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There’s a term for this that I learned about recently:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia

I don’t have any advice for you though! I think i’d be concerned a bit too.

I think the line is in how he talks about it. There's a difference to me in saying, "I feel better when I don't eat that" and "OMG, I can't eat that" I also think that the the line is drawn when there cannot be any exceptions. Like would he not eat a piece of birthday cake or a special treat for an occasion.

As a side note, it really wouldn't bother me that you're eating different things at the dinner table. You're already a step ahead of me by sitting down together.

I would suggest you and your husband sitting down and discussing how your different diets are incompatible and what that shows/teaches your children. As adults, you two get to choose what you eat, but as parents, you make the decision on what your children eat. Between the two of you, how are you approaching what your children eat? Does your husband want your children to follow the keto diet? Do you want your kids to eat vegetarian? What is the happy medium and how can you accomplish that goal through family meals?

I'm vegan but my DH isn't, and we've worked out a good system that's supportive of each other's eating choices. I don't pressure him to give up animal products and he doesn't pressure me to eat meat. We share dinner duties and often cook together (no kids in the picture at this point). We also seek out recipes that can be modified to fit both our needs, so that we aren't making multiple dinners every night and we're still "breaking bread" together.

Is it possible for you to talk with him about it? Maybe express that you support his food choices and commend his dedication, but express how you'd love it if meals could feel more connected. Focus the convo less on the problems with his diet and more on how the two of you can work as a team to make mealtime successful for your family, so that he won't feel disrespected and get defensive. Try to find some recipes that meet vegetarian + keto and suggest trying them? (I understand the challenge in that.) Hope this is helpful...

@kiddosc: I agree with this and I actually feel a ton better when I eat keto but I would never push my choices on my kids and I serve most meals in a way where I can just eat the meat or whatever w veggies, kids have meat + veg + potatoes/rice/noodles and husband can grab whatever from that. I would think you guys could do the same? Cook a meat + many veg + bean sides or whatever you like and kids get to choose between everything and so do you and husband. Basically we Ellen satter (sp?) it. All things can put on the table, everyone can choose what they’re eating.

I would have a problem if this were being discussed poorly in front of the kids - we never act like any food is good/bad/off limits, however I’m not sure how you approach that as a vegetarian?

@BadgerMom and @kiddosc make a good point, I think. I might be vegan, but I also ate a nonvegan cupcake this weekend when I was with a group of friends who were all indulging. Balance is important.

While I totally get the critique of saying "what's wrong with a tomato" and see where it's coming from, I can also see the opposite side re: keto. Either argument is a judgment on the other person's eating choices and puts the other person in an awful position.

I think it’s ok to eat different foods. If he’s doing the cooking it does not seem super impactful to you to accommodate him. I think a short chat about the way words are chosen around your kids may be helpful. Or compromise and eat the same meal 2 nights a week? DH is gluten sensitive and I eat all the carbs so it’s not unusual for us to have different lunches/dinners- often with the same protein though.

That said- I had a friend who was dating a guy like this and the restrictive/obsessive diet/gym time was so impactful to her- like they could not eat out and he would never eat outside the rules was enough to amplify other concerns. They broke up.

Both of you have restrictive diets I could never understand or follow, they just happen to be different, so I'm not sure why being restricted as a vegetarian seems to be more "acceptable" of a diet choice than his keto choices. Same thing to me, just different type of food.

My only concern would be that the kids don't associate food choices that aren't really health risk like highly processed junk food and stuff like that, as "bad". And even then, moderation does not make even bad foods the devil. He may not be "able" to eat a tomato, but a tomato certainly isn't bad and I wouldn't want them to think that it was. I actually think it's great if they want to learn about nutrition, but not as black and white hard rules that need to apply to them... but just something to learn about that they can decide for themselves as adults when they are more suited to make those choices.

I thought vegetarianism and eating less meat was generally considered to be healthy and better for many reasons (planet, health, ethical) whereas keto is kind of a fad or at least a newer way to eat for a lot of people. And yes I know it actually is an older method of eating and can treat various medical issues but the majority of people aren’t using it that way these days.

I went through a much less intense version of this with my husband. For me the challenge was that he diet he was focused on restricting healthy foods, just like the keto diet restricts entire families of vegetables, whole grains, certain fruits, etc. People often latch on to fad diets for illogical reasons and just like any eating disorder, it is very difficult to convince them otherwise (my husband had literally just heard about it from a doctor he liked). If your husband actually believes that apples are “bad,” then I would say you need to have a serious discussion about how this will impact your children. Like others said if eating this way makes him feel better then fine, just figure out a way you can enjoy food together as a family like @gingerebe. I would ask him what his response would be if one of your children asked him if he wanted a bite of something healthy like an apple and he said no. What would he say if they asked “Why?” He shouldn’t be telling them any whole food is unhealthy. Demonstrating restrictive eating (like “apples are a bad food,” as opposed to “some foods don’t make Daddy feel well, so he enjoys other healthy foods but apples don’t bother your belly or Mommy’s belly so we can still enjoy them.”) to children is really unacceptable (FWIW I was anorexic in high school).

I’ve lost 60lbs by counting calories. A lot of people consider that behavior disordered. But an eating disorder is a major mental illness. And I’m 100% sure I do not have an eating disorder. After a lifetime of obesity I have finally found a healthy relationship with food and I would be so hurt if my spouse weren’t supportive of me. That said, if he were seriously worried (and not just like “ugh, why do you have to log one bite of a cookie??”), I’d try to listen. Because an eating disorder is serious and I would listen, just as I’d listen if he were to tell me I need help for depression.

But one thing that I absolutely forbid in front of my kids is food moralizing. Foods are not inherently good or bad. I don’t even really like using the word “healthy” because its meaning is so variable.

Food can be addictive and I wouldn’t tell an alcoholic that abstaining from alcohol was too extreme. Some people are like that with foods.

That said, you know your husband the best. If you truly believe he needs professional help, he should get it! But it should be a serious conversation and not a fight where you’re both just irritated at the other because each other’s eating habits are inconvenient.

I started a keto diet about 18 months ago and it was HUGE life changer for me. I had done lots of different types of dieting and exercise and keto was literally the first thing that really WORKED for me. It can be amazing to FINALLY find the thing that works for your body and makes you feel good! So I totally understand why your husband would be gung-ho for it! I'd be defensive too if someone got on my case about what I was eating/not eating just because it didn't mesh with what they were eating or not. My husband was really supportive of my dietary changes and I really appreciated his support.

But it was a little hard on my family. We used to have pasta 2-3 times a week and we cut it out completely for a while until I started eating spaghetti squash instead, and then we had pasta/spaghetti squash about once a week. We also used to have other vegetables, but some vegetables are more carby than others, so my family had to make do with zucchini, summer squash, and broccoli. My husband loves peas, but I stopped making them for him! We used have breaded haddock and pork tenderloin, but we stopped having those too.

For the most part though, I was the main cook, so I'd make a meat and vegetable that I could have plus a carb for the rest of the family (noodles, rice, potatoes, etc.). I imagine in your case, it's even harder to do that since you don't even eat the meat.

It sounds like your husband is doing what works for him while trying to accommodate the rest of your family. I would try to maybe be more supportive of his diet, but also talk about how it's important to not label foods bad or good in front of your kids. When the rest of my family is having pasta and I'm having a salad, I just tell them that Mommy's body doesn't react well to a lot of carbs, so I try not to eat as many, but that carbs are really good for growing little kids, so they should eat up!

One thing to keep in mind about the keto diet is that there is no thing as "moderation" with regards to carbs. Generally, most people shoot for 20 net carbs a day from all sources in order to keep their body in a fat burning state called ketosis. Its hard to get into ketosis when you start out, you feel like hell (its called the keto flu) while your electrolytes and system shifts from burning sugar for fuel to ketones found in fat. People on the keto diet work hard to stay in ketosis because its hard getting back IN to ketosis when you fall off and because the side effects from keto flu make you feel like crap. I would say for most people it takes about a month to 6 weeks of strict keto to get your body fully adjusted to a fat adapted state (hence why he may not want to eat starchier vegetables). After all that hard work and will power, you don't really want to undo. Being in ketosis ensures you are in a fat burning state (weight loss), but lots of people also really enjoy the keto diet because the lack of sugar spikes in your day means your energy is consistent and you have lots of clarity and focus. Again, things that would be worth skipping a bite of cake for.

During the first month I was keto, I accidentally got "sugared" by a seasoning mix on some chicken wings that were supposed to be naked. I could barely get through the afternoon, I was so tired, and I felt off for like 2-3 days afterwards. Since then, I have been very diligent not to get sugared again so that I don't have to deal with that.

So if your husband seems overly strict about his vegetable choices, it may be because he wants to ensure he is fully in ketosis. If his goal in doing keto is to lose weight for the most part, then he may stick to very low carb veggies like spinach for a long time. However, many ketoers, including myself, eat lots of other veggies and just fit it into our macros (i.e. that 20 net carb number).

Perhaps you can talk to your husband about doing very low or zero carb for breakfast and lunch and then spend all his carbs at dinnertime when the family eats together to provide him with more leeway in his vegetable choices. If he has 10-15 of his carbs to blow at dinner, that's actually a LOT of vegetables.

Veggies that have worked for our entire family are zucchini and green beans, salad greens, bamboo shoots, green bell peppers, and avocado. We eat a lot of those things. I can usually throw in keto friendly veggies like broccoli florets, cauliflower, and mushrooms into our dishes and just leave them in pieces big enough that we can pick out for DH.

@nana87: i think as long as he is getting all thr nutrients he needs from all the food groups thats the main concern. if he is missing out on all carbs including those naturally occurring in fruits and veggies then i would be concerned. Because natutal sugars are in nearly everything and not all of them are bad.

@Mrs. Museum: thank you! That’s what I posted as well and I was surprised no one agreed.

@mrsbubbletea: @Mrs. Museum: I agree with the etichal/environmental reasons for vegetarianism - but we have our own chickens for eggs, raise meat chickens, and don’t eat red meat (if we did we would raise it) - and I still feel better on low carbs. So I think you can still do “keto” and support the environment and eat a plant based diet. Plus I think it’s pretty much a fact that my growing children need many more carbs then me.

Also this is an aside : but you can pretty easily do an aquaponics system and set up your own fish for food as well, so everyone grow their own food