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DH is an only, and he often talks about how lonely his childhood was. I think that falls more on his parents though...They were just really disinterested. I would be ok only having one.
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I have just always pictured having 2 or more kids. I grew up with 2 sisters and our bond is like nothing else, and although I know that it doesnt always work out that way, i do think having siblings growing up is something i have always wanted my children to expeience. I think sibings learn a lot from eachother- how to share, how to play, how to stick up for eachother, etc. and DH and I have always pictured having more than 1 child.
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I have never considered just having one (well, maybe when DS was a fussy newborn it crossed my mind). I have a sister and I have so many wonderful memories of our childhood together. I want DS to hopefully have that same experience with a sibling.
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I grew up with two younger siblings, my DH was an only child. He didn't particularly like being an only child and always longed for a sibling growing up. We always thought we'd have more than one, but would find myself second guessing that after DS came along. I think it finally hit me when my FIL passed away 3 months ago and watching DH go through that "alone". After that I knew we would have another. Also, I do feel like it will make our family more "complete".
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I don't even have a good, concrete answer for this besides, "because I want more". It's just kind of a gut feeling for the most part. And I kind of feel like, "i love her so much, I want more of this"
one of the reasons I want more than one is that my brother died 5+ years ago. now i am an only child. I feel like my family is kind of...nonexistent. and part of me wants a big family with kids and their lives fingering off mine. Like a tree. But it's not like it's driving my whole decision.
I think a *huge* factor in this decision is an easy baby, honestly. Pregnancy was emotionally tough (but i think my issue is ironed out with meds now so i hope that is a non-issue in the future), delivery was fine, baby is chill...I'm not scarred.
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We were going to be one and done (initially), but Lala came into our lives and brought such joy. We watched her interact with all her little buddies and longed for her to have a deep and abiding relationship with someone who would be her kin forever, even after we were gone. This was especially important to me as an older mom, because though I plan to live a long healthy life, one never knows what will happen.
Also, I wanted her to have someone to share all those silly childhood memories with, the same way I have siblings who all I need to say is "my breath doesn't smell like salami" to have all of us dissolve into uncontollable giggles.
In short, we decided life is sweeter with someone to share it with
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For us, we think its important for our children to experience sibling bonding. I think it is a lot more than just the parents having more than one child but that the children have a friend for life. And to be honest, it does give us parents a little bit of a break because they have a play mate.
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@MsLipGloss: if I can handle two and a big career, surely you can too! I don't know that I could handle three, but two is entirely doable!
And I totally get what you mean about "before it is decided for you". Huge issue!
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@mrs. wagon: wow your aha moment got to me. I'm gonna go home and tell DH I want number 2 now! Haha! Kidding...sorta.
I've always knew I wanted two because I want DD to have a bestie growing up and to make sweet memories with. I think that's the best gift I can give her -- and to us.
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What if your kids aren't friends with their siblings?....is it just so uncommon that it doesn't hit your radar?
I just wonder...I wasn't super close with my brother as he got older (maybe when we were little bitty) so the whole "guaranteed forever friendship" thing doesn't ping my radar, yet *everyone* seems to talk about it. A good chunk of my friends aren't close to their siblings, either....
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I think it is something people don't talk about, if they're not that close.
It is very common to not be best friends.
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I love kids and always wanted several of my own. Even though I loved being a mom to one kiddo I didn't feel complete. That said, the imminent reason was to give my eldest a playmate, and I can already say that at ages 2 and 8 months they love each other and I am already getting a preview of the future (eldest is very protective of his baby brother, and on the other hand, the younger one is already "bothering" his older brother). I don't think we are done, but I really love being a family of 4!
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@blackbird: here's my take on the sibling thing. Sure, relationships have their ups an downs... But I'm old enough now where I've gone through extended periods where I haven't talked to a sibling or we've even been mad at each other... And I sit there and think "man, this is never going to be any better"... But you know what? Over time, it always is... And the relationship deepens.
I just finished a year time period where there was deep Hirt and resentment with a member of my family, but we got through it and will continue to grow. It's not perfect and it's not always rosy, but it's real and it is meaningful and provides connection and grounding. No one can be more real with you than a sibling, which is why sometimes sib relationships are so hard yet impactful!
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For us, we both wanted fairly large families (2+ kids). Now that we have 2, we're definitely not interested in having a 3rd!
There's no guarantee that siblings will be BFFs but I had a brother growing up and we did everything together. Most of my fondest memories are of us playing and laughing and getting into mischief. Now as adults, we're not super close (we talk maybe once a month if that). But if push came to shove, we'd have each other's backs no matter what. And that's what I want for my kids. They don't have to be besties, but I want them to have each other's backs. I also don't want my son to bear all of the responsibility of having to take care of us when we're older. Right now, my brother and I split responsibilities but my DH is an only child and feels a lot of weight on his shoulders (physically, emotionally and financially), taking care of his elderly parents. He said that growing up, he didn't mind being an only child. But now that he's older, he definitely wishes he had a sibling. So based on our personal experiences, our decision to have 2 was fairly easy. But this is a personal decision based on our own life experiences. There's always that chance my kids will completely hate each other as kids and adults. Within our families and friends, we haven't seen a case where the siblings hate each other. They may not be super close but they all would have each other's backs. Ideally, my kids would be best friends forever!! But that's not realistic and that's ok with us.
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@blackbird: Yes, you're right. Giving my child a sibling wasn't a guarantee that he would have a best friend for life, but it was a guaranteed relationship. Whether that relationship develops into good/bad or close/distant will be completely up to them when they're older. I merely provided the opportunity for the dynamic to exist.
For me, it's like parenting. There is no guarantee that you will like your parents when you're older, but that doesn't negate the fact that the relationship exists. In adulthood that relationship {and others} becomes what you choose to make of it. I'm hopeful that my boys will be close, but if they're not, I accept that it's beyond my control.
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Following. I have started to struggle with this, very recently. I have always desired a big family. However, once I got pregnant with DD and actually started to experience the emotional, physical, and financial realities of having children, I figured I would be okay with only two, three children max. I had pretty immediate baby fever when DD was six weeks old, but have since changed my tune quite a bit. I look at DD, and am overcome with the thought of loving another, like, it isn't possible, or something I might ever want to attempt.
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@shinymama: Oh, well put!
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@banana: I thought the same thing about what you said! DH is also a single, and we've had long talks about what will happen when his mom's health begins to fail.
And, heck yes to having each other's backs! I can call my brother stupid, but Lord help whoever else does.
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@shinymama:
My DH has a hard time with it, mainly emotionally He feels alone because he knows that nobody will feel as much love for his parents and he does. He was dead set on having 2 kids after dealing with this as an adult. And yes!!! I can yell at my brother, call him all sorts of names and not talk to him for months. But if anyone even lays a finger on him, watch out!!!! He's my younger brother so I've always had this "older sister bear" mentality. I forget that he's not 12 anymore. haha. We're not besties but we've got each other's backs. It's comforting.
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To give my child a sibling, because my husband wants one, and because I love to be pregnant. In that order. I don't really feel a pressing need for one, but I think I'd enjoy it.
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Always knew I wanted children! I loved having a sibling and I double love being a mom. I would have a lot more if my husband were open to it but two is my absolute minimum. My son is perfect and I am so blessed to have him alone but I really would ache for a sib for him.
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@mrs. wagon: @mslipgloss: I was lucky (I guess?) in that I had a very uncomplicated C-section so delivery was a breeze! But I was so, so unprepared for how horrendous the sickness would be, for most of the pregnancy, for how swollen I would get, how much pain etc..... I see all these ladies who don't put weight on anywhere else (I had legs like the Mitchelin man!) and I honestly don't know how they do it. But when I look at my sweet little A, I know she was worth it a million times over, I know doing it again is a small price to pay for a baby but because we don't have any family closer than a seven hour plane journey, if I had morning sickness like that again I don't know how I'd cope with looking after a baby/toddler. If we're lucky enough to get preg with two, I'll be begging the gods of morning sickness to leave me the heck alone
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No second kid, but I want one because I don't want my kid to have to take care of me in my old age or finance my care without help. Also I think as much as I love friends, family is required to care for you! I want someone else in the world that will stick by my son when I am gone.
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i always wanted 3 kids because i am one of three and thought it was a lot of fun. now that i know how hard it is, i am thinking 2 at the very least. i could be biased because i have siblings, but i think i'd want my LO to have family around when they are older and DH and I are gone. i think LO might be lonely without a sibling. Plus it does make the burden of dealing with us if we have health/financial problems easier if there is more than one kid. i was never super close to my brothers, but we all love each other and would be there for one another in a split second. plus one of my brothers' would be my LOs guardian if we were to both die. i have friends who would do it of course, but i dunno...it just feels better to me that i have family who could do it.
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I've always wanted more than one. Even as a young child. I don't have any siblings, and while I had a wonderful childhood, I do feel a bit jealous of sibling relationships - good or bad. More than that, though, I just feel like children are a huge blessing, and putting my energy into the next generation is a very worthwhile way to spend my time. I just really enjoy being a mom, and I think the joys will multiply as the number of children multiplies
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I just wanted to say that I know decisions regarding children are (deeply) personal, so thank you all so much for sharing.
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@blackbird: I hear you. I watch my DH and his brother who are not close at all (although my MIL swears she has the perfect family because no one every argues ever..it's kinda weird and fake). Anyway, DH is the one pushing for us to possibly stop at one. I feel like the sibling necessity and friendship angle is not the reason to have another child. Rather the question should be whether you feel the desire and feel you have the capacity to be a parent to more than one child.
I know lots of families with 4+ kids and only one or maybe two of the kids are taking care of the parents. There is no guarantee of anything ever. At least that's how I see things.
As an only (my mother wanted more than but didn't have more for a variety for reasons), I go back and forth on this. I have been mostly in the "two and done" camp, but lately I've been wondering about it. It's more like "How do we juggle all of this?" We don't live near family and nor do we want to live where our families live. We enjoy our lives, and LO has been such a wonderful addition to it. We've gotten into this really great space with her now, and I wonder about going back to the newborn stage again and balancing two children, a job, a marriage, and having the mental space and capacity to think about things other than those items. I lean towards having another, but I don't see it as a complete slam dunk decision.
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@BKCaribBaby: "We've gotten into this really great space with her now, and I wonder about going back to the newborn stage again and balancing two children, a job, a marriage, and having the mental space and capacity to think about things other than those items. I lean towards having another, but I don't see it as a complete slam dunk decision."
This describes some of what I am feeling as well. (There are other considerations too, but nobody has time for all of that!)
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@blackbird: my brother and I are not close at all. We are polar opposites and live on opposite coasts. We hadn't seen each other (before my Gram's funeral a month ago) since 2010 and I felt no pangs of sadness over that. Having a sibling guarantees a bond of some sort, though. I can always email him with a question or concern and he will respond at some point, same goes for him.
I think that's what makes my decision of one and done a little easier but it's never a "I love this decision, it's the greatest decision EVER" type of feeling...
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@mediagirl: I have a similar relationship with my brother. We live on opposite coasts and are not close. I do love him to pieces and truly think that he's an awesome human being, but we are just so so different. When we talk I always share things with him--my brother was always kind to me growing up and took good care of me--so I feel like I can trust him emotionally.
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I always knew we would have at least 2 kids, it was never a question for me. Although we aren't TTC we are both ready to get rolling, but are holding off until spring. Baby fever struck me about 8 weeks after DD, so it's been a long year
and will be a long couple of months! ha
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I want to have another child because I love being a Mom, and I too, wish I had started earlier. In an ideal world, I would like 3 kids, each 3 years apart, so it extends the time until I have an empty nest, but we will probably stop at two, since I am already in my mid 30s and we are just getting ready to try for our second now.
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@MsLipGloss:
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I think it will be nice for our son to have someone who he can relate to wrt common childhood and parenting experiences, whether those are good or bad (hopefully more good hehe!).
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Reviving an old thread with some awesome comments.
(this is exactly what I'm thinking about late at night) -
@SugarplumsMom: I noticed that I still feel the same way as I did 9 months ago! Ha!
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I'm feeling better and better about our decision to not ever be able to answer this question.
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@grizz: and I am not:(
Well I still want another, I think, more of if we can afford it.
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We've been planning on 3-4 since we started to think about babies. I have one sister but come from a massive family (my grandpa has 8 brothers that live nearby and some sisters a few hours away). I grew up jealous of the bigger households--there are many sets of 4 kids in my family, in part because my sister and I are not close enough in age to be close. My husband has 1 sibling and no cousins and also wants a bigger family. I suspecting that we will reevaluate when the first one finally arrives
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@grizz: I didn't even answer 9 months ago because there was no way I wanted another back then
But I did favorite it and it's really nice to be able to read all the replies now that I'm seriously considering it.
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