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We rarely fight but our discussions are usually about time/work/hobbies/balancing coparenting etc. DH is supportive but travels a lot for work, on city council and lives to golf. I’m mostly SAH and have few hobbies that take me out of the house.

Most of our tension comes from feeling overwhelmed/resentful over our division of household/childcare/adulting responsibilities. We generally help each other out to get over it.

@crazydoglady: Exactly this for us too.

I’m so grateful that we don’t have many fights, but when we do it’s almost always about how we spend our time.

Household tasks for sure. This man will never ever clean, nor finish a home improvement project without me telling him to. He has absolutely no problem doing it, but can never manage to think of doing it his damn self on his own. I don't like feeling like I'm forcing anyone to do anything ... it's wearing me down for sure.

Parenting.

@Ajsmommy: we totally do this resentfulness cycle too. Not so often big fights but this frequent low level thing which might be worse because it doesn’t resolve.

We used to fight more about extended family stuff too, it wasn’t all the time but I dreaded conversations about holidays and visits. We’re almost to 9 years married and it’s finally getting better!

Thinking back to our bigger fights, it's usually because we were speaking the wrong love language to each other. DH gets upset when he feels neglected, but I get upset that he feels neglected because I'm already running on fumes from everything else. So we have to be pretty intentional to fill each other's cups. We are also working on not letting it build up into a big fight but just call each other our in love when either one of us feel neglected or underappreciated.

this is interesting to think about! i think we have two fights: one is just out of hangriness (for me) and lack of caffeine (for him), and we both definitely have the capacity to be real dicks for no reason if we find ourselves in that place. but the more substantive fights we have are about parenting, and mostly about co-parenting. basically, my husband is an awesome dad, and deserves a TON of credit for how much parenting he really does. given my long work hours, he probably solo parents more than me in any given week. and he works a lot of hours too, and he's basically a hero about it. but, he's somewhat obsessed with parenting efficiency. in other words, if i'm working hard or doing a work event, he is a great sport about taking on child care. but if i get home from work early, he completely checks out and gets on the computer and vegs out. which, on the one hand i should be forgiving of given how much he does at work and for our son, but on the other hand, i feel like it's ok and not completely inefficient for us to occasionally parent AT THE SAME TIME. we often had the same issue when i was breastfeeding, where sometimes i would be sick of doing all the night feeds and would wake him up and he would FLIP OUT because he just felt like it made no sense for us both to suffer. which is logically true but honestly i did kind of want him to suffer with me haha the other week i told him i sometimes feel like we are parallel parenting and he laughed and seemed to get what i was saying. weekends are better where we do meals and activities together, and i think really what it comes down to is we're both just exhausted/surviving during the week.

Ours is patterns of communication vs. a specific issue. DH's large family primarily uses passive aggressive comments to communicate displeasure and they are all constantly on the lookout for drama , while mine is very direct and addresses things as they come up without necessarily trying to spare feelings while doing so. So, DH is constantly assuming i'm upset about something when I'm not (and it could be anything), and gets very very upset when I address something directly and thinks I'm yelling at him.

Ugh. We're working on it. My bro/sis in-laws and I commiserate all the time, lol!

Communication - we fight the most about how we communicate with each other.

@nwm: we’ve had this parallel parenting issue too before our second was born. It was like we each were trying to get our parenting tasks done so we could veg while the other took over and it just didn’t work well.
@JennyPenny: feel you on the rude comment thing. Sometimes I know I’m being a little testy but I wish he could just let it slide sometimes. We haven’t been great at just giving each other grace lately.

I don’t know how to vote! Some of our issues are communication based (he basicallly doesn’t like to talk about anything), others how we spend time (free time specifically),, household tasks like @SugarplumsMom: (Hate having to ask. Well aware he isn’t doing something bc he doesn’t want to - yet my tasks can’t be put off like many of his can...), general resentment for who knows what. Also me just getting overwhelmed or anxious and so I’ll get upset over something that wouldn’t otherwise bother me. That’s prob the number one thing really.

@Portboston: This. Care to share any tips you have picked up in therapy?

@JennyPenny: I think we’re dealing with the same person! Even down to the rude thing. My husband also always thinks I’m nagging him and my answer is “If you’re only awake at home for 1-2 hours a day, then I have to or else nothing will get done.” I think guys have a very hard time recognizing and fitting into their schedules everything that has to be done when you have family. A point of contention for me is that DH works very late, and if he’d just get up and go to work earlier he would t have to work so late.

@wrkbrk: oh gosh there’s so much...I think the main thing was that he was constantly rejecting me (and never initiating). Our therapist equated it to how someone would feel if they never knew when they were getting fed next. Like he would reject me but not offer up a option like “how about tomorrow night” Which he was able to understand. So we were able to get more on the same page that way which really helped. (Less rejection/bullshit reasons, or he would offer up another option). We also learned we need more foreplay outside of the bedroom....sexy texts, more affection, etc. that helps me feel like he’s into me in a sexual way (he sucks at expressing that).

@MamaBear87: Well evidently a table knife is not sharp enough to be the proper one ... even though mind you it CUT THEM FINE.

@wrkbrk: yes I felt the same way. It took a long time for him to understand I NEEDED it (my love language if you will). I highly recommend therapy with someone who specializes in this area if you have access to it. It took us a long time to get to a point where we’re both realatively happy with it.

@wrkbrk: if it cuts it fine it's fair game in my book.
I do my best to ask myself if whatever I'm going to snap about, or even mention, will matter tomorrow. And if it doesn't I just don't bring it up. My svt has given me some serious perspective and I'm hoping I keep this feeling