What "rules," if any, do you have for friends and family when it comes to your baby? Things like washing hands before holding the baby, not using bad language around the baby, only visiting during certain hours, etc.
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Not being all up in his face or making him the centre of attention - he'll cry hysterically otherwise!
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We didn't have any 'rules' per se, we just expected everyone to use common sense when it came to our baby (ie don't come over if you're sick; if you've just been letting your dog lick your hands, please wash them before you stroke my newborn's face, etc) For people who were going to have extended contact, such as grandparents, we requested they all get a whooping cough booster prior to the baby's birth.
We never put any rules down about when people could come over - if they were there and it was nap time, so be it, I took the baby, fed her (I wasn't shy about nursing in public), put her down, and continued visiting. Language we didn't worry about - I would have felt awfully condescending telling people to watch their language around my infant, and I think most people naturally modify their language when little ones are around anyway.
Basically, I think most people use common sense around babies and don't take well to being given rules. If someone is a smoker and wants to see your baby, I think it's fine to ask them to wash their hands and change their jacket/sweater or whatever they wore to smoke in, as that is a clear health risk, but beyond that, I think making rules oftentimes backfires. We always kept a bottle of hand sanitiser out on the table and most people used some without being asked before they held our baby.
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With a newborn at home, the only "rules " per se we have are washing hands before holding baby and not coming over if you're sick but I don't think I've had to actually tell anyone.. Every one who comes over goes to wash up on their own and we had one person who planned to visit call to cancel because he thought he might be getting sick. Everyone calls to ask before visiting so I haven't had any issues with visitors at bad times, hopefully everyone continues to use the same common sense.
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@miramira: I second this one! People in her face never goes well. She instituted that rule herself...
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I didn't have any "rules" with the baby. Most of it is common sense. Sick people generally don't go near babies. I let anyone hold them and I wasn't strict about naps if visitors came. But honestly, my babies made their own rules. Once they had enough and got fussy, to mama they go.
I have a SIL who always had "rules." Some rules are ok, but she had lots of dumb ones. It was annoying and we never visit them
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When she was a newborn I asked ppl to wash their hands but stopped around a month or two. At 10.5 mo I have no rules. I'm not very germphobic and language doesn't bother me. I do keep lo to her nap schedule regardless so I tell ppl when to come if they want to see her awake... But that's about it.
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No rules, really. Though I would ask that sick people stay away, of course.
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None when she was a newborn, to be honest. Other than maybe don't be sick and hold my baby? I dunno.
I had more rules once she got older and she was around a bunch of military guys who liked to use the word faggot a lot. (spoiler, that shit was not acceptable and they hated me for it).
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Nobody messes with LOs best stretch of sleep from 11pm-3am because that was when I slept. My in-laws flew into to meet LO at one month. They were staying in a hotel but said they would come straight to our place to hold baby. Over my dead body. I think that was the only rule I really laid down.
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No rules, everyone in our family and friends circle was pretty respectable and used common sense
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My only rules were washing hands because it was flu season and she had been in the NiCU for breathing problems....no sick people obviously, and I had rules for smokers (my parents)
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None except please don't feed them random food! They have issues with solids and I caught my MIL force feeding Alice cantaloupe WHILE SHE CRIED! She just kept stuffing it into her mouth. And then I picked her up and she puked cantaloupe all over me. Seriously?? Wtf?
I do have rules for the house - the sliding glass door to the sunroom has to be shut if the kids have free reign (out of baby jail area) because there's a step down and I'm afraid they'll fall down it. That's just common sense but I still have to remind visitors (it's mostly just an issue with the ILs because they'll let the dog out and leave the door open).
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@twodoghouse: Your MIL stories never cease to amaze me.
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@Blackbird: What were your rules with your parents regarding smoking? I'd like to institute rules for my MIL such as @Ree723 does, i.e. wash hands, changes shirts, and maybe brush teeth if you're kissing. But I'm afraid of how it's going to be received.
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@Astro Bee: I asked my mom to wash her hands and brush her teeth and wear a smoking jacket. She also wrapped her hair up.
My dad refused to wash his hands so he didn't get to hold E until she was older. Tough shit, is how I felt about that
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Just washing hands! I asked that people around my newborn be vaccinated but that didn't go over too well.
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@Blackbird: Glad it wasn't a problem for your mom. I'm worried there will be tension if my MIL reacts like your dad. DH doesn't want to bring it up bc he doesn't talk to his family about their issues, and his mom has never smoked in front of him; although, weirdly, she has in front of me many, many times!
@Greentea: We only asked our parents to get vaccinated, and while my parents at least got their flu shot, my ILs were majorly outspoken about how ridiculous that request was. Hence, my apprehension about bringing up smoking rules with my MIL.
We are also purchasing a few bottles of Purel to have on hand, and make it an off-hand request to wash hands before holding the baby. But I agree that most people have pretty common sense about not coming around a baby while sick.
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My only "rule" per say is if she is sleeping please let her sleep, I know you want to see her awake but is not fair to her!
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I'm surprised how few "rules" you all have! It seems like most new parents I've been around in the last few years have had a fair amount- more than I remember anyone having 10+ years ago. It's not like they have a written charter or handbook, but they have all sorts of instructions before they're willing to hand over their babies.
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@MrsBananaGrabber: I think the people I'm around tend to be pretty reasonable so there hasn't been much need to create rules.
That and my daughter is extremely attatched to me and my husband so she doesn't normally end up with others for too long.
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@Astro Bee: Yeah, my OB told me to ask that people around my newborn be vaccinated, so I did. Some people were receptive, some freaked out. I personally feel it is responsible. Anyhow. The smoking situation is hard. I remember someone on here had that concern awhile back. I'm not sure what they ended up doing or how it panned out but I remember the consensus was to tell the smoker that it was doctor's orders. I don't know how I would handle that. For handwashing I was pretty straightforward and mildly intense. I just asked everyone to wash their hands when they came in and then again right before holding her. People were really cool about it.
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@FaithFertility: Yep, that was mine as well. Sleep was so precious and I didn't want to mess with it.
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LO was born during flu season so I asked everyone to get the flu shot and make sure their Tdap was up to date. Hand washing when appropriate. Other than that my main rule I wish I had set was give her to me when she cries and don't steal my cuddles away! Ha.
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I feel like I'm a about to sound nuts here compared to everyone else here:
- don't kiss her on the lips
- if you want to put her in a bouncy seat, car seat or other baby container, that baby container better be firmly planted on the floor. Not on a chair, not on a coffee table, not on a counter top.
I also insanely had to ask people to stop buying us diapers, wipes, and soaps due to her sensitive skin and people were not asking before buying.
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Interesting topic! We don't have rules, per se, but there are certain things I try to encourage/discourage. Examples would be:
- Avoiding bad language
- Not giving her back a toy if she drops it on purpose
- No jiggling/bouncing after she has just eaten (if you do it and she throws up, YOU get to clean it up!)
- No sugar
- I strongly discourage her from grabbing at glasses, putting jewelry in her mouth, etc. People are very forgiving, but I often have to insist that they not let her do these things, so that she learns that it is not okay! -
@MrsBananaGrabber: I didn't know this would need to be a rule, but people of our parents' generation were weirdly obsessed with trying to give my tiny infant food! She was less than 2 months old at thanksgiving and everyone wanted to give her pumpkin pie! So 'no food' became a rule until she started eating solids.
The only other one was we asked the grandparents to update their whooping cough vaccines.
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1. I made my in-laws get their whooping cough and flu vaccines before they flew across the country to meet DS at 6 weeks old. It was October, MIL works in a daycare, FIL never sees a doctor when he gets sick so he has illnesses that linger a long time, and they were going to be in airports. And we have a whooping cough epidemic around where we live. Non-negotiable.
2. RESPECT. THE. SCHEDULE. DS needs a rigid feeding/sleeping schedule and it was REALLY important the first 6 months of his life (he's 7 months now and there's some flexibility but not much). He doesn't fall asleep in your arms, he doesn't breastfeed on demand - he needs a set amount of ounces at set intervals and he needs a specific environment to sleep in. Both our parents thought we were nuts about the schedule thing because DS seemed so happy and pleasant when he's awake (which is he is...because he's on a schedule). They stopped making comments once we let them see what he's like without his schedule (a hot. mess.) No comments after that.
3. DS has to eat in his high chair at set intervals. We don't feed him while holding him in our lap or while he's in his jumparoo or whatever in order to coax him to eat. He's a highly distracted baby and gets bored as it is, so I'm not going to chase him around trying to get him to take a bite. My mom really thinks its more important that he eats "enough" and will go to whatever lengths to get him to eat and I refuse to set a precedent where DS thinks he doesn't have to pay attention and eat his meal because I'll just follow him around the house with a bowl and a spoon.
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The only thing was that we wouldn't wake him for visitors.
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Family was required to get flu and whooping cough vaccines, and we kept a big bottle of hand sanitizer on the table. But that's about it.
I never thought of it as a rule, but since he's been on a schedule, nap time in non-negotiable. If you come over when he's sleeping, I will not wake him up for you, nor will I keep him awake past his nap time just because you are visiting. But I will happily share his schedule with anyone in advance, so they can plan their visit accordingly(if they care to).
ETA: @gingerbebe 's #2 is spot on!! The little guy loves his schedule, and things get ugly fast when we deviate from it.
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I'm not sure we had/plan to have any rules per se, but we won't wake baby up from a nap for visitors.
Actually this time, I want to be strict on having baby nap anywhere other than in someone's arms so I guess we will discourage anyone from holding our sleeping baby.
I'm toying with how to politely address illnesses with friends and family. Although I trust most people, I learned last time I can't necessary rely on everyone to disclose sickness (someone came over with a bad cough) and I want an incubation period of a week if someone has had a vomiting or diarrhea bug before they come visit us.... But not sure how to make that known. Still thinking on that one.
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I don't think I had any!
Edited: Except showing up in groups of 6 people, unannounced, at 10pm. That happened once with my first 3 days after she was born. We made sure that wasn't happening again.
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I didn't really have any rules. Everyone washed their hands without having to be asked. My parents stayed with us after DS was born, so I asked them to think about getting their flu and Tdap updated. My mom has an egg sensitivity, so I'm not sure if she ended up getting those or not. And no one we know smokes.
Most people used common sense and were respectful.
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We haven't had any really... I just expect people to have common sense! I even let teenagers hold her... I just tell them not to drop her haha!
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Not letting strangers hold him. My mom is an attention seeker and she would often grab him and show him off to people, which would include handing him off to every Tom, Dick, and Harry at her church.
No.
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@YouGotMe: I don't think you sound nuts- those all sound perfectly reasonable to me!
I think a lot of people might have unofficial "rules" or guidelines that they don't think of because it's not like they're written anywhere or like they give a rehearsed speech to everyone about them, but if the issue comes up they'll say something.
I'd assume there's also a huge difference between what you'd expect when you just let someone hold the baby for a while in your presence and when you leave the baby alone with someone else for an extended period of time.
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Only that we are going to come and go on our schedule and won't stick around at a gathering just to be polite if LO skips a nap and is melting down. We try never to be late but this counts also! If people dont understand or disagree, tough cookies.
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No sick people. No pop or flat out junk food (ice cream for example). But they don't do anything I don't like when they play with him.
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We asked our families to get their flu and TDAP vaccines prior to her arrival. We also do not allow smoking around the baby, and my MIL either goes outside or into her bathroom at her house while we are there.
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I thought of something else that I hadn't thought of as a rule. I didn't want LO sleeping anywhere other than her crib or PnP bassinet - no bouncer naps, etc. I am/was super paranoid about SIDs (didn't even get a RnP to try) so the only non firm-flat surface she slept in was being worn, co-sleeping with me (really only happened in the early morning when I sleep super lightly and I trusted my mommy instincts) or if she was sleeping on someone in the early days I was really strict about making sure they didn't fall asleep (that was a little challenging with the grandparents dozing off with her on their chest on the couch. I wasn't thrilled about them stealing her away for naps then anyhow TBH, but that was my own issue!
ETA: And no smokers around her. We don't have any family/friends that smoke so we didn't have to figure out how to work around that thankfully, but we did have a few nannies who smoked so we actually fired the first one (she was a trial for placement for us) and asked that we not have the other one as a temp in the future. Unless you change all your clothes, shower and brush your teeth after smoking you still smell like cigarettes! Ugh.
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43 comments