Spin off from the other thread...Do you think cheating is more likely to arise when there are serious problems with a relationship to start with - and hence people look elsewhere for fulfillment or an escape - or do you think it happens frequently when relationships are fundamentally sound but people put themselves in tempting situations that at some point they can't resist (close friendships with members of whatever sex they are romantically attracted to, excess alcohol consumption, etc)? Or something else?
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Definitely the majority of time I think it's a pre-existing issue in the relationship or a character flaw of the person that's always been there. I have complete faith that my husband could be drunk and have a girl naked next to him and do nothing. I just don't think that in a sound relationship with 2 trustworthy people cheating will happen just because you're drunk or put in some "tempting" situation.
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I think blaming hanging out with opposite gendered friends for cheating is a total personal responsibility cop-out. You are an adult and cheating is a choice you make. If you chose to give in to "temptation", you didn't do it because it was there, you did it because that was the choice you made, and there is a serious issue underlying that choice.
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I think of it more as a character flaw. If someone is willing to cheat they would do it in any situation that presented itself.
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@Eko: I agree.
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I think there are some basic human fundamental "needs" everyone has. This is also why we try relationships in the first place. Security love companionship sex family etc. If those aren't being met your basic desire will be to look elsewhere.
A book I read said something like majority of people that cheat wouldn't even necessarily say the other person is attractive. So more often it's not because of looks.
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@Eko: I don't know. I think people that tend to cheat tend to have very high needs. But I do believe if you could find the perfect relationship and have all your needs met you wouldn't have a desire to cheat.
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@T.H.O.U.: I hate to say it but no relationship is so perfect it won't make a fundamental cheater cheat.
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I posted mostly out of curiosity after seeing the other thread, and feel like in general when it comes to understanding these things I'm that super naive person. In the cases where we've had friends' marriages break up due to cheating, I was kind of shocked to learn how bad things were beforehand, and cheating almost seemed like an intentional way out. But I'm sure the cases of cheating I know of are a tiny fraction of what happens in general...
I read an article awhile back about how scientists turned fully monogamous rats into partially monogamous and one night stand rats by removing some or all of their oxytocin receptors, and there was a lot of speculation that the tendency to cheat is a partially genetically determined thing. Of course, as humans I'd hope we have more potential for self-control than rats!
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No one ever slips & falls on a dick; some people make poor choices when presented with opportunuties. A relationship doesn't have to be in trouble for people to do things to damage it hence why sometimes the agrieved person is truly blindsided by their partner's actions. People come up with all sorts of reasons to justify their own poor choices, but at the end of the day people need to practice good judgment & self-control.
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@Eko: i agree. I think there are people who are going to cheat regardless of how their relationship is going and there are people who won't even in the worst of times.
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I think it's a bit of both.
Let's say things are okay at home. Not perfect, but not garbage. Just average.
And let's say my husband is away with work, and he's hanging out with a female co-worker, and she's vibrant and funny and not exhausted because of the kids, and he gets 100% of her attention, and it feels good, you know? Actually getting someone's undivided attention?
And he tries to call me, but I'm busy with the kids and even though I love him and tell him so, he goes to dinner with this chick and she's nice and she's funny and even if he doesn't sleep with her, it's there, a foot in the door of an emotional affair.
ETA: This is just an example, not a personal story -
@BrandNewMom: I think most of the time this is exactly how cheating happens... Maybe not even that first trip, but the 4th, or the 5th or so on. Suddenly the grass seems greener and easier with someone else, even if there aren't major relationship problems. I don't think many people set out to cheat, but people aren't perfect and make stupid decisions.
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I've known couples where cheating isn't a surprise, and other couples where it's a complete shock. So it's both in my experience.
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@Mrs. Lion: I guess that's where I say the character flaw comes in. I don't care how bad my marriage is, that would never happen because I respect my marriage enough to either try and work on it before it Gets there, or to let my husband know it's not Going to work before I do something like that. I have the utmost confidence that my husband would do the same because of the type of person he is. So yeah, there are obviously people who would take advantage of that situation and those who wouldn't. It's not the situation itself that creates temptation, it's the person's inability to resist that temptation. Which is why I personally don't want my husband not cheating because he isn't allowed to be in a tempting situation, I want him to not cheat because he's not that type of person that would.
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@catomd00: I guess I just feel like nobody is so perfect that they are incapable of making a mistake. I would like to believe it would never happen, and I fully trust myself and my husband to never cheat, but I have definitely been through times in my life when i made decisions that were out of character for me as a person. Maybe I have a more pessimistic view of things, but I just feel like a lot of people who have had a spouse cheat probably weren't expecting it either.
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@Mrs. Lion: I agree that I think this is how most cheating happens (a little at a time, not setting out to cheat), but I don't think it's the situation/temptation that causes the cheating. Married adults know when things are crossing lines, and plenty of people can hang out with others in those types of situations without ever cheating. Just seems like such a personal responsibility pass to put it on the temptation - what could he do, she was giving him so much attention that his wife didn't - that type of thinking. I don't think it's about being perfect, but being honest with yourself and your spouse. It's not "a mistake" that leads to cheating (most of the time), it's choices made all along the way.
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I think it's more a willingness to cheat than the result of a situation or state of the relationship. I have heard of plenty of cases where the cheater did not want out and tried to keep the marriage when caught. And also plenty of cases where a marriage was on the rocks and ended in divorce, but there was no cheating involved.
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Excellent TED talk on the subject:
I think a person who cheats has an internal issue that cheating helps them to relieve. I suppose rules could prevent cheating but would not resolve the internal issue. Cheating to me is a symptom not a problem.
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I think for some people, cheating and getting away with it is a high. Kind of like those people that you read about in the news, very wealthy, but stealing from a grocery store. It's not because they need whatever they stole, it is either a cry for help or it feeds some kind of thrill seeking/getting away with it need.
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After this topic came up the other day, I googled a bit and found an interesting Psychology Today article about cheating and the differences between men and women. Apparently, women are more likely to cheat when they aren't getting something they need (love, intimacy) from their current relationship, whereas way higher percentages of men who cheat report being "very happy" with their marriage.
So, I think a lot of the answers we are getting here is because we are all women. I suspect an anonymous men's board or poll would have very different answers.
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@Anagram: the snarky side of me wonders if this is because many men tend to view their wives as second mothers. Thus... if he can get the hot sex elsewhere while getting domestic needs met at home, he's truly set! Whereas women are encouraged to have all needs fulfilled via romantic love.
Actually I'm pretty pessimistic in that I believe biology drives both sexes to cheat although not for the same reasons. But the social piece reinforces this.
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Having been on both sides of the coin...
Personal responsibility and respect.
It doesn't matter how good the relationship is or if all your needs are being met, if you're not committed to being personally responsible for your decisions and actions. Temptation is all around, it would not be hard to find if you're looking. It is a conscious decision NOT to disrespect your relationship and partner just because there may be alternatives.
I do believe if your needs AREN'T being met, it's easier to be tempted. But that certainly doesn't mean someone in a seemingly great relationship won't stray.
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