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Wine.

Seriously, my son is almost three and very verbal for his age. He talks a ton and is constantly learning new words and expressions. That is very fun to watch.

And he is extremely affectionate towards me. (Downside: He has a huge mommy preference which can be exhausting.) He gives me lots of hugs and lately he has been telling me things like, "I love you so much" and "We're the best of friends."

However, when he was 9 months old while I thought he was cute I was completely exhausted and could barely get through the day. I was still pumping at work, and I just found having an infant to be sooooooo demanding. Between that and working full time I could never find a minute to clear my head. It got a little better around 10 months when I stopped pumping at work, and again at 16 mo when I joined a gym.

So you might just be legit exhausted from having a preschooler plus an infant. Maybe you need some more help or some time to yourself to take the edge off.

I had a long time feeling like this and for me it came down to self care. It sounds cliche, but when im so tired and overwhelmed I take it out on everyone around me. The joy came back when I took some pressure off.

For me this means going back to work instead of being a SAHM. Also, one night a week i dont come home after work. DH beings the kids home and does the evening with them and i run errands or meet a friend for dinner..i just take some time for myself. Just in the last few weeks I started exercising again and that has helped too.

Also, hearing from people further down the road from me that this season is REALLY HARD and it will eventually get easier has helped me a lot. The feeling that this would never end because parenting is just hard was soul crushing. But there is something about sleep deprivation....it is torture.

Hang in there momma. You are doing a great job.

I agree that you can't really enjoy parenting when you are so deprived of sleep. It puts me into a rage when people tell me to enjoy this time so I will never say that to parents of young children! It f-ing sucks. Anyway as Lion pointed out, self care is key. I also needed to go back to work just to get a break. We hire sitters and take anyone up on offers to watch the kids so we can get out. And getting out of the bedtime grind once in a while is sweet wonderful bliss that I can't recommend enough!

I also have to keep reminding myself that DS 1 is only 3 and I should stop expecting him to have the maturity of a 35 year old. Sounds silly but just remembering that every once in a while really does help!

@Modern Daisy: reminding myself that she is only 3 is huge for me. She is so verbal and understands so much, it's easy for me to forget how hard things are for her and how young she is, especially when I am comparing her to the baby. Actually watching her get herself dressed is a good reminder for me that she's so young and everything is a challenge. She's just learning to do buttons so watching that is kind of frustrating and kind of adorable.

@Ajsmommy: Your nights sound so relaxing!!!!

@Cherrybee: Awww...Sometimes I just want to give you a hug/wine/girls night/weekend away/babysitter.

As PPs have said, having young kids is hard. There's no doubt about that. But also, I don't want to be a Pollyanna about this, but I find joy every single day in parenting. Even on the hard days. Like yesterday, my littler one (who is the high maintenance personality in our family) was just semi awful for no reason. Wouldn't eat, very fussy, tantrums all day, up half the night. But we still had a good hour where we had crazy fun because we were playing chase in the house and the rules were I had to hold dd2 and run, so my speed would more closely match dd1. So we were chasing each other around and screaming with laughter. That was my exercise for the day.

I know you've said in the past you struggle with anxiety and/or depression. I think. Is it possible you need meds, or your meds need adjusting? You have a challenging older child and some of your descriptions about feeling joyless make me think you need a little adjustment--and there's no shame in that!

One other thing--you seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself. To do all the house chores, to be a great mom. You've posted a bit about your own mom, so I absolutely see why you want to be different/better. But you can't do it all. I also know you've said you can't relax and have fun until chores are done, and that because of your husband's health issues you do a lot of solo parenting. I do think to avoid burnout you have to figure out some configuration where you can have chores done AND have time to enjoy your kids. Maybe a house cleaner every other week? If you can't make that happen, then as PPs have said, know that this is a stage, and at some point your girls will be older and won't need you anymore.

One benefit of me working in education is that I see every spectrum of parent/child dynamics. I see the uninvolved, the downright abusive, the helicopters, the overindulgent, the amazing parents. And seeing that huge spectrum makes me realize that even on my worst days, I am better that so many parents out there. And you are, too! Just the fact that you spend so much time on a parenting website, trying to fine tune your parenting tells me that. I mean, my god I work with kids whose mom is in jail, and whose dad shuttles them to various friends/family members to spend the night, where they may have to sleep in a living room on the floor with a tv blaring, where they have no stability, where they don't know where they'll be sleeping each night. You are miles and miles and miles ahead and you are doing a good job.

Hang on, you are close to things getting better! I have a 4 year old and a 21 month old and honestly, within the past month it has gotten really good. They are better able to play and they actually hang out and have fun together. Not always, but a good amount of the time. I literally just told my husband last night that I feel really good about things right now and for an eternal pessimist such as myself, that's not a frequent occurrence

@gentlelunette: ughhh yes the love they give on their own!!!!!

@MrsADS: Sleep is no joke!

For me the easiest route to joy is getting outside. I think of self care as a life raft when I'm overwhelmed, but as far as actually experiencing joy as a parent, it is when I am outside with my kids. There's a park that sits beside a river in my town and I love to take my kids and watch them throw sticks in the water and watch my gross motor delayed kid attempt to climb up the playset. That's the type of childhood I always wanted to give my children and so it all clicks for me when I can give them that. I will say for me, the age separation you have right now was hardest. Those were dark survival days. I was at home with a 3.5 yo and a 9 month old and every day felt like an awful groundhog day. They had opposite nap schedules so many days we were stuck indoors until 4. My 3.5 was potty training and regularly I was pulling him out of restaurants, stores, etc., for bad behavior. Now that I am working again I look back at myself in pure amazement. I actually took both kids hiking solo...would accompany my husband on work travel and take the kids to lunch in the city...I don't do that anymore but I was so desperate to get out of the house that I would do about anything. I am glad that year is behind me!

@Foodnerd81: as far as transitioning from SAH to working mom...I did the part time nigh job thing for a while, then part time day, then went back for a second career. I just graduated in December and am planning to look for full time work this spring while I continue to work part time at night. LO1 is in preschool and LO2 is at home. DH will leave work early on the nights I work. Already we do self care nights and switch off as sitters for the other.

There is a book called mitten strings for god. It's not particularly religious, but it is a book from the perspective of a parent who embraces a low/no media approach and she's a little preachy about that
but- it's a great book. Short little chapters that are each a reflection on parenthood. I re read it when I'm struggling. The biggest take away for me is that it's easy to fall into this trap of thinking that the vacations, the performances, the parties, etc are the "happy" times of life. But we spend so much more of our time vacuuming and doing the dishes and wiping noses and reminded them that it's bed time. If we can learn to find joy in those acts, to see them as expressions of love, we can enjoy our lives so much more than if we only enjoy the big moments.

That said, it's hard day in and day out. It's relentless. If you have time you might consider therapy, just as a way to reconnect with yourself and to rule out depression. Irritability can be a symptom.
You are doing a great job!

I totally get the exhaustion. I have a 13 month old who hasn't slept through the night basically ever. He's sick all the time unless he's on antibiotics and we are about to start allergy and immunology work ups to find out what's going on. I also have a 4 year old daughter who is adorable but way too smart for her own good and a total negotiator/sass queen so she can wear me out. On top of that I have a full time job that's extremely stressful right now and a husband who works long hours. (To those above who SAH and think adding a job to the mix would lessen the stress I would caution you to really think through the pros and cons before making that change. Wearing two hats is hard). I know how hard it can be to do it all on limited sleep and lots of stress.

However, I find joy every day. When my big girl loves on her baby brother, or when brother tries to say a new word, or someone gives me a random snuggle. If your children really and truly do not make you happy unless they are sitting down and being quiet, I think it's time to invest in some therapy. It seems like you've had a number of posts saying that you're really not happy with your current life situation, and I think you should take some action to improve that as much as possible. A bunch of strangers on the internet telling you what makes US feel joy, won't make you feel joy in those same things.

@Cherrybee: I have a 28 month old and an 8 month old. It's crazy around here but we prioritize sleep and naps and rest for EVERYONE. We have the kids on a schedule and half the days I take a short nap when the baby naps. DS1 is high energy but we have him in preschool, we hire a sitter on Saturday mornings to run him ragged at the park, and DH actually monitors my sleep to make sure I'm getting enough rest. I have had PPD and PPA for both boys and have a history of depression and anxiety issues so sleep deprivation is a massive exacerbating factor that I have to keep an eye on. So don't feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better.

The joys right now are watching my boys laugh and love on each other. DS1 is my independent non-touchy child but recently he's been just walking up and asking for hugs. He's also had some speech delays but recently had a huge language explosion so watching him learn words and use them is fascinating. The other morning I walked in to his room and he said "how are you?" I died.

8 month old is clingy right now but he's also sooo happy when he's held so I'm just trying to enjoy the snuggles instead of being zapped from the whining.

@FaithFertility: it's the best when they just love so freely!

I completely feel you (2 year old and a 3 week old), and agree with mostly everyone else... I think it boils down, for me, A) self care. If I don't do anything for myself or have any down time, resentment builds up and I take out on DH/kids B) communication... I let stuff build up a lot... Starts with "oh.. this is just a phase... it's fine.. I can do it..." and then just builds and builds and again, resentment builds up. Often times I just need someone, anyone to acknowledge how hard it is, that I'm trying my best, and that it's gonna be okay.

And def chant over and over again "the days are long but the years are short"!!!