A lot of my mom friends are into this approach. Part of me agrees with it but I think discipline (like a time-out) is necessary. My mom used a lot of these examples in the link below (not all...she did spank a few times) but I didn't feel like I had much structure has a child/teenager (I'm a type A so I NEED structure, it might work on others though?)
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"Gentle" parenting seems to be one of those things that has several definitions depending on who (or what) you read or talk to! I consider myself leaning towards gentle / attachment parenting because it seems to be what fits best for my child and what feels right to me but I'm not afraid to offer the odd bribe or a bit of tough love as the need arises
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i like some aspects, but i was a reward-driven kid so i don't feel like it's a bad thing. nor do i think that kids shouldn't have punishments/consequences for their actions. so... yeah.
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@birdofafeather: same...even now, I'm reward driven. "If I go running, I'll lose the baby weight" or "when I finish tucking the kids into bed, I'm having a glass of wine" haha...I bribe myself. But I'm a happy person so I don't know if being reward driven is wrong.
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@HLK208: it kinda reminds me of a selfless good deed via friends! we do things because they feel good!
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Doesn't sound like a method that would work for me as described in the article. I think in some ways we vaguely use certain aspects of gentle parenting, like we give lots of choices and ask for his opinion. But for the discipline aspects, I definitely tell my DS when he is behaving badly and he totally goes to time out.
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Never heard of this, but this is pretty much how I operate. It is in no way how my husband operates, though. Honestly, this has worked very well for me so far, but that's not to say that it will work forever. And it may not work for every child. Either way, it's interesting to see that what I've been doing naturally as a parent actually has a name.
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I think there are a lot of good ideas in that article, but I don't think I could incorporate all of the ideas 100% of the time. I like the idea of offering choices, for example. But in reality you can't offer choices in every situation. Teachers & bosses don't give choices--they tell you what to do!
LO is just a baby but I would imagine as he grows we will get to know his personality and what works best for him. -
@BananaPancakes: my husband has a different approach than I do. We're working hard to get on the same page but he kind of rolled his eyes at a few of the descriptions in this article.
@jhd: very true...I didn't think of that. We do offer choices but when we're in a rush, we definitely don't have time for that!
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There are a few good take aways from that article. We like to give C options and let her pick and participate in decisions when we can because we think it causes less tantrums and gives her more autonomy, but she definitely doesn't always get to choose. There are a couple other things we do as well. However, we definitely discipline when necessary and there are definite boundaries to what she is allowed to do.
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The only thing I disagree with is not saying please and thank you. Manners are important.
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A lot of my Mum friends are into gentle/attachment parenting too...and it sounds great and if it works for them, great...but it would not suit my personality at all. I believe that you need to parent how fits your personality and the LO fits in.
Agree with the stuff others have said about choices and manners.
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We incorporate some of these idea.....but I can't negotiate on everything. I want to treat her with respect so I also want her to treat others with respect. I read through adventures in positive discipline awhile back and while I gave an eyeroll sometimes for the most part I thought it was a great read on approaching children. I don't 100% follow all the guidelines but I thought it was a nice read for exploring positive techniques But I like rewards and I like time outs.
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It's just not for me. Former Catholic school kid here and I LOVE structure.
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Yea, that's just not for me. If LO is doing naughty things, she needs to stop. And manners are nonnegotiable in our home. And as for children making household decisions, just no. That's what parents are for and it's not fair to children to have heavy adult decisions put on them.
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I like the general premise but I would literally need like half a lobotomy to get myself to always react the way that's needed to truly practice it. I know some people who actively practice gentle parenting & their 3 year old & 1 year old were incredibly well behaved & adjusted, even on a week long vacation we went on & every body was stuffing them full of sugar & snacks. Not really sure what is meant to come of that example. I guess just that it can & does work.
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I don't think it's very practical. One of the examples in the article is asking your child if they want to brush their teeth before or after they put on their pajamas. So...what if the child says neither one, and throws a fit about not brushing their teeth?
It suggests negotiating whenever possible and saving your nos for serious situations, but even then there is no discipline. But what if your child is going through a stage where they are hitting or biting you? You're really not going to have ANY consequences for that behavior? You're just going to tell them no? I don't see that working with a really strong-willed child. It seems like a lack of parenting to me, not gentle parenting.
It's just too extreme for me. I agree that kids don't need rewards or punishment for everything, but the article implies that you're somehow being detrimental to your child and making them never want to try our put forth an effort without being bribed just because you say something positive to your child after they do a good job. Seems kind of crazy.
I'm probably biased though because the one person I know who follows this philosophy has a terror of a child. She follows all of this and is super connected with him, uses all of these strategies, and is definitely gentle rather than permissive...but he is still incredibly defiant, gets violent completely out of the blue (I cannot tell you how many times I've seen him hit and kick his own grandmother and call her stupid), and either argues with or ignores the stuff the article discusses like giving choices, negotiating when possible, taking a playful approach, etc.
I'm sure it depends on the child, but that's generally the problem I have with articles like this where they make it sound as simple as "If you do X, your child will do Y." Not all children will! I really don't think there's any one fits all approach to parenting.
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@wonderstruck: agree! I was also just coming back to say that it's kind of important not to get caught up in certain parent styles. I like different parts of a few different styles & I think it's helpful to not try & fit a certain mold because your child may not fit a certain mold. You have to do what your comfortable with but also what works for them &sometimes that requires a little mixing & matching of "styles".
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Yes, that's 98% of how we parent. I think the important part (and the part that's most often confused) is this is not permissive parenting. It's not letting your kid do whatever they want and setting no boundaries/having no consequences. There are a ton of limits set and a ton of ways to give your kid positive acknowledgment. I don't think this is the number one best way to parent and everyone should do it, this is just what works for our family. But I'm always bummed to hear people think its got no structure.
@wonderstruck: I have to disagree with you about your friend. If she allows her son to hit people she is being permissive and not practicing gentle parenting. Permissive parenting sets no limits & gives no discipline and I didn't see the article promote that idea? I feel like disrespect and aggression fall under serious situations. If my son refuses a choice (and he does!) I acknowledge that's not what he wants to do and make a choice for him. He has tantrums about things like all kids & I acknolwedge those feelings too, but don't change my decision on it. I'm not trying to convince you that gentle parenting is the right strategy, I'm just offering some insight into some of your questions.
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@JoyfulKiwi: I guess it depends on what you mean when you say 'allows him to hit.' She tells him pretty much what the article says, which to quote it here would be something like, "Hitting me/your sister/pulling the dog’s tail hurts, I won’t let you do that.” But there are no consequences or discipline for the behavior, which according to the article is gentle parenting because if you give discipline for that behavior then the only reason the child stops doing it is to avoid discipline. I agree with natural consequences when possible, but let's be realistic, it's not always possible - sometimes I think you need punishment like a time-out.
I definitely feel like the article promotes the idea that there shouldn't be discipline; in fact, it specifically says that there should be no rewards or punishments. Limits it says should be negotiated with the child, which I think makes sense in some situations and not others. But I don't see how a limit, negotiated or not, can be enforced if you never discipline in any way. And the article states that, "The discipline advocated by gentle parenting families is internalised." I really don't understand what that is even supposed to mean, to be honest - do you get what they're saying there? I was confused by it.
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I feel like I do a lot of positive parenting but some of those examples are a step too far, in my opinion. I would never give her a choice about cleaning her teeth, it's non negotiable. I try my best never to "ssh" her and to reason with her etc, and turn commands into a positive rather than a negative. But "no" has its place and everyone has limits. We'll see how it develops as she -and her attitude - grow.
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I hope to be as gentle of a parent as possible but realistically I know that I will still probably bribe LO if I'm desperate or use time out, especially if other methods don't work. I'm for what works!
I do like the ideas of connecting with your child, validating their feelings, and teaching them right from wrong without always having to be rewarded or punished. More than anything I don't want to parent with intimidation/manipulation. I don't think that means I'll never use a reward chart, though!
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@wonderstruck: I think the "discipline is internalized" part means that children make their own choices to do the right thing and are not forced or bribed. I think it's great to teach your kids how it do that but it is a process - they don't come out with self control. And in certain situations like hitting you are going to have to use "external" discipline.
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@daniellemybelle: I think that's kind of what I was stuck on - how you get your child to that point without ever having punishment or rewards. I agree with you that it's a process, I think that getting the kids to make their own choices and know the right thing is a great goal, and I do like other ideas that are a part of this system. But I just couldn't follow anything that says to never use time-outs, never tell your child good job, etc.
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We're planning to follow love & logic, which is "positive parenting" and sounds similar to this. It's all about giving choices and natural consequences, but the choices are both choices you'd be ok with. It makes the child feel like they are in control but the parent is still getting what he/she wants. Ex: if a child is throwing a tantrum at the dinner table you could say something like, "Would you like to calm down and stay with us or do you need to go to your room and calm down for a bit first?"
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@lawbee11: I just got the book for Love & Logic and so far it seems really great!
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@wonderstruck: DH used it with my stepkids and it worked really well. I really want to try and avoid bribing with food. He said it's great for stuff like that.
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@lawbee11: I use love and logic in my classroom and love it! I plan to use it with LO.
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I take bits and pieces from various "parenting philosophies" and make it work for our family and don't think it has to be one or the other.
We practice some of this at home, but there are a few things I don't agree with, especially the one about not forcing a child to say please or thank you. I think manners are very important whether you want to do it or not. There will be times in life when we don't want to do something, but should anyway simply because it's the right thing to do. I think that is an important lesson for a child to learn. I think the bottom line and overarching message here is to raise our children with respect and compassion. I'm definitely on board with that.
I also think reward charts have their place. We recently used a reward chart to get DD to start sleeping in her bed again, and after two rounds of it she's forgotten all about it. Now it's become habit again for her to sleep in her bed and not ours. Sometimes we just need that initial kick in the butt to do something, then soon enough it becomes second nature.
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@Boopers: Oh good! LO is still too young to understand but I'm looking forward using it with her.
@wonderstruck: With L&L (and this article seems to be similar), there are still consequences, but the child is choosing the consequence, so it's not called "time out." But that's in effect what it is. It's just instead of threatening time out you give the child the choice to stop and stay with the family or continue but choose to go to his/her room.
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I definitely believe in positive, gentle, and respectful parenting.
My goal is to create a healthy, happy, well functioning adult - not a compliant or easy child. I make decisions based on how everything will effect her in the long run, not just what is easiest in the moment.
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@lawbee11: I'm really interested in Love and Logic. Maybe I'll buy the book this week.
I feel like my brain is wired to shush my kids in public when they're screaming or put DS in a timeout when he's acting out...I really want to look into positive parenting since I agree with the idea of it, it's just a matter of me following through.
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@HLK208: You know, I don't think it's always a bad thing to have different parenting styles. My husband and I have total opposite personalities, but it helps to keep everything in moderation in our lives, including parenting. Our son is quite well behaved with very little discipline, which could very well be his temperament, but I'd also like to think that we've gotten to this point so far by the combination of both of our styles.
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