You may find your wants and needs change a lot post baby (or they may not.) Just letting dh know that I would need night help helped us be in a good frame of mind for #2, since with #1 I tried to do it all. But no specifics.

@youboots: YES!!

Its important to understand what being a parent looks like to your SO and what type of life you both want to have for your kids. An understanding of their childhood vs what they want for their kids is also helpful.

I actually wouldn't talk about schools until your child is at least 3 or 4, you don't know what kind of kid they are yet and what their needs will be (and even then, so much can change between then and when they are teenagers).

I think the most important thing to agree on before the baby comes is keeping the lines of communication open. Its very, very easy to shut down when you are dealing with an infant all day, but my husband and I found it really important to turn off the TV and talk at least for 10/15 min every night about parenting stuff or just life stuff. When I was on maternity leave I needed to offload if I'd had a tough day, or gloat if I'd had a good day and there isn't anyone else who wants to hear that much about your baby! Now that we're both working f/t its more about cute stuff our son did at daycare, discipline issues, and how we will spend our precious time as a family.

I would have to say that the stuff we talk about now probably wouldn't have even occurred to me before we met, and got to know, our son and his quirks.

Also if/when you go out on date nights no shop talk! Thats the time to be mushy and romantic and talk about you. At least thats our rule!

I think things like household division and childcare, including sah and woh are the big ones.

You definitely need to touch upon all of it as nothing ever goes as planned and you want to make sure you can male decisions together when sleep deprived, aggravated, etc.

How to handle the night time waking situations. If breastfeeding, you're on. If not, there is room for discussion. You don't want to make that decision sleep deprived.

How to adjust finances for anything baby AND child related. Make a budget estimating costs and see how you will reprioritize to cover those costs.

How to handle doctor appointments and illness. Who is making them? Who is going to them? Prenatal and well child visits. Illnesses.

How to adjust household chores/responsibilities.

*We had no baby related discussions until we were pregnant! So these were the biggest priorities!

Extra curricular activities, dating, philosophies on spending regarding kids (toys, etc), bullying, discipline, drug/alcohol use, reproductive issues (teen pregnancy, assault, etc.), grounding, education/grades.