How have other people navigated their kids finding out about a relative's problem with alcohol?
My uncle has a long term girlfriend with a very significant problem with alcohol (and past issues with drug use). They are around our kids a decent amount, especially because we have traveled with them in the last couple of years. She drinks throughout the day, a lot and every day, but it's usually from an opaque water bottle, so it's not super obvious. She also (and this is BONKERS) takes open containers of alcohol in the car (again, in a water bottle or other cup. not like a beer bottle) while my uncle is driving. I know that's not illegal in all states, but it's definitely illegal where we live.
Sometimes by the evening she slurs her words a bit but she typically doesn't appear too impaired. When we travel she tends to "nap" in the afternoon. But sometimes she does get emotional, loud, or mildly argumentative by the evenings. If she was ever visibly drunk or doing anything upsetting, I would certainly remove the kids from the situation. Early on in their relationship, DH and I wanted to set the boundary that she couldn't be around the kids if she was drinking, but that became apparent over time that if we want to see my uncle, she will be there and drinking. I have a really small family, so I really want to maintain my relationship with him.
We have a 10 year old who seems, so far, mostly unaware of what's going on. She also had a recent family tragedy, so the couple of times on a trip that she was being a bit erratic, I just reminded him that she is having a hard time right now. But I feel like at some point he should know. Right?? I'm not sure what my reasoning is though. She's very nice to him, so I don't want him to feel like he can't be around her, but she has a history of being very erratic and so I don't want him to get too attached or feel like she's always a safe person to be around. Also, my uncle is absolutely in denial/feels like he has to protect and take care of her. And while I know she knows she has a problem, she also seems extremely unaware of the severity. On a trip last year, she suggested that my husband and I leave the kids with her for a couple of hours so that we could do some sightseeing with my uncle after we watched her drink literally from 10am until 4. Thoughts? Suggestions? It just feels like a bananas situation to navigate, and I feel lucky that I haven't had to deal with anything like this before.
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I grew up around a lot of drinking and can remember times as a kid when the adults around me were visibly drunk, but I didn’t make the connection until maybe 12 or 13. At a certain point your oldest will understand what’s going on as he understands more about alcohol. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, and if he asks you explain that Aunt X is making decisions that you think are wrong and the reasons why.
In terms of leaving kids in the care of an obvious alcoholic or letting them ride in the car with open containers it’s a hard no for me. But with a white lie about why. My go to reason why not to leave my kids with a family member who wants time alone with my kids but who I don’t trust is to tell them that I’m happy to spend time together but as a working mom I get so little time with my babies, I can’t imagine giving up the little bit I have.
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@karenbme: Thanks for your thoughts! Yes, when she offered to watch the kids, I just kept saying that DD was too little and nervous to be left without us. I would never say anything to them directly unless it was a huge, immediate safety risk, given how little they seem to be aware of the severity of the problem. Do you remember as a tween/teenager - did you ask other adults what was going on or just notice the change in behavior and make a connection to the alcohol?
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I started talking about that stuff with my kids at a very young age (3 & 6 years old). My sister is estranged and very obviously hooked on drugs. She shows up at family gatherings every once in a while and I can see that my daughter seems uncomfortable around her (my sister), because she can tell something is different about how she behaves. I try to keep things as age appropriate as possible when I discuss this with them. I really drive home the point that addiction can happen to anyone who experiments, nobody plans on getting hooked, she is self-medicating a mental health issue so it is super important to take care of your own mental health instead of using substances as an escape, we still love her and want her to be well….etc.
One of my big reasons for having this dialogue so young is that, as a middle school health teacher, I see many of my students starting to experiment with drugs/alcohol. They all believe they are invincible and that they will never get addicted. I am in a position with my own children where I can point to a real member of the family as an example of what can happen. My kids can literally see my sister’s struggle, and they also see how it affects (hurts/upsets) all of our family members that love and care about her. I hope that having this dialogue prevents them from experimenting with drugs when they are older.
Also, fwiw I would never let my kids out of my sight if she is around. I don’t think she is a danger to them, but you never know what someone could do when they are desperate or in an altered mental state. They see her MAYBE once a year.
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@Chuckles: I never specifically asked anyone about it, but it was also behavior that was in my house pretty regularly. If I had a little more space from the situation I might have, but I was mostly oblivious to it when I was younger. It first clicked for me that something was different when we watched a video in sixth grade health class that the kids in the videos were acting like certain people in my life.
It sounds like your aunt is a lot like my family members—not someone you would leave alone with your kids, but not aggressive or dangerous to the people around them. I try to make space for people who love our kids, but with guardrails (see my other post). My three year old has already picked up on some of it, and I’ve talked to her in age appropriate ways about people feeling sleepy or silly. Tweens are tough, though, it’s a hard line to walk between alcohol is bad/dangerous without making it dominate their perception of the person. Good luck!
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I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. What an awfully difficult situation!
My concern is, by all of you not saying anything & allowing the behavior to continue, you are implicitly enabling it. Your 10 year old may have a better idea of what's going on than you might even imagine (after all, drinking & its affects are even discussed in Harry Potter). Therefore, I don't think I would feel comfortable not saying anything because, as lilbear said, you don't want your son to think that what she's doing is something that you condone (or would want to see him engage in). If you need resources for how to discuss it with him, you might find information on Al Anon, which is like AA for family members of alcoholics. Good luck!
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@poppygirl15: Unfortunately, earlier on in their relationship, various family members reached out and tried to address things and it went very poorly. Because of that experience, I'm really hesitant to try again. I think it would really damage my relationship with my uncle.
@poppygirl15: and @Lilbear: We've definitely talked to our 10yo about drugs and alcohol in more general terms. I'm sure that over the next couple of years our conversations will get more specific as he's closer to the age that peers might be drinking or using drugs. I'm sure that eventually we'll end up addressing her behavior with him directly.
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My husband's twin brother died a couple years ago from alcoholism. Our kids are younger, so we haven't discussed it with them yet, but we plan to be open and honest about it, in an age appropriate way.
I would definitely tell your kids that she has an unhealthy addiction to alcohol and drinking a lot of alcohol changes the way people act. I would tell them that addiction is a form of disease. She's not a mean or bad person, but she isn't healthy.
I would certainly never leave my children alone with this person, or let them drive a car, obviously.
And I'm sure your uncle is aware of the problem. It sounds like he's enabling her, but speaking from experience, you really can't do anything until the person wants to change themselves. We did countless interventions, aided with rehab, tried tough love, etc. It's a really sad situation.
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